Archive for July, 2010

What? How much money do YOU make in a year then!?!

July 31, 2010

Turns out that nobody can fathom how much money professional athletes are paid these days…

So the next time you’re at the supermarket agonizing over whether to buy that pack of Pringles, or the Kettle potato chips instead because they’re on sale, ponder this:

Joe Johnson is perhaps one of the NBA’s top 20 players. Definitely not top 10, but top 20 or so… ? Sure.

He just re-signed a contract with the Atlanta Hawks for U.S $119 million over 6 years.

Or, roughly $19.3 million per season.

Do you know how hard it is to play basketball with a cane and top hat?

That’s a lot of potato chips.

Forever yours whilst I realize Joe Johnson just earned more in the time it took me to type this post than I’ll see this entire year,



Titanic 2: The Icebergening*

July 29, 2010

Lets set the record straight:

Yes, this is a real movie.

No, I don’t think 20th Century Fox, James Cameron, Leo DiCaprio or Kate Winslet is involved in this one at all.

Yes, I’m sure this won’t gross more than a billion dollars.

Well… reasonably sure, anyways.


* Yeah, I would have loved to do ‘Titanic 2: Aquatic Boogaloo” too, but someone already beat me to it.

Alternate titles include:

‘Titanic 2: Revenge of the Sunken’

‘The Iceberg Strikes Back’

‘Titanic 2 & the Temple of Flume’

Any more suggestions?

Humphrey B Bear: Ass-Kicker

July 29, 2010

Little did they know that Humphrey knew Muay Thai

A Melbourne actor who played beloved children’s TV icon Humphrey B. Bear in the late 70’s and early 80’s, has been convicted for the assault of a primary school Assistant Principal this week.

John Maclean, 54, had been accused of assaulting Bill Manuel at Glen Huntly Primary School and yelling he was a “f—ing bully” as children and parents watched.

For the record, he was accusing Manuel of bullying his 10-year-old daughter. And obviously he wasn’t wearing the Humphrey costume at the time.

But it’s a fun visual.

My fave part of the story? That Maclean’s own defence lawyer felt the need to tell the court about his history playing Humphrey at all, as though it had some Bearing on the case.

Huh! See what I did there!

By doing this she effectively unmasked him in public, which apparently caused Maclean to hiss angrily “Don’t tell everyone that!”

See dude… this is why Bruce Wayne busts his nuts so hard to make sure people don’t find out he Batman.

I don’t even want to read the rest of the story, because it’s more fun now just to fantasize about the defence then calling up Fat Cat and Marty Monster as surprise character witnesses.

"Say something Cat, or I'm going to jail!"

Now if I can just find a story where Mr. Squiggle beats the shit out of some Principal in Essendon North, I can die a happy man.


Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive & Dodge: The Australian National Dodgeball Team

July 27, 2010

Best of luck to the Australian National Dodgeball Team, who are on their way to Las Vegas to compete in the 2010 World Dodgeball Championships.

Natural athletes, every one of 'em.

A bunch of unfit blokes in their 30’s, The Emus should serve as an inspiration to us all:

If you don’t achieve your goal to play representative sport for your country… well… find a loophole.

Team captain and Australian Dodgeball Association president Burt Sigsworth had been watching the movie ‘Dodgeball’ with some mates one night when it dawned on him to Google as to whether Australia even had a Dodgeball team.

Finding none in existence, Sigsworth and his pals quickly registered the ADA, formed The Emus, and picked themselves as our official national squad.

But are they taking the championships (set to take place next month) seriously?

You betcha – they get together once a week to watch the movie (accompanied by the odd beer I’m guessing), and to throw a ball at one another.

Sure, they may not be very fit. And probably not incredibly skilled. In fact, gauging from Frotop’s little video, they probably suck on a level previously unimaginable.

But this isn’t about results – it’s about national pride (I think). I’ll salute our brave boys in the green and gold. I’ll support their right to sing the dirty version of ‘Beneath the Southern Cross’ made famous by the Australian cricket team. And I’ll even shed a tear as they doff their baggy yellow caps which bear the True-Blue Australian team credo:

Carpe Pilas

Which roughly translated means, “Seize the Balls”.

Good luck, guys. Our balls are in your hands.


25-words-or-less movie review: ‘The A-Team’

July 27, 2010

A decent action-er, but nothing that really differentiates it from a dozen other Summer movies.

B.A Baracus – the least interesting A-Team member? Sigh.


