The Biggest Loser (again): Who Dies Wins!

Don't you love the super-fit personal trainer running with them for 'moral support'? You've never even SEEN a cheeseburger, asshole!

Was I the only person who didn’t realize that this season of ‘The Biggest Loser’ in Australia is supposed to culminate in all contestants participating in a 42 kilometre marathon?!?

I’m not kidding.

The show claims that after 11 weeks of fitness and weight loss training, all contestants (minus eliminated kiddie-porn enthusiasts, of course) will run a 42 km marathon to see who will compete for the show’s $200,000 prize money.

Experts and assorted pundits have already been very quick to warn that this kind of stunt could result in serious health repercussions. A 150kg+ contestant has already been eliminated from the show after suffering leg fractures and suspected shin splints whilst trying to run 4 kilometres in one of their daffy trials.

There’s a legitimate chance that one of these stupid fatties could die attempting that marathon. My question is this; at what point do you disregard the entertainment value of watching fat people exercise until they go into cardiac arrest? Is a show like ‘The Biggest Loser’ perfectly within their rights to push their latest charge of moron’s to the brink of death? Over it? Where is the line drawn?

Ponder THAT for a moment.

I’ve never really had any interest in reality television, mainly because I find the entire process the antithesis of reality (I realize I’m stating the obvious, but whattya gonna do). There’s so much artifice involved in all of these fucking shows, I’d rather watch a drama that someone actually talented wrote.

Trivia note: Stephen King wrote a series of novellas during the late 70’s and early 80’s under the pseudonym ‘Richard Bachman’. The novella’s were invariably short, bleak and brutal, even for King. Several of these novella’s were compiled and released in 1 volume (entitled ‘The Bachman Books’) in the late 80’s. King wrote 2 stories in particular about futuristic reality TV-style competitions, where the goal wasn’t to lose weight, or win a recording contract, or dance like a muscular, spastic faerie. It was to survive the competition itself.

One of these novella’s was called ‘The Long Walk’, and has been in movie development hell for a lonnngggg time. The other was stripped of much of it’s theme and harshness, and made into the film ‘The Running Man’, starring the Governator himself.

‘The Running Man’ was set in the year 2019.

Place your bets now about how long it’ll be before we’re watching idiots die on our TV screens every night at 6:30pm, all trying to win a Big! Cash! Jackpot!!!

I say 2017. But then I’ve always been a pretty conservative gambler.



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11 Responses to “The Biggest Loser (again): Who Dies Wins!”

  1. Righteous Schimmelbusch Says:

    If everyone dies, there will be a smaller gene pool of reality contestants for future shows. So you see the plan now Pauly Boy?. Make sense???. Yesssss!!!. A little secret – there is a TV executive somewhere, won’t say where, who is on our team, he is one of us, working in the shadows, unseen, unheard, but very much on-board with the extermination plans.

    “This is very amusing, Paul, writing critics little billet-doux in one’s head is always good for a giggle, but you really ought to find yourself a pot and get it boiling, don’t you think?” – Stephen King, Misery

    • buttonpushingmonkey Says:

      One of life’s great truths is that for every idiot lost, another soon readily takes their place. Do you honestly think we’re cycling through reality TV contestants quicker than we’re creating morons?

  2. Righteous Schimmelbusch Says:

    I know it is a task of Hitler-esque proportions, but us Austrians to have incredible focus when we get motivated. Besides that, I can’t see the marines storming any beaches to liberate the fatty boombaa’s.

  3. Benjamin the Donkey Says:

    I knew nothing of the 42km run climax of the show – praise the gods of gratuitous death. Now all we need is an arena of some kind in which to feed these contestants to a pride of (very) hungry lions.

    • buttonpushingmonkey Says:

      Welcome to the party, Benjamin.
      Yes, the producers of TBL are now being forced to play extremely coy about how their show even works. For example, the weekly weigh-in’s aren’t actually conducted weekly. That’s right, the whole framing concept of the show is bullshit. As such, it looks like their ’11 weeks, then a marathon’ claims hold no weight either (pun very much intended).
      I know for a fact the show has been being filmed since October or November 2009. If we’re in mid February now and the marathon is yet to be run… do the math.

      • Benjamin the Donkey Says:

        My dear BPM, surely it is not to be taken literally. In much the same way that Eve did not literally bite the apple to deprive humanity of paradise and unlimited boob sightings, TBL does not have a “weekly weigh in” but rather weigh ins that are “televised weekly”.

        But then again, for every Sarah Palin supporting teacher prescribing the Bible in Science 101 class, there is a gullible and abundantly-girthed TBL viewer wondering why using their new Abtastic 4000 for three minutes each fortnight isn’t getting them the results shown in the ad.

      • buttonpushingmonkey Says:

        “I don’t get it! According to that there television show I shoulda lost… eleventy four kilo’s this week!”

  4. Righteous Schimmelbusch Says:

    Feed them to each other, change the name to The Biggest Cannibal. Job done. Program refresh. New concept. Combination of cooking show, UFC and Grand Designs (the bones have to be used for something, otherwise it’s just wasteful). Offer the winner Sarah Plain as Grand Prize, and end of series dinner. But they have to catch her. Throw Palin in the ocean off Alaska, add a boat, a net and a salty captain and you get a refresh of The Deadliest Catch as well. But like all great shows, there’s a twist. After winner is finished the last of Sarah Palin’s juicy leg, the Japanese claim research rights, harpoon the winner, and then Gordon Ramsey fillet’s a nice piece of blubber for “Gordon Ramsey cooks the most dangerous animal – Man” for his undiscovered Japanese audience, thereby getting him off our TV screens. It’s truly wonderous how many annoying problems this one show could solve.

  5. Righteous Schimmelbusch Says:

    “Sarah Palin’s retarded brain is chasing me” is the nightmare you hope you never have.

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