Lieutenant Stegosaurus? Dinobots? The ‘Jurassic Park 4’ that almost was…

A little cinematic urban legend for you that apparently happens to be true…

Tyrannosaurs... they'll fuck up your living room

From my ongoing love affair on this blog with the Velociraptor, you may have guessed I was a huge ‘Jurassic Park’ fan as a kid. JP was one of those awesome, popcorny, Spielberg-at-his-finest experiences tailor-made for the 13-year-old Monkey back in ’93.

Now, ‘The Lost World’ sequel… not so much. I will give props though to Stevey for that whole ‘Fuck the rest of the movie, I’m putting a T-Rex in San Fran for no good reason’ finale.

I’ll even defend JP3 as a completely watchable junk flick, albeit with a cinematic climax almost as abrupt as ‘Lost World’s is overdrawn.

For years we’ve been hearing about the possibility of a Jurassic Park 4. Sure, there’s no way Spielberg would ever actually direct it. But if he produces and throws someone like Joe Johnston in the chair, I’m happy enough. As for a storyline… well, all we were told is that the film would probably move in a new direction. Like how? More dinosaurs on the mainland? Dinosaurs ruling the world once more? Dinosaurs fighting the Taliban?

Turns out that last one’s not as far fetched as you may have initially thought.

In 2004, Aint it Cool News rumor-hound Moriarty uncovered details of a script for JP4, reportedly penned by William Monahan and John Sayles. For those unaware, Monahan as since won an Academy Award for his screenplay for ‘The Departed’. At the time Spielberg raved about their concept, describing it as “the mother of all ideas”. What were these ideas, Moriarty?

“There’s the eight-year-old-boy side of me that thinks that a DIRTY DOZEN-style mercenary team of hyper-smart dinosaurs in body armor killing drug dealers and rescuing kidnapped children will be impossible to resist. And then there’s the side of me that says… WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!

[The main character] is put in charge of training these five dinosaurs… each of them a specially created deinonychus, which is sort of like a miniature T-rex.  They have super-sensitive smell and hearing, incredible strength and speed and pack-hunting instincts, and they have modified forelegs, lengthened and topped with more dextrous fingers, as well as dog DNA for increased obedience and human DNA so they can solve problems well.  All of this is topped off with a drug-regulating implant that can dose them with adrenaline or serotonin as the situation demands.”

That’s right… Jurassic Park 4 was really going to be the story of an elite commando squad of genetically engineered Dino-Soldiers.


Sadly, in recent interviews Joe Johnston has implied that while JP4 is still definitely on the horizon, this particular take won’t be hitting our screens any time soon.

Which is a freakin shame in my book. Because as awesome as it is to get a movie about Raptors every 5 years or so, what chance is there you’ll ever see something as batshit crazy as a $150 million hybrid ‘Mission Impossible’/’Jurassic Park’ again?!?!?

Besides which, Mr. Spielberg… would it be any more ridiculous than Indy 4?

Apologies to Shia, as I was unable to find any decent pictures of him swinging from jungle vines with lotsa similarly LeBeouf-lookin monkeys.



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2 Responses to “Lieutenant Stegosaurus? Dinobots? The ‘Jurassic Park 4’ that almost was…”

  1. Righteous Schimmelbusch Says:

    I cannot read a blog post that starts with the sentence “my ongoing love affair with the Velociraptor………….”

    Oh please!

    Even in the parallel universe, ridiculous fetishes of this magnitude cannot go unchallenged.

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