The World Cup – a match to determine the greatest nation on Earth… Mexico OR Portugal!*

* Yes, that title is a Simpsons nod. Couldn’t help myself…

It’s the moment so many millions of silly bastards have been waiting for desperately for almost 4 years.

It’s time…


Stupid hats are mandatory



You may be able to tell (or you may not… my snarkasm’s a little rusty), but I am no fan of the World Cup, or Soccer in general. And yes, I will call it Soccer for the duration of this post, not Football. Deal with it.

As a ricockulous fan of way too many sports, one would assume I would enjoy a month dedicated to little else but elite sporting competition between 32 different nations.

One would be wrong.

I’ve never been interested in Soccer, whatsoever. It might have something to do with being raised on faster, higher scoring sports like AFL, or Basketball, or Badminton.

Or Lawn Bowls.

It might be that Soccer domestically in Australia has long been a bad joke, as has our presence in international competition. It might be my lack of any real European or Latin blood, and thus not being able to support a 2nd, traditionally successful team based on my heritage. It might be that I’m no huge fan of getting up at 4:30 in the morning.

Or it might just be that Soccer is basically as boring as an episode of ‘Better Homes & Gardens’.

Except the World Cup never taught me how to make interesting wall-paper designs for the kids bedrooms...

90 minutes of nobody doing anything = Not my idea of a good time.

To borrow/steal from ‘The Simpsons’ yet again:

I offered the following analogy to The Wife on the weekend —

The World Cup is like getting up at 4 in the morning for a month to watch porn where nobody fucks“.

She was not impressed. But then, she rarely is with my stupidicisms.

1-0… 1-1… 0-0…

45 minutes at a stretch of the Centre holds it… holds it… holds it…

I’m often argued down by friends with shit like, “Aussie Rules?!?! That’s played in one country. Soccer is played all over the world!” As if somehow I should be convinced based purely on the numbers. Look, Islam is statistically the most second-most popular religion in the world, right? Upwards of 1,100,000,000 followers. And yet those numbers still don’t make me wanna pick up the Koran.

Calling it ‘The World Game’ is like calling Boxing the ‘Sweet Science’. Catchy, but ultimately meaningless.

The low scoring adds to tension. It makes the game more interesting and even more exciting“. Again, this is akin to telling me extended periods of forced abstinence make sex better. That’s not the case. Believe me.

And as if a 0-0 half between New Zealand and Slovakia didn’t suck bad enough already… bring in the Vuvuzela’s!

Yes, because now when my eyes start to glaze over, I at least have the comfort of the never-ending aural drone of 40,000 retards with plastic horns.


So who will emerge victorious on the final day of the tourney? Not Australia, I’ll tell you that much. When you’re fearfully looking towards a clash with an international sporting powerhouse like Ghana… chances are you’re screwed. Italy then? Brazil? Germany? Honduras?

I wasn’t always this bitter.

Back in 2006, leading in to the last World Cup, I resigned myself to a month of conversation about Soccer in the office I worked in at the time. I told myself to try and keep an open mind. And when every staff member was asked to put $10 in to the office sweep, where you would randomly draw a country, I did it.

A staff member drew England, and cursed. One with even less interest in Soccer than I drew Brazil, and had to be told that was a good thing. I awaited my turn, reached in to the bowl of remaining countries and drew… Togo.

That’s right. Togo.

These assholes

I assumed this must’ve been a joke. I couldn’t remember having even heard of the country Togo before. I soon did my homework, though.

Togo, it turns out, is a tiny country in West Africa with a population of less than 7 million. 2006 was the first time they’d ever qualified for the World Cup. Togo was the team whose players threatened to quit days before the tournament because they wanted pay bonuses. And Togo eventually was the most heavily scored upon team in the first round, before an ignominious exit with 0 group points.

I gave the World Cup a chance.

It cost me ten bucks.

Eat a dick, Soccer.

Here’s to looking forward to the 12th of July, and the longest possible amount of time before another World Cup.

Go Socceroos,



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2 Responses to “The World Cup – a match to determine the greatest nation on Earth… Mexico OR Portugal!*”

  1. Benjamin the Donkey Says:

    Saying (I’m paraphrasing) “I don’t like football because Aussie rules is better” is akin to saying “I don’t like lamingtons because doughnuts are better”. Surely there is room for both.

    The reality is … pause for tension as I am about to court controversy … the AFL feels threatened by football. Hence the argy bargey over access to AFL-used stadia for an Australian World Cup bid. Hence Channel 7’s purchase of the then-NSL broadcast rights some years ago only to show no matches and focus on AFL.

    Now, for the record, I love Aussie Rules. It’s a great sport. But I don’t feel the need to denigrate football, cricket, basketball and tennis (all of which I follow with interest) in order to justify enjoying AFL.

    • buttonpushingmonkey Says:

      Ahhh, Benjamin… my sincere apologies if it sounded like I was trying to denigrate Soccer in comparison to AFL, specifically. I was actually trying to denigrate Soccer in comparison to anything entertaining. Ever.

      I will however agree with you that the AFL feels threatened by Soccer. But then Demetriou and Co. feel threatened by a lot of things. Soccer… Rugby… Cricket… Loud noises… Dance Dance Revolution machines… Melbourne’s CBD after-dark… Clowns…

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