Archive for June, 2010

The Sadness of ‘Toy Story’ – Measured in tears

June 30, 2010

from Cracked.com

I don’t know what’s scarier:

i) How close the TS4 summary is to the kind of thing I regularly pitch to the Producers I work with, or

ii) That I’d probably STILL pay to see that stabby installment of this series, so long as it was made by Pixar.

John Lasseter, I ♥ U

BPM

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MasterChef contestants forced to eat steaming bowl of “I forgot I’m on a Reality TV show”

June 29, 2010

Sure you can all cook. But which of you can cry on cue AND make me a croissant at the same time???

The ‘MasterChef’ phenomenon rolls on in this country, with people apparently friggin flabbergasted at the ‘shock twist’ on the show this week.

What was this thrilling 180°???

Previously eliminated contestants re-entered the competition to once again throw their hat in the ring for the cookbook / recording / dance contract, or whatever it is they’re furiously hand-making pasta for.

I’m lucky as I’ve been afforded almost complete objectivity on ‘MasterChef’. Why? Well, I’ve never watched a whole episode for starters. I was born and raised with simple culinary tastes (Tomato AND Barbecue sauce?!?!). And I have a stomach illness which generally makes everyday food the Lex Luthor to my Bowel’s Kal-El.

But the kids seem to love this show about three fat men telling Australia that using mayonnaise bought from the supermarket is tantamount to starting the Holocaust anew. So what’re you gonna do?

I WILL, however, ask one question:

Each and every one of the contestants appears to have watched either season 1 of ‘MasterChef’, or at the very least are well versed in Reality TV and it’s inherent storylines. They know how to present themselves on camera, they know the patter (talking about “my journey”, “this is my life”, “how hard it is being separated from my kids”, etc etc). After years of prime-time indoctrination, they ‘get’ it.

So if the previous season of ‘MasterChef’ had contestants come back late in the series… and ‘The Biggest Loser’ had contestants come back… and so did ‘Big Brother’… and ‘Australian Idol’…

How shocked can you really be at one of the most played out tropes in this format?!?

Guess what Cookie, your fame as Australia’s most successful amateur kitchenhands – it’s probably fleeting (you’re only attending 1 Logies Awards, at best). There’ll probably be surprise guest appearances on your program by a celebrity chef or two. At some point you’ll receive a heart wrenching letter / phone call from your loved ones. Footage might be edited to make at least one of you appear to be ‘The Bitch’ character. Should we keep going?

I guess if you become immersed in that 24/7 competitive lifestyle for any stretch of time it can be easy to forget you’re just a puppet in an apron, whose life and hopes and dreams are so much fodder for our viewing entertainment, 6 days per week.

Just keep staring. So long as these idiots keep believing that Lychees are a pantry staple then we're RICH, bee-yotch!

Never forget people, that YOU, the Viewer… the Fat Man in the cravat don’t care about how well you cook, or your families health, so long as you keep sucking at the Glass Teat and buying all your obscure vegetables and condiments from Coles – the proud sponsor of ‘MasterChef’.

Chew on that.

And lets hope that someone warns these poor ‘MasterChef’ contestants about another Reality TV shocker –

Upon completion of the season 2 finale… whoever finishes 2nd… might ultimately enjoy more fame and success than the actual winner!!!

Stranger things have happened…

That's wot I'M talkin bout!

BPM

Headline of the week

June 29, 2010

MAN CLAIMS TO BE SEDUCED BY COW

#81 in FHM’s ‘100 Sexiest Women’ Poll of 2010

from the Daily Telegraph

That’s right —

SEDUCED

When a Balinese man caught his 18-year-old neighbour in his rice paddy field “wooing” some livestock, the young man in question immediately fell back on the ol ‘the-cow-seduced-me’ defense.

The use of the word “wooing” in this news report absolutely kills me… anyway… where were we?

Oh yes – cow fucking.

Busti Ngurah Alit was busted naked, at the business end of the cow, but was quick enough on his feet to claim that a) this wasn’t really his fault, because… b) he hadn’t even seen a cow… instead it had appeared to him as a beautiful woman.

Yipes.

Plus the cow was dressed all slutty, and was totally asking for it.

I’ve read other reports where it says Alit was then forced to marry the cow, before it was drowned in the sea so as not to bring bad luck to his village.

Double Yipes.

It’s like some shady Indonesian Film Noir, with Clarabelle playing the Bovine Fatale.

The only thing I’ve found to make this story even better?

