Team Edward? Team Jacob? TEAM MONKEY!

So I have to admit that there have been times over the past year I may have been a little hyper-critical of the Twilight series and Stephenie Meyer. I know I’ve been quick to call the books borderline retarded, the writing simplistic, the themes strangely chaste and stupid, and their success a sure sign of the coming apocalypse. And the movies? I may have said that I thought the acting was bad, the direction of the first film terrible, the characters paper-thin, the effects silly and their success the kind of thing that makes me want to go out and punch a dog.

I over-reacted. OK? It takes a big man to admit that he’s wrong. And, in the absence of a big man, I’m going to try to do the same.

But… still…

I just don’t get how those books sold 19 Bajillion copies.

I don’t get why sparkly, quasi-eunuch vampires walk around in the sunlight, attending high school over and over. To what end?

I don’t understand what makes the Bella character so special. She’s a bland, white-bread, hyperbole-spewing Narcissist for the most part (for those interested, she’s a literary device that’s known in storytelling as a ‘Mary Sue’, pure and simple:  This is the woman Vampy has been waiting over a century for?

What does a 100+ year old dude have to talk about with a 16 year old anyway?

I don’t quite understand why Rob Pattinson seems to make every female aged 14-40 get damp in the pant (which may be a good thing I guess).


And I can’t reconcile myself with the fact Stephenie Meyer can spend the rest of her life wiping her ass with the Benjamin’s whilst I subjugate myself day in and out for minimum wage. Maybe that’s what’s bugged me the most. I’m not entirely sure.

What I needed to wrap my head around was this; these books were never written for me. They were never written for anyone over 16 (apologies to all the 34 year old office workers out there pounding through the Edward vs Jacob debate, both male and female). They’re poorly written, but so are most YA novels of the supernatural kissy-kissy genre. The vampires are lame, dickless, sexually repressed caricatures. But Meyers has been quite open about the fact she knows sweet F.A about horror movies, fiction or genre convention. They’re silly, but so are the majority of teenage girls. If the world turned as predictably as we might expect, I’d have never heard of Twilight.

Sorry, wrong column

Oh, what a world it could be.

All that being said, I’m really hoping that they keep churning out these film adaptations. Why? Because if and when they get around to the final book in the series, ‘Breaking Dawn’… well, let’s just say I’m a sadly obsessive Cinephile with a degree in film studies, and I have NO idea how they can make that movie work.


God knows why though… is there anyone out there who is going to read the books that hasn’t done so already? And if you have read them we’ve all heard you blathering away about them ad nauseum since ’07. Anyway…

Now, I’ve done a little research, And what I’ve discovered (with a little exasperated help from the wife) is the following:

In the last book that couple of couples, Edward and Bella, finally get married. Awwwwwww… and they’ve waited all this time to… uhh… consummate the relationship. But sex before marriage is evil (traditionally so are Vampires, but whatever). That and Edward’s afraid he’s going to fuck Bella to death. His worst fears are avoided however when he only fucks her into unconsciousness.


For realsies.

While a whole mess of shitty plot is going down for 700 pages, Bella gets pregnant with a demon baby (as near as I can figure it). It’s telepathic. And even smarter than Bella. And super vampire-fetus powerful. That’s powerful. Real powerful. Like Alien poppin’ out of John Hurt powerful. It eventually kicks so hard it breaks both her ribs and her spine.

We can all relate, right? Everyone’s had that feeling after a Zinger Burger at some point in time.

Unfortunately (or fortunately), this cripples Bella. She’s dying. To death. And before anyone asks how Kristen Stewart, perhaps the most laconic actor this side of Sam Elliott, adequately performs these scenes… strap in. Cos Edward’s going to save her AND the baby.

How? How, Edward? Tell me how?

By performing an emergency C-section with his teeth, of course, to save his daughter. And as Bella lays there like a dead fish, he finally turns his expiring wife into a vampire. The most beautiful, radiant, specialist vampire ever.

This in itself is equal measures disturbing and mind bogglingly crazy. But then it gets worse. Because Jacob, the Native American werewolf who you see on all the posters for ‘New Moon’ with his shirt off… he decides on the spot that he wants to fuck this child.

Not right there. Because that’d be wrong. But in a few years (16 or 17 if he can be patient. If…).He sees an infant vampire mutant and thinks “Mmmm… chicken”.

No, you're not allowed to stay at Uncle Jacob's house. Not ever

Dare raise an eyebrow at this little gem and you risk inspiring strenuous objections and the fiery wrath of Twilight fans everywhere. They’ll tell you ‘No, no, no, no, no. He doesn’t just want to have sex with her. He imprints on her. Understand? Imprints’.

So he sees the newborn baby and decides he loves it and he’s gonna sex her up one day. Cool.


Sure. Imprints. I’ll wait and see how well the ‘imprint’ defense works for some sick pedophilic son of a bitch in court. See how the justice system feels about imprinting.

And then everyone lives happily ever after.

Demon baby. Hardcore knock-out fucking. Surgical procedures performed with your teeth. And pedophilia. Let’s not forget that.

How in God’s name do you make this movie romantic, poignant and emotionally satisfying? If you’re Pattinson or Stewart or Lautner how do you play those scenes? Even if you were a good actor? How does even a teenage girl manage to suspend disbelief that far?

‘Breaking Dawn’ has the potential to be the most fascinating film of all time, bar none. Because if this manages to pass muster, then surely you can just make movies about the wildest, sickest shit imaginable, so long as you don’t use naughty words and the boys are soooooooo hot. The Twilight series may be more powerful than we ever thought possible, and ‘Breaking Dawn’ could revolutionize cinema forever.

Or it might just be that movie where Taylor Lautner had to make googy eyes at an infant.

Either way we’re all winners here.



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One Response to “Team Edward? Team Jacob? TEAM MONKEY!”

  1. Liv Says:

    We watched New Moon last night. Kristen Stewart has the acting range of a tissue box and also am I the only late 20’s housewife who doesn’t think Rob Pattinson is in any way attractive?

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