Archive for April, 2010

The Japanese translation for ‘Stallone’ and ‘Badass’ is exactly the same word!

April 29, 2010

B-movie nirvana is due to arrive later this year when a heartfelt and moving new drama from Sylvester Stallone hits the big screen,

‘The Expendables’ stars Sly, Jet Li, Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture and Stone Cold Steve Austin… with cameos from Bruce Willis and The Governator himself. Essentially it’s 90% of the actors that punched or kicked someone on film between 1983 and 1995.

‘Sophie’s Choice’ this is not.

My favorite new pastime is comparing American trailers for films to their Japanese equivalent.

This is the U.S trailer for ‘The Expendables’:

And this is the Japanese teaser trailer:

You want explosions? Big guns? Airplanes? Hyper-excited voiceover? Jason Statham playing a character named Lee Christmas? YOU GOT IT!

Makes its American cousin seem pretty staid by comparison, huh. If you were asked to choose which trailer sells this movie more effectively to its target audience, I think option B might just prevail.

How many sleeps until October again?



Wiggum 2012 – Believe!

April 29, 2010

Finally, a politician that speaks to MY generation:

Close your eyes for one moment and imagine a televised debate between Ralph and Sarah Palin…

PALIN – Because that’s what I believe gosh darn it, and it’ll promote solid family values in this country, a value I know a lot of people in this country truly value!

WIGGUM – Mooses are funny.

All hail the next POTUS! The Bloodhound Gang shall be the first to pay homage:

Someone get to work on a HOPE poster!


My Workplace

April 28, 2010

Faeries not pictured

This, dear reader, is the kitchen within my current place of employ.

Note the proliferation of colorful signs pasted on every available surface. There’s even one sign not in picture here.

6 signs in all. All of them describing the need to put your dishes in the dishwasher.

3 of which mention Dishwashing Faeries.


I guess if asking nicely doesn’t cut the mustard, your only hope is to infer how over-worked specific magical creatures are.

Personally, I always put my dishes in the dishwasher. And I also do my best not to spill any crumbs on the floor near my desk, lest the Vacuuming Leprechauns lose all respect for me.

Whoever came up with this ‘Work 5 days / Get 2 days off’ system was a freakin asshole.


The C-Bomb and 11 year old children

April 27, 2010

After being in general release for a few weeks now, it’s still hard to believe that the film ‘Kick-Ass’ remains shrouded in controversy.

Is it for gratuitous violence? For glamorizing a whole cache of deadly weapons? For trying to resurrect Nicolas Cage’s career?


It’s because an 11-year-old character uses the C-word during a scene in the following context:

OK, you c—s, let’s see what you can do now.

Hit Girl, played by 13-year-old actress Chloe Grace Moretz, is a child vigilante, partnered with her near sociopathic father Big Daddy (Cage). Together they work to vanquish the criminal underbelly of an entire city with extreme prejudice. Hit Girl uses guns, wields swords and, as the title suggests, kicks a whole lot of ass. But of more concern than the over-the-top action sequences is that she uses THAT word. You know, the one that 1 in 3 chicks will punch you for using in company.

She could beat ME in a fight. Without weapons. In real life. Consistently.

C**t seems to remain one of the last real verbal taboos, at least in the English language. Over 30 years ago George Carlin was talking about the 7 words you can’t say on television. Now the C-smack is pretty much the only word that viewers occasionally get worked up about. It doesn’t have the nasty racial connotation of an epithet like N****r, which the black community has, despite all odds, managed to take back and re-frame for their own use.

Could women take back the C-word? Will we hear female pop singers in 10 years time recounting the time they went to the club with all their c**ts? Probably not. My belief often revolves around the idea that there are no bad words, just bad intentions. However, as a white, middle class male in 2010 I’m probably of the demographic least exposed to any form of prejudice, ever.

The word c**t doesn’t faze me at all. But then it’s not supposed to. So I can understand how it might strike a chord with women in particular, who don’t want to hear THAT word come out of the mouth of an 11-year-old girl, especially not when it’s coming from a screenplay written by a white, upper class dude.

