The Politically Incorrect Guide to a Career in Film

From James Gunn's Facebook page

Scary accurate, huh. Can you tell James Gunn is a writer / director?

See, I knew I was missing something… ‘exceptional literary talent’… but it’s not too late to still develop that whole bag o’ tricks, right?

BPM

Lionel Richie never sounded so creepy

Thanks Evan!

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And the award for ‘Best Award in an Awards Show’ goes to…

Somehow its Hollywood Awards season again already… and am I the only one who doesn’t feel like he’s actually seen an Oscar Winning MovieTM yet this year???

Let me know your thoughts…

Oh, and for my fellow Australians, a quick reminder:

In the parlance of our national media, Guy Pearce didn’t lose today at the Golden Globes. Australians never lose. Aussies are always ‘snubbed’, apparently.

It’s the antithesis of more than 1 Australian winning an award in any given year, where we’re told that Australians are ‘taking over Hollywood’.

Which makes Hollywood the France of global business industries, I guess.

Suck on zat, Américain!

BPM

The Phantom Marketing

It’s fair to say I spent more than a little time at my local cinema this Xmas break, where amongst other things I managed to catch ‘Tintin’ (not bad), ‘Girl with the Dragon Tattoo’ (as unflinching as you’d expect), and ‘Sherlock Holmes 2′ (lightweight, but fun).

What caught my eye though with every passing visit was the increasing amounts of standees, posters and promotional materials for this obscure, indie space-western you might have heard of…

Because you may not always be able to polish a turd, but you CAN convert it to 3D apparently

 Notice anything missing at all?

I’ll give you a hint – remember this piece of promo art from the original release 12 or so years ago?

Hey yeah… wasn’t there an annoying-as-fuck kid in that flick? Now THAT’S pod-racing, n’shit?

** shrugs **

Ah well, maybe it’s just the poster that features Darth Maul a little more prominently than perhaps necess -

Huh… I could’ve sworn… let’s backtrack a little.

There! See, yes, Darth Maul might be lurking in the background, but I KNEW that movie had an annoying kid, and Liam Neeson with a terrible beard, and Natalie Portman with god awful make-up and hair, and…

JAR JAR FRIGGING BINKS!!!

Settle down, Monkey. It’s not like Mr. Lucas to try to rewrite cinema history or anything. I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why the new poster and standee don’t accurately reflect the actual movie, and it’s a concern that will be rectified as soon as more promotional materials are…

Crap.

‘Star Wars: Just Give Me Your Fucking Wallet’ hits cinemas in Australia on February 9th, kiddies. Book your tickets now for the alt cut of Phantom Menace with no child actors, terrible make up or Gungan special-needs characters.

On second thoughts that movie actually sounds not too bad…

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Santa loves Dubstep

Because apparently you’re not truly exhibiting the Christmas spirit…

… unless you’re eliciting seizures from random passers-by.

America: They INVENTED Christmas, Bitch!

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A Very Calvin & Hobbes Christmas

thanks to the AV Club

Well? You in a festive mood yet or what???

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And so this is Christmas

How do I know we’re getting close to the most wonderful time of the year?

When my junk email inbox has sequential emails that read:

eBay                                      Stocking stuffers for her this Xmas!!!

Weird porn spam              stuff HER stocking this xmas

See? Doesn’t it warm your heart to know just how hard people are working to spread good tidings and cheer this festive season?

And that no one’s dearest Christmas wish should be forgotten this December 25th – not even the weird, unwashed, socially awkward, lonely, emotionally damaged, yule-fetishizing, porn addicts out there. Which, for the record, I am most certainly not!

I happen to wash quite often.

BPM

 

Juiced Newton

‘ACTOR NEWTON PUNCHED TAXI DRIVER’

from The Age.com.au

Just… wow.

Because you just know a guy has SERIOUS issues when he (allegedly) repeatedly punches a 66-year-old taxi driver, and your initial response is “Well… at least he punched a dude this time and not another woman”.

Legal ‘experts’ predict a prolonged, court-ordered period of hospitalization is on the cards for Newton.

My advice, for what it’s worth, Matt?

If that offer IS on the table, then you take it. Take it now. Take it yesterday, for Gods sake.

Because if you can’t find a way to get these punchy demons under control, and you were to really face the legal consequences of repeated incidents of assault…

Well… lets just say that if every prison movie I’ve seen has taught me anything, it’s that a young, affluent white guy with your background would probably be nicknamed ‘Patti’ within a week, even if that wasn’t actually already his mother’s name.

BPM

Presidential Campaigning: Who writes YOUR speeches?

Call me a glutton for punishment when it come to rallying at the absurdity of the human condition, but I can’t help but follow shit like the GOP nomination process, which is currently underway in the U.S. 

In fact, if I were more dedicated to this blog, politicians like Mitt Romney, Michelle Bachmann and Newt Gingrich could probably provide me with enough material to post every day from now until the end of time.

Of particular interest was seeing the one-time frontrunner to run as the Republican candidate, Herman Cain, dropping out of the race this week.

Cain, who presumably learned everything he needed to know to be President of the United States whilst acting as the CEO of Godfathers Pizza, was dogged recently by numerous allegations of sexual misconduct and impropriety. One woman, a ‘Ginger White’, claimed she had a 13 year affair with Cain, a liaison that only ended shortly before Herman decided to run for President.

Easily enough bullets to stop the Cain campaign in its tracks. It’s never a fantastic idea to put your faith in the discretion of a woman whose name sounds like either a) a stage name, b) a sitcom character, or c) a kind of upmarket cocaine.

However it also came to light this week that one of the main tenets of Cain’s well-rehearsed rallying speech across America looks like it was, ahem, ‘borrowed’ from an 11-year-old cartoon movie.

Prefacing his statement with “A poet once said”, Cain has spent the past few months repeating ad nauseam that “Life can be a challenge. Life can seem impossible. But it’s never easy when there’s so much on the line”.

Too bad that ‘poet’ was actually the songwriter for the animated film, ‘Pokemon 2000′:

Who says politics these days isn’t just a series of soundbites designed to grab the attention of the lowest common denominator???

No word as yet on whether Barack Obama is going to co-opt the lyrics to the theme from ‘Duck Tales’ for his own campaign.

Although when you think about it, life really IS like a hurricane innnnn Duck-Berg…

BPM

JB’s… You’ve done it again!

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