Don’t blame me, I voted for Kodos

July 26, 2010

The Federal Election debate has been and gone, once again making a complete mockery of the phrase ‘televised event’. Whilst most polls taken in the immediate aftermath of the special indicated a Julia Gillard victory, perhaps a Nil-All draw was a far more accurate depiction of the results.

What did we learn over the course of an hour?

  • That Julia Gillard has droopy ear lobes. Really droopy. Cartoon character droopy.

    The red hair was a diversionary tactic all along...

  • And that Tony Abbott appears to have abandoned ‘No Big New Taxes’ as a catchphrase in favour of the far more appealing ‘Stop The Boats’. Incidentally he’s going with ‘Stop The Boats’ because ‘Fuck The Brown People’ could be interpreted as being racist… somehow? I know, ‘Crazy Liberals’, with their ‘Liberal Agendas’, and 100+ word vocabularies and such…


What’s becoming increasingly clear is how much the media wants YOU to believe that this election is some political variant of the radio competition ‘Battle of the Sexes’, and nothing more. Men like Tony Abbott cause he has a penis, Women like Julia Gillard because she don’t. And never the twain shall meet.

What better example is there than ’60 Minutes’ post-debate analysis, where our political pundits of choice were:

Laurie Oakes, one of Australia’s most respected and foremost political commentators, with more than 30 years of journalism experience.

And this woman…

Helen McCabe, editor of ‘Australian’s Women’s Weekly’ magazine.

Urgh. Now, I don’t have a problem with McCabe appearing – before becoming the woman responsible for cracking journalism like ‘Double-Dry Winter Hair‘, McCabe was actually a political journalist of significant clout.

It was just that Channel 9 never went to any effort to present her as such. Instead, much more emphasis was placed on her role at ‘Women’s Weekly’, which to me says they’re doing their best to convince Australia that she’s more qualified to speak on the debate results as a woman, than as someone who has been part of the Federal Parliamentary Press Gallery, who also hosted television programs like ‘Playing Politics’ on Sky News.

News Flash, peeps:

I don’t care what gender the candidates are. I don’t care which religion. I don’t care if they’re childless, purple martians with 8 dicks who are also devout atheists. I care for what they (claim) to stand for.

You’re not going to scare me off voting for a Julia Gillard because I’d be letting the brotherhood down, and because I might catch girl germs.

Sadly, as is so often the case, this election’s going to come down to who the people dislike least, plain and simple.

Ain’t democracy grand?


25-words-or-less movie review: ‘Inception’

July 25, 2010

Overheard from a fellow atypical Western Suburbanite as he left Hoyts:

“See, how come why… if he was dreamin, yeah… fuckin… Nah, that was shit!”

And my opinion?

Intense, focused, like no other big budget film you’ll see this year.

DiCaprio’s characters have seriously shitty relationships with women, huh?

Nolan = the new Spielberg.


Sympathy for the Devil: A BPM Poll

July 24, 2010

A quandary this weekend, people, and it’s up to you to put this question to bed for me.

Who’s managed to unwittingly create the more unlikely ‘hero’?

  • AFL team the Western Bulldogs, for eliciting a degree of public sympathy for Jason Akermanis after sacking him this week?

"Sure, maybe I did stab myself repeatedly in the back... but my team-mates should have warned me I was holding a knife!"


  • ‘Dance(r) With the Stars’ Tamara Jaber, for actually creating a degree of public sympathy for her (now) ex-husband ‘Vile’ Kyle Sandilands?

Ewww... uhh, Tamara, you've got something stuck to the front of your dress

If you’d asked me a few weeks ago I’d have thought neither was possible. Akermanis was (at best) a cult figure, beloved by a small portion of die-hard Bulldogs supporters desperate for their first AFL premiership in more than 50 years.

And Sandilands remains famous for being Australia’s most-hated radio personality / judge of reality-TV talent / sexual inquisitor of minor’s.

Tough call…

I wouldn’t worry too much about either man, though. There are few media figures better at destroying public sentiment towards them (and quickly) than both Jason and Kyle.

I’m interested in YOUR opinion… as is Tony Abbott, I’m sure.

Because not only is Julia Gillard a Western Bulldogs supporter who this week sided with her club for dumping Aker as it was in the party… sorry… team’s best interests, but also because it goes to show how the actions of a fiery red-headed woman can make even Kyle F’n Sandilands seem somehow relatable and more human.

Which would mean perhaps there’s hope yet for Big Tony before August 21st.