Over time the shock value of any word diminishes. One day we’ll live in a world where THAT word is used in practically every sentence, by men and women. It’ll become a simple exclamatory expression. It’ll probably even adorn the personalized license plates of custom lowered VS Commodores…

Shit, who am I kidding? That’s a pretty accurate definition of the majority of Melbourne’s west, NOW.

Once you're in the Green Zone, anything goes

Is this storm in a tea-cup because a young character uses the word, which might then influence other children to use it similarly? If so, who’s letting their kids watch Kick-Ass?!? In Australia it’s been pretty clearly rated MA 15+. You think the filmmakers should refrain from using this kind of language because you don’t put in the time to monitor the TV and movies that they’re watching / renting / downloading? And if this is the case, is it really the language that should perturb you?

Doing press for his film, writer/director Matthew Vaughn has made a valid point, bringing up the fact that in recent interviews some reviewers and the media have been very quick to condemn him for his use of profane language, but of less concern has been the fact that over the course of the film Hit Girl murders 53 people.

Fifty. Three.

I have an 11-year-old brother. I think that I’d be less concerned by him telling me his teacher is a c**t than if he told me he killed 50 of his classmates playing footy at lunchtime.

But that’s just me.

As the ‘South Park’ movie so eloquently put it more than 10 years ago, “Horrific, Deplorable violence is okay, as long as people don’t say any naughty woids!

They even wrote a song called ‘Uncle Fucker’ to prove their point.

And how can anyone argue with that?


P.S – I may just use that song to try and prove every point I ever try to make from this point on. Stay tuned…

25-words-or-less movie review: ‘Cannibal! The Musical’

April 26, 2010

Really early Parker & Stone, doing what they do best: write musicals.

It’s pure Troma, super cheap and cheesy.

For fans only.



Who knew Job was the 5th Baldwin brother?

April 24, 2010

And yes, I meant Job of the Bible, not Gob of the Bluth.

This is one of these websites that you’re sure has to be fake, and yet somehow it’s not…

The Restoration of Stephen Baldwin

Stephen's on the right. I think that's Daniel Baldwin on the left.

That’s right, folks. America’s 2nd (maybe even 3rd) favorite Baldwin needs YOUR help.

Seems Steve Baldwin has fallen on hard hard times the past few years. This’d be why he’s ‘starring’ on shit like ‘Celebrity Big Brother’ in the U.K.

And why the website feels the need to compare him to Job. Lots.

For realsies.

I don’t know my Bible so well (as you may have picked up from this blog), but didn’t Job go through some more serious shit than just not getting any good acting parts after ‘The Usual Suspects’?

And Kev Spacey? He's like a gay, super-cool Joseph. Capiche?

The Baldwinites argue that when Stevey became a born again Christian, his career opportunities dried up, which was directly responsible for him claiming bankruptcy in 2009.

So you’re asking “But Monkey, what can I possibly do to help turn Steve’s life around?” Money, stupid! Give lots! See, it all revolves around ‘token gifting’. If only 10% of Christians in the U.S, on the planet, heck, just in this galaxy gave a token gift… what would that tell the world about Christianity? Huh?

Not sure they really want to hear my answer to that question.

I’m going to posit the theory that maybe there are more worthwhile causes for well-meaning Christians than resurrecting the career of the dude in ‘Bio-dome’ that wasn’t Pauly Shore.

Which makes one think…

I’m going to donate my hard-earned to the Restoration of Pauly Shore movement. Because what the world truly needs right now is the return of The Weasel.

For Pauly loved the world so much that he made shit like ‘Son-in-Law’…


Trey Parker and Matt Stone – making a tidy Prophet

April 23, 2010

I tips me lid to Trey Parker and Matt Stone, whose bastard-child ‘South Park’ celebrated it’s 200th episode last week.

This achievement was well and truly eclipsed (as per usual for the boys) by a controversy regarding their depiction of the Muslim prophet Muhammad.

