Archive for March, 2010

Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer, Mr.T… they’re ALL afraid of Gary Busey

March 31, 2010

Gary's high on life. And cocaine.

In an age of incessant media manipulation and shameless press-whoring, it can be tough to separate those celebrities that are just Joaquin-ing from those that are legitimately batshit insane.

Gary Busey, however, leaves no doubt as to which team he plays for.

It’s neither Team Edward or Team Jacob. Busey bats for Team Cuckoo Magoo. Busey founded Camp Crazy. He lives there 24/7. He has several generations of ancestors buried there.

Behold… THIS is Busey giving a metaphorical loony sucker-punch to some poor bastard trying to interview him about Hunter S. Thompson:

THIS is Gary shitting all over an 11-year-old interviewer at the United Nations Children’s Foundation Oscar After-Party in 2008:

And finally, Busey on Buseyisms:

Of course, there’s every chance that Gary is actually the sanest man on the planet, and it’s all of US that are B-AN-AN-AS…

Think about that.

I’m Gary Busey… no… wait… ???



Everything I know I learned from McLeod’s Daughters

March 30, 2010

Life on the farm... all sexy, all the time

Seems that all-Australian trade of being a Stockman has taken a hit lately, with people leaving the occupation in droves (no pun intended).

Apparently a new wave of young folk took to the profession a few years back, as hordes of people from the southern states moved north to help fill the shortage of Stock-people on cattle stations. They’re just as quickly leaving however, when life on the land proves to be a whole lot different to what they were expecting.

There’s even a name for the condition… Stockmen call it ‘McLeod’s Daughters-Syndrome’.


The fact that there are folks out there prepared to make that kind of life-change based on a TV horsey-drama… I know it shouldn’t surprise me, but  fact is… it still does.

And if you were going to base major life-choices on a TV show, why that one? Have these people ever really paid attention to the going’s on at Drover’s Run?! The Wife was a frequent viewer, and she duly reported that on this fictional cattle station in rural South Australia, characters died of heart attacks, multiple car accidents, a falling tree branch, drowning, falling off a cliff… Jesus, man… this idyllic little farm sounds like an OH&S nightmare!

But then, as the word ‘syndrome’ suggests, maybe these decisions are being heavily influenced by a medical condition. I’m sure for every patient diagnosed with ‘McLeod’s Daughters-Syndrome’, there are a dozen other conditions YOU, dear reader, could quite easily succumb to, depending on your viewing habits.

There’s Raymonditis… which prevents you from moving anywhere further than 50 metres from your parents house…

There’s Galactica disease… quite similar to Tourette’s, except you involuntarily yell “FRAK!” a lot…

There’s House syndrome… you basically just act like an asshole and limp…

Westwingsen’s… it makes you speak at twice your normal speed in nothing but acronyms…

Under Belly… a strange stomach ailment which somehow compels you to drop your pants and flash your bum at the slightest provocation…

And Horatio-Caine’s… in which the sufferer has an obsessive compulsive need to put on, then take off sunglasses, whilst uttering shitty one-liners to no one in particular…

Anyone afflicted with anyone of these conditions should seek medical help immediately at their nearest hospital.

But if you’re treated by an intern who seems constantly distracted by their own internal monologue, don’t worry… hopefully your treating physician just has a mild case of Scrubsis.

Come on! 9 patients died while you were internal monologue-ing, asshole!

Take care,


25-words-or-less movie review: ‘2012’

March 30, 2010

Roland Emmerich… not being invited to the White House anytime soon.

This time he fucks their shit up with a big ass boat.

That’s it.


Get ‘im a bodybag Johnny, yeahhhhhh!

March 29, 2010

Fuck Lady Gaga and her bullshit posturing… THIS is how you make a goddamn cinematic music video:

William Zabka, who played evil bully Johnny Lawrence in the original Karate Kid film, actually directed this clip. And yes, that is the whole Cobra Kai crew, 20+ years later…



Orson’s back from the dead… with new added Christmas spirit!

March 28, 2010

Welles eye-fucks to death the foolish sound recordist who asked for a little more 'oomph' on the next take.

I bought myself some light reading on the weekend, a novel called ‘Me & Orson Welles’, so when I saw this story the very next day it grabbed my attention.

