Round the World Sailing – For Dummies

I want a party! I want a pony! I want to sail around the world!

I felt equal amounts of vindication and disgust over the weekend when 16-year-old American sailor Abby Sunderland was rescued about 2000 nautical miles off the coast of Western Australia.

Sunderland, who’s basically an American facsimile of Jessica Watson with better teeth, was found stranded on her battered yacht after frantic search and rescue efforts were carried out by authorities over the course of the preceding 24 hours.

So why am I disgusted?

Because this was always going to be another case of an accident waiting to happen. A solo round-the-world sailing expedition is a pretty dumb idea. It moves beyond dumb when the sailor is barely able to get a learners driving permit. I don’t care how mature Abby thinks she is, or how capable her parents believe her to be. Isn’t it true that the adolescent brain, amongst other things, doesn’t perceive or process specific emotions or potentially dangerous situations in the same way the fully matured, adult mind does? Isn’t it true that so much of being a teenager is testing one’s boundaries? So why would you allow any 16-year-old to put herself in such a dangerous position?!?!

See how long you can hold your breath in the pool. Drink too much at a house party. Get a piercing you’ll regret. Make it through high school without getting pregnant or shot. But don’t attempt some retarded quest in the name of ‘adventure’, and then foot another countries tax-payers with a $200,000 + bill for it.

Or, to phrase it in the parlance of a tabloid current affairs show…

“Why YOUR hard earned tax dollars are being spent saving spoilt American children on their flights of whimsy”

Where's the Grimace when you actually need her?

A genius quote from father, Laurence Sunderland: “We’re a family of adventurers, not accountants“.

I’ll tell you what you’re a family of, dipshit…

It was a minor miracle that Jessica Watson made it safely back to Australia from her own misguided ‘voyage’. And rather than touch on that fact, even for a moment, we prefer to celebrate the kid as though she discovered the mystical continent of the Indies…

Are you trying to say me and my baby-pink boat might not be mature enough for this adventure?!?

And with my spleen somewhat vented, how then do I feel any vindication from this whole sorry shemozzle?

Because I 100% accurately predicted as soon as Sunderland was pronounced missing that not only would she be saved, but she would then claim that she would try again to sail around the world, regardless.

Which is exactly what this idiot did on Sunday.

One definition I’ve always heard of for insanity is that it is doing the same thing over and over, and somehow expecting different results.

That being said, you know what… let this kid try again. Why not. And this time when she gets stranded, leave her there. If her parents want to personally try to launch a rescue mission like something out of a Roland Emmerich movie, then be my guest. Go crazy. When that all goes pear-shaped? We still don’t send anyone out to save them. And when they finally succumb to Poseidon, we tell people the truth;

a) a man’s gots to know his limitations, and

b) maybe the Indian Ocean during storm season in the middle of winter isn’t a completely safe place for a teenager.

Aquaman has better shit to do than save your dumb ass

Because you know who will inevitably jump on to Abby Sunderland’s coat tails? A 15-year-old who wants to sail around the world. Then a 14-year-old. Followed by a 13-year-old, of course…

Sacrificing an Abby Sunderland to the murky depths is a small price to pay so as not to clog our oceans with a shit-ton of Tweens in yachts who crave ‘adventure’… at least it is in MY book.

After all…

Adventure… Excitement… a Monkey craves not these things.



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