Briefly, the episode revolved around a lawsuit by every celebrity the town of South Park has ever slandered. That’s Tom Cruise, Paris Hilton, Angelina Jolie, Richard Dawkins, Al Gore… lotsa people. The town offers the celebrities anything they want to drop the lawsuit. But the celebrities want… Muhammad, so they can steal his ability to be immune from ridicule once and for all. The boys find the prophet, but as Muhammad cannot be seen by mere mortals like you, me and Mr. Garrison, much of the episode revolves around ways NOT to show him, the last of which was by doing this:

That's Muhammad in the Bear mascot outfit.

An extreme Muslim website called made it very clear that while they weren’t threatening to kill Matt and Trey for their depiction of the Muslim prophet, people had been murdered for less in the past. Like Theo Van Gogh, a Dutch filmmaker, killed after he made a documentary about the oppression of women in the Muslim culture.

And just to reinforce the fact they weren’t making a threat, they then posted a picture of Van Gogh’s dead body.


Maybe you missed it, Anwar.

Anyways, episode 200 ended on a cliff hanger when the celebrities awoke Barbra Streisand to lay waste to South Park, whilst at the same time Cartman was finally about to learn who his father really is. Thanks to the extremely quick turnaround time producing an episode, Episode 201 managed to actually address many of the criticisms and controversy regarding ‘200’, an episode that aired less than a week previously.

For example… inside the Bear costume… it wasn’t Muhammad. It was Santa Claus, in an elaborate plan by the boys to try and dupe his would-be captors. When Randy Marsh mentions that he thought Muhammad was in the suit, his son Stan tells him “Why would we put Muhammad in a bear costume? That’s just fucking stupid”.

Oh, and the name Muhammad is beeped every time it’s uttered. For the entire episode.

I assumed this some kind of intentional, parodic meta-joke. Even their usual “I learned something today”, moral-of-the-story speech (made by Kyle) is beeped for a solid 20 seconds. Santa Claus then tries to elaborate, only to be beeped for even longer. However it turns out this was actually a decision made and enforced by Comedy Central during post production.

“Yes, we get that the point of the episode is who and what its OK to make fun of… but we’re choosing to censor it anyway”.


See… I learned something today… Parker and Stone have always been very clear that on South Park there are no sacred cows. They’ve targeted Christianity, Catholicism, Scientology, Atheists, Celebrities, the Media without ever pulling a punch. They’re basically 40 year old high school students, sitting at the back of the class and ripping on the teacher and their fellow students. And THAT is the point of the show. Either it’s OK to make fun of everyone, or no one at all. To do anything less would be hypocrisy of the worst kind. Right, Comedy Central?


And even on their worst day, the Park-ies remain infinitely more coherent than ‘Family Guy’. So there.

Plus, in ep 201 they re-introduced one of my favorite television characters of all time… Vietnam vet and conman grifter, Mitch Connor.

"No sir... blood ain't the stuff for an 18 year old kid from Sheboigan"

Yes, that is EXACTLY what it looks like… Cartman making a Señor Wences-style hand puppet.

But that’s a post for another day.


Watch episode 3 tonight… and Wednesday… probably Saturday too

April 22, 2010

This book has funny words in it???

Hi all, your old pal with a refresher on the definition of:

en·core –

again; once more (used by an audience in calling for an additional number or piece).

It’s probably unfair to single out one television network, because they’re all guilty of this to a degree. But for now Channel 9 is in the gun, because they’re the most recent station to hit me last night with a repeat performance of ‘Underbelly: The Golden Mile’.

That’s three days after it initially aired.

Emma Booth! I haven't seen you since... two days ago.

I’ll concede that encore can also mean simply ‘a repeated or additional performance‘. But Channel 9’s promo quite specifically states that they’re replaying the episode “Because you demanded it!”

Who? Who demanded it? Not me. Is their switchboard really being bombarded with requests by over-eager viewers? Because they want to watch the episode again… but… isn’t that what the internets is for? And those whatchamacallit’s… DVD’s?

I’m reasonably sure that each network television station has a quota of Australian drama content they have to air every year. Do these encore performances contribute towards reaching that quota? I’m genuinely curious.

As it is, I’m fine with stations endlessly showing the same ep of their A-List shows every week. I subscribe to the idea that if I don’t likes it, I turns it off. But DON’T patronize me and the viewing public by telling us that we demanded something.

