Golf and Curse-Words: A Beginner’s Guide

Sure it looks peaceful NOW...

So on my morning off this week I decided to hit up a local golf course for 9 holes, accompanied by my best bud and my brother-in-law.

People who dislike golf will ask you why anyone would possibly want to get up ridiculously early and walk several kilometers trying to hit a small white ball (and failing dismally).

They make a good point.

But what they don’t realize is that the public golf course may be one of the last places you can these days go to comfortably curse at the top of your lungs, and nobody blinks an eye.

It’s wonderful.

We have a theory that the golf course is probably the ideal place for someone horribly afflicted with Tourettes Syndrome, because if theirs is a verbal tic, the cry of “Cocksucker! Dick! Dick-Cock!” wouldn’t be even the slightest bit unusual.

The C-Bomb isn’t just tolerated in this environment; it’s expected.

So, with that in mind, I present to you just some of the things heard on the golf course this Sunday. Bearing in mind some people may be sensitive to the odd profanity, each expletive will from this point on be replaced by the word GEOFF (in honor of an Uncle of mine, one of Golf’s great curse-word artists):

(to ball) Get in there you piece of GEOFF!

(to self) Ohhhh GEOFF you, you GEOFFing GEOFFhole…

GEOOOFFFFF! Learn how to GEOFFing hit the GEOFFing thing!

GEOFFing GEOFF-Face!

GEOFF-job GEOFF licker!

And so on.

Unfortunately what no one tells you about Golf is that if you take the game even the slightest bit seriously, it WILL make you angrier than being cut off in traffic, having an argument with your spouse, dog-shit on your shoe, listening to Bill O’Reilly and watching ‘Two & a Half Men’ – ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

So if there’s enough anger and pent-up aggression in your life already, perhaps it’s best you give Golf a miss.

But, if you enjoy swearing a blue streak and can truly detach yourself from the game and it’s horrible, horrible challenges, it is guaranteed to be the best 3-4 hours of tension release you’ll ever have.

For Robin Williams’ explanation of the history of this fine sport, go to :40 of this clip

Happy Strokin… uhh… no… wait…

BPM

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