Hollywood trades are reporting that special FX studio Drac Studios is developing a hybrid live-action/CG animation film based on the children’s book ‘Christmas Tails’. The story revolves around a sick reindeer making Santa contemplate canceling Xmas, until a group of plucky dogs save the day and restore yuletide spirit.

Unremarkable news, I’ll grant you. What made me pay attention was the fact that the story will be narrated by Orson Welles. The same Orson Welles who died almost 25 years ago, on October 10th, 1985.

Apparently Welles recorded a reading of the book in 1985, following which the reels were left on a shelf to gather dust. They’ve only now been dragged out for Orson’s triumphant return to the silver screen.

For those not too familiar with the work of Orson Welles, he’s the megalomaniacal genius responsible for ‘Citizen Kane’. It’s the movie every cinema studies student will tell you they’ve been told is the greatest film of all time. No foolsies. Unfortunately his was a career that could only be all downhill from there, despite another great film, ‘The Magnificent Ambersons’, and several memorable acting turns including this classic speech from ‘The Third Man’:

It all ended in perhaps the most ignominious fashion possible… Orson’s last role was as one of the voice actors in ‘The Transformers: The Movie’ in 1986.

Here’s a 4 minute refresher course on a film only marginally worse than it’s live-action counterpart:

Perhaps ‘Christmas Tails’ isn’t the right film to send-off one of the greatest directors of all time (and a pretty decent actor too). But it can’t be any worse than an animated 90 minute toy commercial, can it?

Can it?

Though I promise you now… if somehow ‘Christmas Tails’ ALSO features Stan Bush singing ‘The Touch’, then I hereby vow to pay my hard-earned at the box office to farewell the great man in style.

Welcome back to Hollywood, Mr. Welles,


My local shopping centre: #3

March 28, 2010

Apparently this is how one acquires a dog in the Western suburbs:

Phew... it comes with a lash...

What you then decide to do with a cute puppy… well, that’s your business, not mine.


When dessert turns to the Dark Side

March 26, 2010

Most awesome cake ever?

Darth Goes Paternal


I’ll let you decide…


The hand wipe of doom

March 25, 2010

As in all things in life, timing’s everything Dubya.

Look for a follow-up clip where Bush farts in an elevator, then blames Clinton.


Every journey begins with a first step…

March 25, 2010

In this instance he's showing his protege how to rock the shit out of wearing a robe

And every Hero needs a Mentor.

This from


–noun: a wise and trusted counselor or teacher.

Typically that definition, along with our general knowledge of the archetype, brings to mind the image of an older male figure, bearded perhaps, the keeper of untold secrets. Think of some famous mentor’s over time… Aristotle, Merlin, Obi Wan Kenobi, Mister Miyagi, Miley Cyrus…


Yep, Miley filled the role of mentor this week on the reality TV series ‘American Idol’.

The next contestant voted off American Idol... I'm afraid it's time for your journey to end... Billy

She’s 17.

My instinctual reaction is outrage, yet again. Bear in mind that this is the same marginally talented moppet who released her ‘memoirs’ through publisher Disney-Hyperion Books at age 16. On March 24th she’ll have celebrated 4 whole years in the limelight as a fully-fledged TV star/singer/jail-bait celeb. She has 3 studio albums to her credit. She ain’t Aretha, Madonna or even Pink, in other words.

But then, when you stop to really think about it, what better choice could American Idol exec’s have made?

  • It’s practically a family tradition to wring every last drop out of the meager stocks of talent you possess.
  • Thanks to a television show, she became famous for being famous a long time before anyone could adequately judge her performing abilities.
  • She knows what it’s like to be worshiped by a fan base comprised solely of legions of temperamental teenagers.
  • The girl knows how to milk every ounce of publicity out of any situation (Hi Liam!).

So maybe she’s not a mentor in the traditional sense of the word. But if your goal is to create a disposable bubble-gum album made by a flavorless pop star who’ll become a walking punch-line in years to come…

Tween dollar, We Want YOU!

Then you’ve found your Yoda.

Until next time, please know that I don’t WANT to continually bash Miley…

But she just keeps making it SO easy.