Lord, I’m asking for honesty in media advertising now… naivety thy name is Mon-Kee.


Realism + 1

April 20, 2010

Can’t help but be irked by the latest and greatest in P.R stunts, the carefully orchestrated celebrity ‘Photoshop Free!’ photo-shoot.

My beloved Britney Spears recently succumbed, and was followed soon after by Kim Kardashian. Britney’s peeps want you to laud her bravery in releasing THESE shots to you, Joe Public:

Before & After... staggering differences, huh?

Yes, it’s the shots on the LEFT that are the touched up images.

Wait! I didn’t mean that the way it sounded… OK, yes, I did.

Publicists have said Britney chose to release the shots herself to “…highlight the pressure exerted on women to look perfect.” Wow. How incredibly difficult it must be to allow people to see the three or four blemishes on your entire body.

How’s about someone bring up the fact that these ladies have chosen to be seen sans-Photoshop, sure, but not a professional Photographer, photography studio, lighting and extensive hair and make-up.

Britney, your impressive parenting skills, song-writing ability, spectacular concerts and dancer’s thighs mean you’ll ALWAYS be an inspiration to me. This is just another string that your bow hardly needs.

You’re not a girl, and (still) not yet a woman. Not to me at least!

Hugs and kisses,


Who could have seen this coming?

April 20, 2010

What do you mean this isn't Carl Williams?!?

Australia was rocked yesterday by the news that notorious Melbourne criminal Carl Williams was brutally murdered at the high security Barwon Prison.

And by ‘rocked’, I mean vaguely surprised. Almost.

I’ll admit my initial reaction was “Oh… But… who will the teenage wannabe gangsters in Broadmeadows emulate now?!?”. Then I realized how callous and unnecessarily cruel it was of me to forget the other kiddy-thugs in Sunshine, Deer Park, St. Albans… all MY old stomping grounds. So my condolences go out to them, also.

It’s impressive how much Melbournian’s feel like they knew who Carl Williams was, thanks of course to ‘Underbelly’ and the exhaustive reporting of his every waking moment by the media. Channel 9 even screened an episode of ‘Australia’s Criminal Families’ last night (hosted by Vince Colosimo, natch), under the auspices of it being a career retrospective of Carl’s, I guess. Pretty savvy.

Nuthin like a lil prison murder to help with cross-promotion. Now if only 9 exec's can figure out how to kill off Jackie McDonald for Hey Hey...

For the record, my only link to Carl Williams (besides my closet party-drug empire, of course) is that I served him in the DVD store I managed in Airport West many years back. This was at the height of Melbourne gangland paranoia, when he was on the cover of tabloid newspapers every second day. All I remember is a tubby man with tipped hair who walked around the shopping centre like he owned half the world, and had the other half on lay-by.

And no, I can’t remember what he bought, only that it probably wasn’t a copy of ‘Flubber’.

A picture of the infamous failed hit on Robin Williams-Moran

Williams’ death, to me, has just confirmed my suspicion that there are certain individuals that major newspapers, magazines, etc, have to have pre-written obituaries for. It may be because of the potential corpses age, illness, or personal situation, but it’s gotta happen, right? You don’t want to be caught on the back foot when Lindsay Lohan O.D’s in Brentwood, so you fill in all the pertinent details now now now!

That being said, do you think you could have written the Carl Williams obit word for word the same day that he became an inmate at Barwon Prison in 2007? Try this on for size;

Carl Williams, (insert age) was found dead this (morning/afternoon) at Barwon Prison in Victoria. The notorious gangland figure was found (beaten/stabbed/strangled/raped) to death in the prison yard by a fellow inmate at approximately (insert time). Officials tried to revive him, but he was pronounced dead at the scene.

Insert background information poached from previously written articles, and voila!

It’s never nice to revel in the death of another human being. However when that human being may be one of the single worst mass-murderer’s in Australia’s history… well… then… who’s really losing any sleep?


We’ve lost Carl Williams, everybody. BUT, we may have gained some more quality television drama…

Tell me there's not a likeness there

Every cloud has a silver lining, after all.