My local shopping centre: #4

The local Big W store, before I set it on fire

Dear Big W,

A short note from a faithful patron regarding your proliferation of ‘Self-Serve’ check-outs.

They don’t work.

Yes, they’re a fine idea. In theory. In theory, Communism works, and is a fine notion.

I’m assuming your intent was to provide a quicker, more efficient means of self-service to speed up the exchange of money for goods. Of course there’s also the long-term benefits of these machines, like reduced spending on retail non-essentials. You know… like staff.

Smile! You just got made redundant!

Instead what you have are 8 industrial sized time-wasters. Sorry… you have 5 industrial sized time-wasters, because at least 3 terminals are always out-of-order. You’ve foolishly assumed that just because an entire generation has spent literally hours of their lives standing in queue, watching checkout workers swipe bar-codes over a scanner, that the average Joe could do it too. They can’t.

I’m losing hours standing uselessly, waiting, watching these dumb shits bumblefuck their way through trying to buy some cheap Tupperware and the latest Sookie Stackhouse book. I’m losing years watching the woman in front of me with three mewling spawn try to do the mental arithmetic to figure out exactly what ‘Debit w/ Cash Out’ means. I’m losing decades watching your one staff member have to authorize every. Single. TRANSACTION!


And what about the children??? Think of the all the young people you’re putting out of work with this devil-robot! All because you don’t wanna pay em $2.40 an hour… A part-time job at your establishment teaches them valuable skills and life lessons, like how work is always going to be just a mire of abuse, banality and watching your soul slowly wither and die one day at a time.

Yes, I could always go to one of the two check-outs where a real human being is working. And join the queue already containing approximately two hundrety jillion people. But lets not quibble, I’m trying to save you from this subconscious urge you seem to have to drive every customer you’ve ever had to ritually shopping over the internets only.

As a fan of your low low prices and harsh fluorescent lighting, I don’t want that. You don’t want that. Lets work together and make this experience a more enriching and fulfilling experience for everybody.

Destroy the Self-Serve! Restore a sense of hope to my Saturday afternoons!

Big W, you’re my only hope.

Hugs and kisses,



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