Mermaiding is not a thing!

‘MARY SHOWS OFF HER FIN-TASTIC SKILLS AFTER DITCHING CALL CENTRE JOB’

Could YOU resist her siren song?

from the Herald Sun

Yes, you can click on the link above, but the important dot points are as follows:

1. This chick quit her job in a call centre because, surprise surprise, she found it boring. And, I quote, “…mermaiding is my passion”.
2. Since she was a girl, Mary McPhail dreamt of becoming a Mermaid.
3. She now spends all her time at various Melbourne bayside beaches.
4. She owns a “six tail selection”.
5. Mary now wants to make a living appearing at corporate gigs, parties, etc.
6. She claims that Mermaiding is a worldwide trend.

 Huh.

And to think, all this time I’ve spent chained to a frigging desk, shuffling papers and screwing up Excel spreadsheets… when all I needed to do was wish that I was a Mermaid…

Sorry, Mer-MAN!

And then wish that people would pay me for it*. It all seems so obvious now!

Consequently, this blog will be going on a short hiatus while I work out how to tell the wife that I will also be quitting my job because I find it boring. However rather than take the aquatic route, I’ll soon be appearing around Melbourne dressed in a homemade cape and cowl, because as a child I was totally in to Batman.

Dark Knighting is a worldwide trend as well, right?

Because my ridiculous fantasies deserve to be funded too.

I’m pretty sure it’s only a matter of time before the corporate gigs just start rollllling in, but in the meantime cash donations to your favourite caped crusader will be hugely appreciated.

 BPM

* Then with my third wish, I wish for 3 more wishes… What… ? Mermaids grant wishes, right? Right?

Inside the Actors Studio with Nicolas Cage

Some actors make interesting ‘choices’ when it comes to their performances…

And then there’s Nic Cage.

Almost hypnotic, isn’t it?

Oh, and a healthy reminder this awards season – that guy has been nominated for a Best Actor Academy Award more than once.

Ponder that,

BPM

We Need to Talk About Whitney

1963 - 2012

So, are we ready to talk about Whitney yet?

Like Amy Winehouse, this had that horrible feeling of inevitability. Whitney Houston had the voice of a generation, and yet aged only 48, she becomes the new poster child when it comes to destroying god given talent with drug abuse.

Dozens of musicians influenced by Houston expressed their grief at her passing the only way they knew how… via Twitter, of course (“What a tragedy! Let me tell how you this effects #ME”).

The pre-Grammy’s party she was meant to attend at the Beverly Hilton Hotel? Well, sure… it proceeded as planned, but they DID move it to a different area of the hotel, right?

The Grammy Awards themselves quickly became a sombre, tasteful evening, where high profile guests momentarily shrugged off their own all consuming need for the spotlight, choosing instead to show some respect for the memory of…

This fucking fruit loop is a 'Nicki Minaj', apparently

 Oh.

Rather than regurgitate any more of the innumerable articles about her gospel influences, or the destructive influence of Bobby Brown, or that “Crack is whack” interview, I’ll leave with perhaps the best way to remember Whitney Houston – an example of a peerless female vocallist in her prime (as suggested by The Age contributor, Clem Bastow):

Stunning.

Whitney is survived by her daughter, Kristina Bobbi Brown.

BPM

Social Media Explained

More gold from Lamebook, the site that just keeps on giving:

BPM

The Bird is the word

Huh… so Brad Pitt is the pre-eminent bird-flipper of our time… who’da thunk it?

BPM

The Politically Incorrect Guide to a Career in Film

From James Gunn's Facebook page

Scary accurate, huh. Can you tell James Gunn is a writer / director?

See, I knew I was missing something… ‘exceptional literary talent’… but it’s not too late to still develop that whole bag o’ tricks, right?

BPM

Lionel Richie never sounded so creepy

Thanks Evan!

BPM

And the award for ‘Best Award in an Awards Show’ goes to…

Somehow its Hollywood Awards season again already… and am I the only one who doesn’t feel like he’s actually seen an Oscar Winning MovieTM yet this year???

Let me know your thoughts…

Oh, and for my fellow Australians, a quick reminder:

In the parlance of our national media, Guy Pearce didn’t lose today at the Golden Globes. Australians never lose. Aussies are always ‘snubbed’, apparently.

It’s the antithesis of more than 1 Australian winning an award in any given year, where we’re told that Australians are ‘taking over Hollywood’.

Which makes Hollywood the France of global business industries, I guess.

Suck on zat, Américain!

BPM

The Phantom Marketing

It’s fair to say I spent more than a little time at my local cinema this Xmas break, where amongst other things I managed to catch ‘Tintin’ (not bad), ‘Girl with the Dragon Tattoo’ (as unflinching as you’d expect), and ‘Sherlock Holmes 2′ (lightweight, but fun).

What caught my eye though with every passing visit was the increasing amounts of standees, posters and promotional materials for this obscure, indie space-western you might have heard of…

Because you may not always be able to polish a turd, but you CAN convert it to 3D apparently

 Notice anything missing at all?

I’ll give you a hint – remember this piece of promo art from the original release 12 or so years ago?

Hey yeah… wasn’t there an annoying-as-fuck kid in that flick? Now THAT’S pod-racing, n’shit?

** shrugs **

Ah well, maybe it’s just the poster that features Darth Maul a little more prominently than perhaps necess -

Huh… I could’ve sworn… let’s backtrack a little.

There! See, yes, Darth Maul might be lurking in the background, but I KNEW that movie had an annoying kid, and Liam Neeson with a terrible beard, and Natalie Portman with god awful make-up and hair, and…

JAR JAR FRIGGING BINKS!!!

Settle down, Monkey. It’s not like Mr. Lucas to try to rewrite cinema history or anything. I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why the new poster and standee don’t accurately reflect the actual movie, and it’s a concern that will be rectified as soon as more promotional materials are…

Crap.

‘Star Wars: Just Give Me Your Fucking Wallet’ hits cinemas in Australia on February 9th, kiddies. Book your tickets now for the alt cut of Phantom Menace with no child actors, terrible make up or Gungan special-needs characters.

On second thoughts that movie actually sounds not too bad…

BPM

Santa loves Dubstep

Because apparently you’re not truly exhibiting the Christmas spirit…

… unless you’re eliciting seizures from random passers-by.

America: They INVENTED Christmas, Bitch!

BPM