How can we Aniston-ize this week’s cover?

Another day, another semi-nude photo shoot for Jennifer Aniston…

Impromptu photo shoot where Aniston manages to misplace shirt, but not underpants #374

It’s supposed to promote her new fragrance, ‘Lolavie’.

Because what we’re all thinking upon viewing this picture is “I wonder what she smells like???”

Well, that and how many more 40-something actresses we’ll have to endure SHOWING US HOW INCREDIBLE HER BODY IS FOR HER AGE™!!! Yeah, she looks good. That’s her JOB. Have you seen ‘The Bounty Hunter’? She’s probably not dedicating herself in her spare time to becoming a more skilled and multi-faceted actress.

Anyway… where was I?

So I first saw the image as part of a ‘news’ story online in The Daily Telegraph with the headline:

‘JA SO SO SEXY BUT CAN’T KEEP A MAN’.

Throw in ‘OR HAVE A BABY’ and you have the perfect Aniston epitagh, as written by ‘New Idea‘ magazine.

Or Angelina Jolie.

Wow... and just like that I gots 200% more babies than you'll ever have, bee-yotch!

I wonder whether the rivalry between Jen and Angie we’re constantly reminded of ever had anything to do with Brad Pitt, at all. Probably not. There may not even be a rivalry for all we know.

In actual fact, it’s always really been about whose face, contorted in (supposedly) abject misery, will sell more weekly trashy women’s magazines.

You get Double Points for photo-shopping them back to back, it seems

Celebrity is now, and always will be, dictated by the media. Who they tell us is hot. Who they tell us is popular. Who they choose to promote, bury or burn. And the nature of each woman’s celebrity (within these magazines, at least) is pretty clearly defined:

  • Angelina is the catty temptress who’d steal your husband, your hopes, your dreams and at least half of the children available for adoption in third world countries, presumably to stew and consume so as to stay eternally youthful and sexy… the bitch…
  • Jennifer is the genetically blessed but born-under-a-bad-sign, strangely pitiable romantic fuck-up, who couldn’t find a willing and suitable gentleman if her life depended on it.

You. Can. Do. Better.

Stir these ingredients, add some Brad, and repeat ad nauseum for the best part of a decade.

A reminder, however:

Aniston is 41 years old. Her failed romantic entanglements and barren womb can’t sell copies forever. Who amongst the next wave of Hollywood starlets is prepared to step into the void and inherit the mantle of Weekly Celebrity Scorn/Pity Monkey???

Is it you, Anne Hathaway? Is it you, Megan Fox? Care to throw your hat in the ring, Taylor Swift?

The faces may change, but the stories… they always stay the same.

As for me? I’m off to go buy me a bottle of Lolavie and then I’ll cry for a while.

I’m sure Jennifer would approve.

BPM

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One Response to “How can we Aniston-ize this week’s cover?”

  1. Delia Walck Says:

    Angelina Jolie is an inspiration for me. Like her we must do everything in the way we want. Angelina Jolie didn’t accept the offer to act as Bond girl because she wants to be the hero, and not the hero’s girl. But I think she’ll have made a great James bond girl.My favorite movie of her is Salt. You have to see it.

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