Archive for August, 2010

Frank Darabont + TV + Zombies = Oooooooooooohhhhhh!

August 31, 2010

Yeah, I’ll admit it – I’m a sucker for zombie films / books / cartoons / comic-books / humorous ‘how long would you survive’ quizzes.

So as you can guess, I was all over this upcoming TV show quicker than you can say ‘Romero’:

The director of ‘The Shawshank Redemption’… the producer of ‘Terminator’ & ‘Aliens’… awesome graphic novel source material… a Halloween premiere date…

As my man Vanilla would say, this is ‘Cool as Ice’.

How many other blogs did you read today that cited a Vanilla Ice movie, huh?

In fact it’s almost enough to make a guy put his OWN zombie TV pilot screenplay in a drawer forever.


Forever yours, as I realize zombies are the easiest characters to write because their motivation will ALWAYS begin and end with “Braaiiinnnnssssss”,



Someone find Paris Hilton some Juicy Fruit

August 30, 2010

The world’s most mentally deficient heiress continued to raise the stupidity bar this weekend.

Getting arrested for cocaine possession in Las Vegas is impressive, but her subsequent explanation to police officers, that she thought the coke in her purse was chewing gum


According to Nevada law, she could face up to 4 years in prison and a $5000 fine.

She could.

In theory, she could also behave like the rest of the humans, or cure cancer, or do something worthwhile with her life.

She could. But she wont.

In a world where Charlie Sheen gets a dirty look for nearly stabbing his wife, and where Lindsay Lohan’s various drug and alcohol offenses necessitate a prison term shorter than most head colds I’ve caught…

A penalty for cocaine possession, after also being charged for marijuana possession in South Africa AND Cannes in the past two months?

Don’t make me LOLZ!

Nevertheless, I thank thee, Paris Hilton.

Even though your very existence reminds us on a daily basis that the rich, famous and irredeemably stupid live very different lives, in a different world, with different rules…

At least now when we refer to you as a ‘Coke-Whore’, we can sleep easy knowing that legally we’re twice as correct as we were a week ago.


Pic of the Week: Kylie’s Teddy Bear Dick-nic

August 29, 2010

"I just can't get you off of my head..."

You gotta hand it to Kylie Minogue:

She’s always willing to reach-around… REACH OUT… I mean reach-out

To a… new… audience…


That’s not a tax bill… THIS is a tax bill!

August 29, 2010

I give you Australia's most profitable fictional character, no more

Been fun to watch the interplay between Paul Hogan and the ATO recently.

The Tax Office has reputedly settled on a number Hoges owes them for unclaimed earnings during the 80’s, and he’s forbidden to leave the country until he settles the debt.

A nice round number somewhere between $95 and $150 million dollars.


To be fair, the ATO has admitted that Hogan’s undeclared income was only about $37.6 million. The extra $112.4 million? Well, that’s just interest and penalties, of course.

I’ll say it again… Wow.

Hoges is either totally F’d in the B, or we best start preparing ourselves for a shit-ton more ‘Crocodile Dundee’ sequels.

‘Crocodile Dundee IV: A New Hope’?

I hope so.

For your sake, Mr. Hogan.


Coming Soon… ‘The Decaffeinated’

August 27, 2010

As I may have mentioned previously, I’m working in Elsternwick in Melbourne at the moment, right around the corner from the beautiful Astor Theatre.

Saw this on a chalkboard outside the cafe directly opposite the Astor this morning:

I’m all for movie tie-in’s… but doesn’t this piece of art strike you as more ‘Saw XIV’ than ‘Inception’???

Because when you see a loving rendering of the decapitated head of Leo DiCaprio, blood sluicing from his gaping neck into a coffee grinder… well, what normal person wouldn’t get thirsty?


The Holy Twible

August 25, 2010

I missed the piece of scripture where Jesus tweeted "Let there be Apps"

And by ‘Twi’ I mean Twitter, not Twilight. Though it’s hard to think which concept is worse.

Since the advent (see what I did there?) of Twitter, we’ve all heard the joke about the Bible being transposed into 140 character bites for the Twitter crowd.

Well, turns out it’s really really happening. Many times over, all round the world.

And there’s even a version using all that internet slang you love to hate.

For example, Genesis becomes:

“Day 1: Lighting system installed. BRB. Days 2-6: Some assembly required: sky, plants, cows, people. Left humans in charge, LOL. Day 7: Siesta.”

Because all the Bible really needed to be relevant in the 21st century was a slightly tweaked format. Right?


@pharaoh Let my people go! đŸ˜¦

About 1 hour ago

#lunch 3beansalad AGAIN!

About 4 hours ago

OMG best idea eva! Any1 know where I can get a zillion frogs?

About 16 hours ago


Tweet tweet tweet away folks – cos it’s now officially totally righteous.


25-words-or-less movie review: ‘Tango & Cash’

August 25, 2010

Mullets, gratuitous boobies and a cocaine bust in the opening ten minutes?

Now THAT’S a good cheesy 80’s action flick!