Read it whilst listening to this song:

Now THAT’S sexy, Busti Ngurah Alit!

BPM

2D – Coming Soon in 3D

June 27, 2010

Come ON, guys! You're only encouraging those other assholes!!!

Went to the picture thee-atres on the weekend with my younger siblings to catch ‘Toy Story 3’ (as previously stated I’m a hooooooge Pixar Fag).

Enjoyed the shit outta the movie which (in my humble opinion) almost holds its own with 1 & 2, which is no mean feat.

However it WAS somewhat disconcerting to sit through the previews for the upcoming slate of children’s cinematic releases…

  • ‘Legend of the Guardians’ – in 3D
  • ‘Rio’ – in 3D, and
  • ‘MegaMind’ – in 2… no wait… that was 3D also.

We’re going to raise a generation of children who see even state-of-the-art CG animation as a passe, dead technology unless they also get to wear cheap, shitty, multi-colored glasses.

Start to start work on the next industry-changing technology, James Cameron.

But for the love of God, please don’t let it be Smell-o-Vision.

BPM

Michael Jackson – One Year On…

June 25, 2010

Out of curiosity, exactly how old was that tiger? And why did he name it Sch'mon, anyways?!?

Everybody has the right to mourn in their own way…

Sure, you might choose to commemorate the passing of the King of Pop by throwing ‘Blame it on the Boogie’ on repeat.

Maybe you re-watched the ‘Thriller’ film clip one more time, curled up on the couch spooning with a stuffed toy monkey named Bubbles.

Or perhaps you were the ree-ree at work telling everyone you really truly knew how to do the moonwalk… just not in these shoes.

Me? I prefer to reflect on his memory like thuzz, with a classic Dave Chappelle bit, circa 2004:

Goodnight Sweet Prince… I mean Symbol… Prince Michael? No… just Michael! I meant Michael…

BPM

Julia to Kevin: “Umm… Sorry?”

June 24, 2010

You can tell that she speaks for our nation, cos there's a flag behind her...

June 24th, 2010. An historic day in Australia. It’s worth going over just a few of the numbers:

  • Our 1st female Prime Minister
  • Despite calling for peace with the mining industry and making a conciliatory gesture by withdrawing the government’s anti-mining TV commercials, BHP Biliton shares (the world’s biggest mining company) still dropped by 1.6 % overnight.
  • It’s expected that the appointment of Gillard should see preferred leader polls swing back to the ALP. An Essential Research poll conducted last week before the leadership purge indicated that amongst white men Gillard was the preferred PM to Tony Abbott by a 47-40 margin, and amongst women that number reached as high as 53-25.
  • And most significantly, Gillard’s appointment to our nation’s top role saw ‘Ranga’-related humour skyrocket by Two Hundredty Jillion Percent, an all-time high.

To Ms. Gillard I offer a hearty congratulations.

But until someone comes up with the Julia Gillard ‘Hope’ poster, or conceives of a marketing slogan as blindingly clever as Kevin07, I will remain unconvinced of her true leadership potential.

What rhymes with ‘Julia’, anyway?!

BPM

The Cyrus sees all… the Cyrus knows all…

June 23, 2010

Yes, I realize that's Amanda Bynes. But for the purpose of this post you'll have to just imagine she's Miley Cyrus, kay?

I was going to write a post about the Miley-Beast…

I was going to point out how much of a ‘coincidence’ it is that she’s been caught out in 2 separate up-skirting incidents at the exact same time as she’s taken to telling everyone and anyone who’ll listen that she’s all growed up n’ sexy now.

Maybe I was even going to make a ‘horse-faced tween idol’ joke.

I was going to do those thing…

Then, last night as I was reading the details of her latest costume-related controversy on various music news websites (that I know the music awards show in question, and that I know it occurred in Toronto, is a horribly sad state of affairs in and of itself), my computer rebelled. A Cyrus-Virus struck my PC with all the devastating force of a shitty pop-ballad.

Like this one

One Jim’s Computers service call later (from a dude named Mandeep and not Jim at all), and it seems my computer is kaput-ski.

Miley Cyrus killed my computer.

Miley, I’d like to revoke any and all of my previously inflammatory statements on this blog. I’d like to apologize if I’ve offended you in any way. You are a smart, sexy young woman who (apparently) Can’t Be Tamed.

Tread carefully, friends. Take it from someone who knows and has been made to pay the price (well, a couple hundred bucks, anyways).

Watch what you say, and who you say it to.

Because Miley’s watching…

BPM

Advanced Math 101: Alcohol + Air Rifle = ???

