Archive for February, 2010

Channel 9, and how to cross-promote a dead horse

February 27, 2010

You have to take your hat off to Channel 9. Just when you thought you were safe from their inane cross-promotion because cricket season is finally over, along comes the 2010 Winter Olympics.

Case in point: KD Lang and the song ‘Hallelujah’.

Lang sang a moving rendition of the Leonard Cohen classic during the Games’ opening ceremony. And now Channel 9 feel the need to wheel it out whenever and wherever humanly possible (gotta make snow while the sun shines, I guess).

First they decided the song was suitable for a montage set to footage of the finalists in the ice dancing. Fair enough I guess.

Her loincloth & gum leaf outfit overthrew you...

Then when interviewing golden girl Lydia Lassila, someone came up with the bright idea of editing together some emotional clips of Lydia, her husband and support team celebrating her victory in the Women’s Aerials.

A double twisting somersault is not a victory march...

Umm… sure…

And now, just because they can, the same once-moving piece of music has been laid over the top of teaser clips of Channel 9’s post-Olympic slate of programs for 2010. Programs like:

But now you never show your lizard face to me, do you?

‘V’, a sci-fi re-make about a planetary invasion of alien beings out to eat alllllll da humans…

She tied you to a kitchen chair, flashed her bum then shot your Mum...

‘Underbelly 3: The Golden Mile’, the third installment in the ultra-violent, gritty drama series about Australia’s criminal underworld, and…

The horror's too much for me to even attempt a play on the lyrics here

The return of ‘Hey Hey it’s Saturday!’

What. The fuck.

Now, I can’t be certain of course, but I’m guessing when Cohen wrote this particular number, he didn’t have Red Faces or Plucka FUCKING Duck in mind!

For the love of God, Channel 9, PLEASE stop pimping your hundreds of dumb frigging shows hosted by Shelley Craft and Jules Lund, and focus on doing a semi-reasonable job of the show I’m watching right now, you assholes!

It starts here, people. Because it’s only a matter of time before Sarah McLachlan is used to promote season 27 of ‘Farmer Wants a Wife’, and Jeff Buckley becomes the soundtrack to another suburban rescue on ‘Backyard Blitz’ because his songs sound pretty. Hell, they could even use his version of ‘Hallelujah’!

I’m gonna quit now before I give PBL Media any more ideas.



Headline of the week

February 27, 2010


Wanna compete for your country now?


Reports emanating from the Winter Olympics Athletes Village in Vancouver suggest that the 100,000 free condoms initially supplied to competing athletes have run out.

In 14 days.

Rough guesstimates meant that approximately 14 condoms were supplied for each registered athlete, trainer, official and coach.


During the Sydney 2000 Olympics organizers ordered 70,000, but were soon forced to order an emergency batch of a further 20,000. Beijing ordered 100,000 in 2008. Each (and this is really true) was imprinted with the Olympic slogan ‘Faster, Higher, Stronger‘.

Man, if I had a buck for every time I’d heard that muttered in a plaintive voice in the bedroom…

8500 condoms will be arriving at the Athletes Village by this weekend. Some athletes are apparently just collecting the peak performance prophylactics as novelty souvenirs of their Olympic experience. Not all. Some.

Rest assured though that plenty of others will be striving to master their form, give 110% effort at all times… and to maybe even ‘stick the landing’ if they’re lucky.

Seems the lesson to be learned here is to remember that it matters not whether you came first at the Olympics… only that you came at all.


25-words-or-less movie review: ‘Fuck’

February 26, 2010

Not what you think Mum, I swear!

Awesome doco on the origin of the word, and censorship laws in the U.S.

Highly fucking recommended.


Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder

February 26, 2010

Can you believe Eddie & Mick implied that THIS guy might be homosexual?!? The nerve!!!

Wow… I disappear for a week and it seems all hell breaks loose.

