The Brangelina Break-Up: Counselling will be made available to you

Taken from us too soon

We are truly living in momentous times.

While our parents were able to ask one another “Where were you when JFK was shot?“, and “Where were you when man walked on the Moon?“, up until now the best our generation could offer was “Where were you when the Towers fell?“.

Finally, another landmark moment in the history of mankind, a shared experience that binds us together for all time…

Where were you when you heard that Brangelina had split?

The couple that sold a gazillion trashy magazines is apparently no more. Professional gossip-hound / royal dick-sneeze Perez Hilton says they’re still together though. And now I just… don’t… know… who to… believe… or how… to feel?!

What will we do? Who will be our male/female coupling measuring stick? How are we supposed to go on? HOW?!?!

British tabloid ‘News of the World’ is reporting that they’ve already signed a deal to split their immeasurable fortune, their 6 kids and the contractual rights to the 9 or 10 children they’re yet to adopt from 3rd world countries.

If a British tabloid is stating this as fact, then it’s GOTTA be true!

How best to ride this sea of emotions here in Australia though? Yes, ‘New Idea’, this is wonderful for you in the short-term… but just how long will you be able to print stories about the aftermath of ‘Brad and Angie’s bitter split’? Will you then have to rely exclusively once more on articles about Jennifer Aniston’s barren womb? John Mayer’s Magellan-like penis? Britney Spears and her Arnotts Assorted pack of 101 personalities?

And spare a thought for the poor, brilliant soul who came up with ‘Brangelina’. That’s a life’s work right there, potentially gone in an instant! Do we dare to hope she hooks up with a Matthew McConaughey, so we at least have ‘Mangelina’? Or Zach Galifianakis, so that ‘Jolifianakis’ can be born?

If two ludicrously wealthy, genetically blessed simpleton’s can’t make a little thing called love work, then what hope do any of us have? Man, that’s so depressing. Or ‘Sopressing’. Whichever you prefer.

Ladies and gents, THIS was announced just days ago as the official theme song for the Haiti relief efforts, but I’m re-appropriating it:

It was either that or Crowded House singing ‘Don’t Dream It’s Over’.

Remember, if you need someone to talk to… sniffle… I’m right here. You are not alone,

BPM

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