The Internet – An Invisibility Cloak for Douche-bag’s

March 24, 2010

Choke on a dick, Greedo6274!

Some horribly sad news with a horribly predictable outcome.

Queensland teenager Saxon Bird tragically died in a Gold Coast lifesaving championship last week. His last words to his mother reportedly were “I really don’t want to do this”. Organizers had been minutes away from canceling the event when he was struck in the head by his surfboard and killed.

In their grief, Bird’s friends and relatives posted a Facebook page dedicated to Saxon’s memory. You can guess where this is heading…

Mere days later the site had been swamped with obscene messages and hateful, malicious comments.

Saxon Bird

An anarchic online group is being blamed for the ‘prank’, but even if authorities were to track down the responsible parties, what action could actually be taken?

This is just the latest in a series of Facebook memorial’s which have been attacked. This year has also seen pages dedicated to Trinity Bates, an 8-year-old girl murdered in Bundaberg, and Elliot Fletcher, a 12-year-old stabbed in a schoolyard dispute in Brisbane, targeted by cyber-assholes.

My question to the people who created these pages is: what did they think was gonna happen?

Now, first things first, please don’t take this to mean that I’m defending or condoning the dickhole’s posting hurtful comments. They fully deserve to be publicly outed and shamed for their behavior.

What I’m saying is that anyone with even a slightly functional knowledge of the internet knows that respect, as well as so many other social conventions we take for granted on a daily basis, do not apply in cyberspace.

Let’s talk fact – the internet has afforded us the ability to retrieve information from anywhere in the world almost instantly. It’s enabled us the ability to constantly communicate with one another. It’s changed the way we view the world, and our belief in a basic right to be able to access or comment on whatever we wish, whenever we feel like it (right, Stephen Conroy?).

But in doing these things, it has created a system that can quite easily be utterly devoid of respect, courtesy or boundaries, depending entirely on the user of course.

If some racist, maladjusted idiot wants to post a comment on the YouTube clip for Beyonce’s ‘Single Ladies’ saying “SHE IS A NIGGA BITCH, SHE CAN’T SING ADN IBET SHE SUX LOTS OF DICKS SP SHE COULD BE A SINGER LOL”… he can.

(Note: I can understand how these people may have issues with correct spelling or grammar, but why oh why do they always seem to have the Caps Lock on?)

So this guy has embraced the internet and his fans for 15 years??? FUCK HIM! Where's my Caps Lock?!

If you want to post on film-maker Kevin Smith’s View Askew forum “FUK FAT SMITH HE CANN’T DIRECT SHIT N HES NOT AS GOOD AS TRANSFROMERS 2!!!”… well, you can do that also.

And if some fool wants to join Saxon Bird’s memorial page on Facebook and write “FUCK HIM FAGGOT, I BET HES BLOWIN SUM DUDE IN HELL :P”… then guess what? That’ll happen too.

Of course none of these people would EVER have the balls to talk smack like that in person to the intended victim of their abuse. But that’s the point. The internet doesn’t just allow this kind of interaction, it thrives on it. The act of ‘trolling’, making deliberately inflammatory statements on various websites, is considered merely harmless fun. No one even blinks at being labeled a fucktard by some yahoo they’ve never met. Shit that would get your ass kicked in reality is just par for the course online.

In this kind of environment, whilst I appreciate the sentiment involved in creating a page to pay tribute to a dead friend or relative, you simply cannot expect the same kind of basic courtesy you would probably receive in person from 95% + of the general population.

And whilst it may seem the argument of a complete Luddite, does grief really need to take some kind of virtual form on the web? Is there any genuine solace to be found in a ‘Join this memorial group’ request?

It pays to ALWAYS remember that the world we live in and the online world we occasionally occupy are very different places.

Because even the interaction we’re sharing right now, between you the reader and this WordPress blog, is no substitute for real shared human experience.

Nevertheless I’ll continue to try to subscribe to the idea of treating others the way I want to be treated, both in person and on the net. But at the same time I’m not going to be fuckin flabbergasted when dArKkNiGhT41 at tells me that my mother should have aborted me and then sterilized herself just because I wasn’t completely blown away by ‘The Watchmen’…

Maybe… a little… sniffle… hurt… sob… but not… surprised,