Tiger Woods issued what some people felt was an insincere apology for committing adultery with 8,243 women…

Eddie McGuire and Mick Molloy were single-handedly accused of ruining the 2010 Winter Olympics just by indulging in a little old fashioned, Australian-as-Meat-Pies verbal Poof Bashing…

An experienced aquatic trainer was fucked up and killed by a… uhh… Killer Whale at SeaWorld in Orlando, Florida…

Film director Kevin Smith was deemed ‘too fat to fly’ by Southwest Airlines in California…

Peter Garrett misplaced the word ‘sorry’ for being indirectly responsible for the deaths of several labourer’s as part of the federal government’s (now defunct) insulation scheme…

Charlie Sheen walked out on ‘Two & a Half Men’ to enter rehab voluntarily

And Apple has vowed to crack down on nudity related app’s for the iPhone…

God help me. So… many… JOKES!

Rest assured, faithful reader, that all be summarily dealt with in my own inimitable fashion.


Oh so very soon.

Stay tuned…


Jessica Simpson deserves to be taken seriously!

February 19, 2010

But I'm an Actress!

In an interview with Allure magazine, Jessica Simpson has emphatically stated that she will never, ever, EVER appear nude in a film or television show.

I will never do nudity… I don’t care if I frickin’ could get an Oscar for it, I’m not going to do it“.

That’s a direct quote. Yep, Jessica Simpson seriously thinks that appearing nude is what stands in the way of her receiving an Academy Award.

Personally…I think there’s other things you can do to show people that you have talent“. That one’s from an interview in 2005.

For those keeping score at home, this is a woman whose highest profile acting roles thus far have been:

  1. As herself on reality TV show ‘Newlyweds’, with then-hubby Nick Lache. It was all about being young, dumb, married and incomparably wealthy. Sadly we never got to see the proposed follow-up series, ‘Read the Pre-Nup again, Bitch’.
  2. And as a pair of hot pants in the ‘Dukes of Hazzard’ re-make, where she ranked lower on the acting food-chain than Stifler and a guy who got shot in the nuts with riot explosives on ‘Jackass’.

However, credit where credit’s due, Jessica IS the Meryl Streep of dry-humping/washing a car in a bikini…

Dare to dream the impossible dream, Ms. Simpson. I’ll stand behind you.

It’s an awesome vantage point, after all.


25-words-or-less movie review: ‘The Hurt Locker’

February 19, 2010

Hyper-tense. Unsettling. Refreshing.

Not really a ‘war’ film, more a study on fractured male psyche that’s set in a war zone.

Very much recommended.


Sporting aptitude required, common sense negotiable

February 17, 2010

Andrew Lovett

St. Kilda AFL footballer Andrew Lovett is the latest high-profile sportsman to be publicly disgraced, after he was officially charged by police with one count of rape this week.

Lovett’s subsequent sacking by St. Kilda came as no real surprise to anyone. However it should be noted that St. Kilda CEO Michael Nettlefold made a point of saying the sacking was unrelated to the rape charge, but was instead due to Lovett’s unacceptable behavior in the off-season.

During Andrew’s short tenure with the club, on a number of occasions he engaged in actions that were failures to comply with our standards of expected behavioral conduct. These failures related to his training commitments and a failure to contact Club Officials in a situation where he should have done so… we simply could not ignore such breaches. Nor could we ignore the damage being done to St Kilda’s reputation and decided unanimously as a club to terminate Andrew Lovett’s employment with the Saints.”

So it’s not so much that he may have raped a woman, of greater concern is… what exactly??? That he should have told the club about it first and foremost? His lack of commitment to fitness and skills training?

It’s all corporate double-speak, of course. St. Kilda doesn’t want to make any inference to the ongoing court case lest it come back to bite them. This is their veddy sneaky way of condemning Lovett for the rape charges in the eyes of supporters and sponsors without actually saying so.

Don’t feel too bad for Andy. He’s now lodging a breach of contract claim against St. Kilda for more than $2 million, stating he was ‘bullied’ within the workplace.