And Matthew raised his pimp-hand, and Bert wept

August 23, 2010

Don't make him have to choke a bitch - cos he'll do it

I tilt my hat o’irony to Matthew Newton, who’s managed to achieve the near impossible.

He is (or as it turns out, was) part of a television show that also included Kyle Sandilands, and yet he’s still capable of taking out the title as the ‘X-Factor’ uber-douche.


Yesterday his girlfriend Rachael Taylor had an AVO issued against him for at least 2 counts of unprovoked violence. This is just 4 years after ex-girlfriend Brooke Satchwell had him charged with assault in 2006, a charge he escaped with a 12-month good behaviour bond. Newton has been in and out of rehab for a while, and has reportedly been treated for various ‘psychiatric issues’ for a prolonged period.

Hmm… psychiatric issues… funny how we never seem to read about his psychiatric issues provoking fights with other men now, isn’t it?

Sadly, the Son of Bert may not even be this week’s premier douche-pickle.

So the wife gets 412 cosmetic surgery procedures, and you can't be bothered with a shave or a haircut?

The appropriately named Spencer Pratt, soon to be ex-husband of plastic fantastic Heidi Montag, is apparently spruiking a sex tape around Los Angeles featuring his former paramour. One of the key selling features? It contains footage of the love of his life mid-coitus… pre and post cosmetic-Frankensteinology!

Remember that this is just 16 months after their extravagant dream wedding in April 2009, and less than 4 months after officially separating.

Two fame whores… a boatload of silicon… a million tweets…

If they can’t make it work, what chance do the rest of us have?

He’s trying to sell the tape to Vivid, the same company that distributed sex-tapes of Kendra Wilkinson, Kim Kardashian and, more recently, the porn debut of Larry Fishburne’s daughter Montana.

But really, who wants to watch a sex tape where the dude probably spends more time filming himself than the lady celeb he’s bumping naughties with?

Two special dudes. I hereby christen the BPM ‘Douche of the Week’ award…


Give it time… we’re gonna be bigger than the Logies.


Tomorrow When the Wolverines Began

August 23, 2010

An open question regarding the upcoming movie adaptation of much-loved Australian YA novel, ‘Tomorrow When the War Began’:

I can’t claim to be terribly informed here. I actually haven’t read the book myself. And whilst I’m generally a fan of Stuart Beattie’s writing, I feel he can be a tad patchy (‘G.I Joe’, anybody???).

But having seen the trailer again this weekend…

Isn’t this just a lame updated version of ‘Red Dawn’, minus a hot young Lea Thompson, and no Harry Dean Stanton yelling one of the most awesomely ludicrous lines of dialogue in 80’s Action cinema?

It’s doubly weird when you consider the fact Hollywood is releasing their own remake of ‘Red Dawn’ in late 2010, complete with overseas-based Australian cast members like Chris Hemsworth and Isabel Lucas, as well as the progeny of some dude named Tom Cruise.

There’s your difference between Australian and American genre filmmaking in a nutshell:

  • The Australian film has what is considered to be a monstrous budget in this country, $20 million, and stars the son of 80’s Rugby League star Wally Lewis.
  • The American film has a conservative budget of just $75 million, and stars the son of one of the biggest box office draws of all time.

Part of me wishes you well, ‘Tomorrow’ crew.

But how do you compete with the ghosts of Patrick Swayze, Charlie Sheen and that dude that was Ponyboy in ‘The Outsiders’ screaming “WOLVERINES!!!” whilst shaking automatic weapons in the air?

Nope. I don’t know either.


Sauce, Onion & Salmonella costs extra

August 18, 2010

"Ok, he's out. Quick, take a picture of his balls!"

I’m signing off for a few days folks, I’m going to be spending some time summering at my favourite holiday hot spot – St Vincents Public Hospital in Melbourne.

Which, in all honesty, actually comes as quite a relief. My health ain’t been so good recently, and at least it gets me out of this production office for a while.

As much of the focus is going to be on my stomach and digestive system, I’ve already had to begin fasting before getting my general anaesthetic first thing tomorrow morning. I don’t mind that too much either… it’s probably the best quality sleep I get. Michael Jackson was right, about that at least.

I can assure you however… you’ll never fully realize just how many McDonalds, Hungry Jacks, KFC and Dominos commercials are on television until you haven’t eaten for 18 hours.

And to make matters worse, someone at St Vincents came up with the genius idea of sporadically running fundraiser sausage sizzles in the hospital courtyard…

The courtyard that sits one floor directly below the day procedure unit…

The unit full of poor starving schlubs like me who, after 24 hours, would probably stab a bitch just for a single bite from a sausage lovingly encased in white bread.

It's much like this, but with less lumber, paint and potting mix

Strange how just the scent alone emerging from a BBQ can make you crave that mixture of sausage mince, lips and assholes scant hours after being probed, touched-up and filmed by Dr. Colon (I prefer not to be on a first name basis with the medical professionals who spend an awfully large amount of time treating me like a human sock-puppet).

I’m sure I’ll be back on my feet in no time, skewering pop culture icons and writing lame hate-screeds about the Lohan’s, Tequila’s and Montag’s of the world.

Until then, be excellent to each other.

And have a wiener for me.