MasterChef contestants forced to eat steaming bowl of “I forgot I’m on a Reality TV show”

Sure you can all cook. But which of you can cry on cue AND make me a croissant at the same time???

The ‘MasterChef’ phenomenon rolls on in this country, with people apparently friggin flabbergasted at the ‘shock twist’ on the show this week.

What was this thrilling 180°???

Previously eliminated contestants re-entered the competition to once again throw their hat in the ring for the cookbook / recording / dance contract, or whatever it is they’re furiously hand-making pasta for.

I’m lucky as I’ve been afforded almost complete objectivity on ‘MasterChef’. Why? Well, I’ve never watched a whole episode for starters. I was born and raised with simple culinary tastes (Tomato AND Barbecue sauce?!?!). And I have a stomach illness which generally makes everyday food the Lex Luthor to my Bowel’s Kal-El.

But the kids seem to love this show about three fat men telling Australia that using mayonnaise bought from the supermarket is tantamount to starting the Holocaust anew. So what’re you gonna do?

I WILL, however, ask one question:

Each and every one of the contestants appears to have watched either season 1 of ‘MasterChef’, or at the very least are well versed in Reality TV and it’s inherent storylines. They know how to present themselves on camera, they know the patter (talking about “my journey”, “this is my life”, “how hard it is being separated from my kids”, etc etc). After years of prime-time indoctrination, they ‘get’ it.

So if the previous season of ‘MasterChef’ had contestants come back late in the series… and ‘The Biggest Loser’ had contestants come back… and so did ‘Big Brother’… and ‘Australian Idol’…

How shocked can you really be at one of the most played out tropes in this format?!?

Guess what Cookie, your fame as Australia’s most successful amateur kitchenhands – it’s probably fleeting (you’re only attending 1 Logies Awards, at best). There’ll probably be surprise guest appearances on your program by a celebrity chef or two. At some point you’ll receive a heart wrenching letter / phone call from your loved ones. Footage might be edited to make at least one of you appear to be ‘The Bitch’ character. Should we keep going?

I guess if you become immersed in that 24/7 competitive lifestyle for any stretch of time it can be easy to forget you’re just a puppet in an apron, whose life and hopes and dreams are so much fodder for our viewing entertainment, 6 days per week.

Just keep staring. So long as these idiots keep believing that Lychees are a pantry staple then we're RICH, bee-yotch!

Never forget people, that YOU, the Viewer… the Fat Man in the cravat don’t care about how well you cook, or your families health, so long as you keep sucking at the Glass Teat and buying all your obscure vegetables and condiments from Coles – the proud sponsor of ‘MasterChef’.

Chew on that.

And lets hope that someone warns these poor ‘MasterChef’ contestants about another Reality TV shocker –

Upon completion of the season 2 finale… whoever finishes 2nd… might ultimately enjoy more fame and success than the actual winner!!!

Stranger things have happened…

That's wot I'M talkin bout!



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