Mathew Stokes

In the past 6 months the AFL pre-season has already seen several Carlton players arrested for public drunkenness. Geelong forward Matthew Stokes has been charged with trafficking cocaine. Essendon rising star Michael Hurley is accused of physically assaulting a taxi driver last September, and the now infamous Brendan Fevola-Brownlow Medal night debacle received unprecedented media coverage. After years of tut-tutting at Rugby League and the NRL’s endless cycle of player disciplinary infractions (Inglis, Mason, Stewart, Johns, et al), now it’s the AFL’s turn to sit in the naughty chair.

What interests me is this downward spiral in the behaviour of professional sportsmen in Australia (let’s leave Tiger and John Terry for another day). How did it come to this? Is this purely an instance of increased public and media scrutiny revealing what always was? Or are our athletes becoming increasingly socially irresponsible and boofhead-like in nature?

Andrew Johns

And, for the record, I don’t buy the ‘We’re paid to play sport, not be role models’ argument that gets tossed around every now and again as a means of excusing poor behavior. Andrew Lovett was making in excess of $350,000 a season. You’re not paid that money to live in a vacuum, devoid of social responsibility. As a sport like football evolves, and $10,000 pay cheques become $100,000, then I think it’s reasonable you don’t do stupid shit in the public eye.

Clubs are now schooling young recruits as soon as they walk in the door not just how to kick a football. They attend seminars on leadership (OK), contributing to the community (I can dig it), diet and nutrition (KFC Tower Burgers = bad), how to behave whilst in public (start with the cutlery on the outside and work your way in), how to treat women with respect…

They’re doing what, sorry?

Yep. As professional sport becomes increasingly all about revenue, sponsorship dollars and corporate niceties, football clubs have decided that is in their best interest to remind young athletes that verbally, physically and sexually assaulting women is generally not a good idea.

What? How else are they supposed to know something like that, right?

Brendan Fevola

Maybe the system is at fault to a degree, throwing ludicrous amounts of money and celebrity at 18-year-old kids, exposing them to a world in which they’re perpetually told ‘yes, yes, yes’. Now, I can’t blame sport for all of these drinking and drug related mishaps, as (sadly) stupidity, addictive behavior and a culture of excess consumption is really more of a societal issue, don’t ya think? But I’d like to believe that every young man old enough to drive, vote and drink (though not necessarily at the same time) knows how to show women at least a modicum of respect.


But just in case…

When it comes to the ladies, guys, you probably should NOT:

Verbally abuse women, hit them, slap them, punch them, kick them, push them, grope them, molest them, rape them, stalk them, kidnap them, bind them, torture them or expect them to watch ‘Top Gear’ with you.

AFL Head Office, feel free to hit me up if you need me to explain this to your boys in a slightly less complex fashion using finger puppets and/or a Powerpoint slide show .


Can we start a telethon or something for Forest Whitaker?

February 16, 2010

‘He black. He Mexican. They ain’t NEVER gonna get along!’

This time 3 years ago Forest was up on stage in front of millions of people, accepting an Academy Award for Best Actor. Now he’s starring opposite Carlos Mencia and Ugly Betty, pretending to be sexually molested by a goat on Viagra.

You want any more proof this whole GFC thing has fucked some of us more than others?


Transmogrification nearly complete

February 15, 2010

Is it just me? Or is Lindsay Lohan…

5 years ago...

Slowly but surely morphing…

In 2009

In to Courtney Love?


Let me know how that works out for ya, Linds.

That freckled, leathery, peroxided Lindsay-facsimile above… she’s only 23-years-old, people. Any chance her parents could stop bickering/craving attention they don’t deserve/pimping out the next Lohan girl-child, and FUCKING DO SOMETHING!

I’m losing hope that we’ll ever get to see ‘Mean Girls 2: Needlessly Spiteful Bitches’.


25-words-or-less movie review: ‘The Wolf Man’

February 15, 2010

I could watch Hopkins & Weaving read the phonebook.

Not completely convinced by Benicio.

Is to decapitations what ‘Daybreakers’ was to exploding bodies.

Not bad.