Martial arts isn’t for everyone, you know

Every so often you see a news headline that just demands you sit up and pay attention. This is one of those headlines:


You just got kicked in the face by awesomeness


Apparently in the Chinese province of Hubei, several monkeys who had been trained to perform basic martial arts turned on their master in front of a small shopping crowd, repeatedly kicking him in the head and punching him in the face. Humiliated, their master Lo Wung “sought his revenge by tying the monkeys’ hands behind their backs and making them kneel on the ground to show they were sorry”.

Lets back track a little, shall we?

He trained the monkeys to perform martial arts? We’re sure this is the province of Hubei and not Hubris? In a truly just world those monkeys would have continued beating up Mr. Wung, stolen his credit cards, poured sugar in his gas tank, had an affair with his wife and told his children they were adopted.

All this wackiness less than a week after a news report which detailed how 3 Bengal Tigers in a German zoo up and mauled their trainer (just for shits and giggles, presumably). During a ‘dinner circus’ performance, 28 year old animal trainer Christian Walliser accidentally tripped in the tiger enclosure. The tigers took this as their cue to ‘play’, repeatedly biting his head and body until they were driven back to their cages using fire extinguishers.

Behind you!

Again, I’m siding firmly with the Tigers on this one. Being beaten… sorry… trained every day to jump through fiery rings and balance on little boxes and ride unicycles (or something) for fat idiot tourists would piss me off royally too. Every so often one of them seems to remember ‘Hey…didn’t we used to hunt and kill these dumb bi-pedal bastards pretty regularly?’ Eventually high level violence and strong adult themes has to ensue. Just ask Roy ‘Oww my fuckin neck!’ Horn, of Siegfried & Roy fame. If you think you can tame one of these big pussycats, and then you get your shit fucked up, I ain’t crying for you. As someone smarter than I once said (I think it was Telly Savalas), you reap what you sow.

In the meantime, I have a pet cat and I’m not turning my back on him for a second. I’m reading the tea-leaves people. When the animal-led apocalypse arrives, and it surely will, don’t say that you weren’t warned.



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