In the meantime until Laurie Oakes can find a way to link Julia Gillard and Tamara Jaber in a single sentence, continue visiting the Button Pushing Monkey for Australia’s finest political analysis.


Kryal Castle to become brothel, Sovereign Hill to become… burlesque house???

July 21, 2010

Discreet parking in rear

I don’t know what to think about news that a Melbourne businessman plans to bid on Ballarat childrens landmark / kinda sad theme park Kryal Castle, with the hope of converting it into a high class brothel.

Complete with a helicopter pad.

Now that’s classy.

Whilst multi-millionaire Andrew Hewinson doesn’t expect his bid to convert the castle into an adults-only playground will be successful, it’s at least worth a shot (shitty pun #1… try and keep count, kiddies).

On the one hand I remember visiting Kryal Castle as a 9 year old on a school excursion, trembling in anticipation as I crossed the metallic drawbridge, wondering what sights I might behold in this magical land that time forgot.

Why shouldn’t a plethora of single twenty-something’s get the chance to re-visit the park today, to tremble with anticipation once more… albeit anticipation of a different kind, sure, but knaves can’t be choosers.

Prepare to be sexily transported through time as you experience:

  • The (Porn)Dungeon of Doom…
  • The Rack (probably lotsa nice racks, come to think of it)…
  • Jousting (well, you can’t cater to only the hetero market)…

Fear my Purple Steed!

All this, in period costume to boot (did they even have Naughty French Maids in medieval times? Probably just in France)

Part of truly becoming an adult as the years go by is having to watch helplessly as pieces of your childhood wither and die, nostalgic sentiment be damned. Is it better to see your childhood disappear completely, or to watch it become some oddly seedy, eroticized monument to man’s carnal nature?

I guess I’m going to be one of those few people in Melbourne that’s going to find out.

From a distance, I mean.

Not personally. Or anything.

I promise!

Uhh... one adult, please...


How can we Aniston-ize this week’s cover?

July 21, 2010

Another day, another semi-nude photo shoot for Jennifer Aniston…

Impromptu photo shoot where Aniston manages to misplace shirt, but not underpants #374

It’s supposed to promote her new fragrance, ‘Lolavie’.

Because what we’re all thinking upon viewing this picture is “I wonder what she smells like???”

Well, that and how many more 40-something actresses we’ll have to endure SHOWING US HOW INCREDIBLE HER BODY IS FOR HER AGE™!!! Yeah, she looks good. That’s her JOB. Have you seen ‘The Bounty Hunter’? She’s probably not dedicating herself in her spare time to becoming a more skilled and multi-faceted actress.

Anyway… where was I?

So I first saw the image as part of a ‘news’ story online in The Daily Telegraph with the headline:


Throw in ‘OR HAVE A BABY’ and you have the perfect Aniston epitagh, as written by ‘New Idea‘ magazine.

Or Angelina Jolie.

Wow... and just like that I gots 200% more babies than you'll ever have, bee-yotch!

I wonder whether the rivalry between Jen and Angie we’re constantly reminded of ever had anything to do with Brad Pitt, at all. Probably not. There may not even be a rivalry for all we know.

In actual fact, it’s always really been about whose face, contorted in (supposedly) abject misery, will sell more weekly trashy women’s magazines.

You get Double Points for photo-shopping them back to back, it seems

Celebrity is now, and always will be, dictated by the media. Who they tell us is hot. Who they tell us is popular. Who they choose to promote, bury or burn. And the nature of each woman’s celebrity (within these magazines, at least) is pretty clearly defined:

  • Angelina is the catty temptress who’d steal your husband, your hopes, your dreams and at least half of the children available for adoption in third world countries, presumably to stew and consume so as to stay eternally youthful and sexy… the bitch…
  • Jennifer is the genetically blessed but born-under-a-bad-sign, strangely pitiable romantic fuck-up, who couldn’t find a willing and suitable gentleman if her life depended on it.

You. Can. Do. Better.

Stir these ingredients, add some Brad, and repeat ad nauseum for the best part of a decade.

A reminder, however:

Aniston is 41 years old. Her failed romantic entanglements and barren womb can’t sell copies forever. Who amongst the next wave of Hollywood starlets is prepared to step into the void and inherit the mantle of Weekly Celebrity Scorn/Pity Monkey???

Is it you, Anne Hathaway? Is it you, Megan Fox? Care to throw your hat in the ring, Taylor Swift?

The faces may change, but the stories… they always stay the same.

As for me? I’m off to go buy me a bottle of Lolavie and then I’ll cry for a while.

I’m sure Jennifer would approve.