June 23, 2010

Some reporters choose to ‘bury the lead’ in a news article, by which I mean you’re expected to read in at least a few sentences to dig up the real, juicy information.

And then there are reporters who choose to put everything out on front-street.

“Two drinking mates are in trouble with the law after they decided to take turns shooting each other with an air rifle in Victoria’s west”.

"Now we killed dis here thing, it's time for the most dangerous game - where we hunt MAN for sport!"

from Herald Sun.com.au

For those of you who may be concerned, don’t worry – both men are OK and in a stable condition. Though if they weren’t I think it’d be safe to assume we wouldn’t have lost the cure for cancer.

2 dudes, at a farm near the Grampians in Victoria. Add beer. It was inevitable that sooner or later they’d have to take turns shooting one another in the legs and buttocks just to ‘see if it would hurt’, right?

I’ve got just two points:

  1. To all the ree-ree’s out there who love to stage their own Johnny Knoxville-style shenanigans… you DO realize that those Jackass dickheads are making a shit-ton of money for hurting themselves on camera, right? That they’re doing it for a worldwide audience of guys suffering through arrested emotional development, not just one pal on a farm. Right? Huh?

    Funny, sure, until you remember your DVD purchase PAID for those mini-bikes

  2. Without fail you’ll find at least one of these quirky little stories every week. Now think back… how many of them revolved around women doing something this stupid, like trying to light a queef or wearing a brown-snake as a necktie? Any of them?

So cling to the desperate belief that women can’t park a car or read a map, gentlemen. Because they’ve got us beat in sooooooo many other areas of day-to-day life (like not killing one’s self, just to see if it’ll hurt), that it ain’t funny.

Now… who wants to watch me light my pubes on fire?

BPM

Headline of the week

June 21, 2010

LINDSAY LOHAN INSISTS PORN FILM WON’T BE ‘VULGAR

Sober-living agrees with you, Linds

from The Age.com

This headline is of course in reference to Lohan’s planned starring role in a biopic of Linda Lovelace, the world’s first real porn star (she appeared in the infamous 1972 skinflick ‘Deep Throat’ as… well… umm…).

A question from the floor, Ms. Lohan —

Who the fuck wants to see a non-vulgar movie about the making of ‘Deep Throat’?!?!

It don’t take a world of research to see that Linda Lovelace suffered through a pretty horrific life. Forced to give up a child for adoption aged just 20, Lovelace was trapped in a brutal relationship for many years (allegedly forced to ‘perform’ in, amongst other things, bestiality porn reels by her husband, Chuck Traynor), became addicted to a variety of hardcore drugs and ultimately achieved notoriety as the world’s most famous pole-smoker 2 full decades before Paris Hilton even entered tweendom.

And yet, for all that, she still enjoyed greater career longevity than I suspect poor LiLo has in her.

No, that's not method acting. That's just a standard Tuesday

Genius casting? Or accident waiting to happen? Should be veddy interestink.

Nevertheless, good luck and God speed, Lindsay Lohan.

If you can find it within to magically transport us with a classy, sophisticated depiction of poor Linda whilst still keeping on your legally required SCRAM alcohol monitoring anklet… well… then you’re a better actress than I.

BPM

Facebook wins a penalty shootout

June 21, 2010

"I have a red piece of cardboard and I want to be on television too!"

So I sucked it up (oh, grow up), and performed what I was told was my national duty on Saturday night – I watched the Socceroo’s blockbuster matchup against the might and power of Ghana.

1-1.

Hmm.

Don’t worry, Dear Reader – I’m not about to enter into another rant about boring tactics, interminable defensive play and seemingly completely arbitrary officiating… instead I’ll let this speak for me:

Happily, I’ve stumbled upon the secret to remaining relatively informed on World Cup results without having to watch a minute of Soccer.

Teacher. Mother. Secret Lover.

Trust me… other people’s status updates are the only way to follow a game…

“Go Aussies!”

“You can do it Australia!!!”

“GOALLLLLLLL”

“Go Holman!”

“WTF???”

“This is friggin bullshit!”

“red card my ass just give everyone a red card why dont you ref”

“Regroup Aussies”

“Brave football, 10 men, Australia you did us proud”

“First cahill then kewell just give us a chance!”

Followed by the final exclamation point…

“Fuck Soccer”.

Plus, in between vitriolic Soccer-related updates, I got to see how someone needs me to find their Toucan on some retarded Treasure Island Facebook-game.

That’s multi-tasking, bitches.

BPM