Shit that I hate – those CGU commercials

On the off-chance anyone who works in commercial marketing reads this, an open plea:


For the love of God.

Can we finally put to rest that ‘hilarious’ commercial trope of people busting rhymes even though they’re not young, urban or black?

Or, as I like to call it, ‘Rapping Grandma Cliche’.

Word to yo Granmutha

It’s been around since the very whitest of people first became aware of rap, sometime in the mid-80’s. And ever since we’ve had to sit through who knows how many ads featuring white folk throwing up gangsta hand signals and spouting drivel like “Break-break-break-break it down”?

The most prominent offender on Australian screens?

CGU, who’ve pushed their business insurance policies thus far with a freestylin’ Alpaca Farmer…

You just know his name is something like 'Clem'

A smoooooth Delicatessen Owner…

Come join her Toorak Posse

And now this:


Are our white cracker overlord’s so jealous that the black community took back the N-word, that their only retaliatory gesture was to try to destroy rap music for everybody?!? Do they legitimately think this shit is humorous? Does some mysterious research show that the middle class respond favorably to urban music, so long as it’s goofy, inane and completely non-threatening?

"What? You sayin 'Boom Shake the Room' weren't edgy?!?! Damn!"

I’ll concede that whether or not the white man is appropriating black music (again) is not my field of expertise. It’s a subject for a smarter and far more learned member of academia than I.

So let’s just stick to just breaking down these CGU ad’s specifically for a moment:

So Rocco and Rosa own a cafe, something they’re fucking thrilled about. They rap about their business to other intimidated white people, who appear to just want to get their latte and escape from these freaks asap. Rosa is all up in your face and shit – because if you’re this lame and you insist on rapping in a national commercial, you HAVE to do it with OTT enthusiasm. Which comes across as just scary as H-E-Double Hockeysticks on film.

If it were a one-off, an aberration, you’d try to just forget it, like a bad dream. Barrista… chasing me… make some noizzzAHH!

Unfortunately, as we’ve previously established, CGU keep pumping out these commercials, one after another, presumably for that golden target audience who chortle to themselves “They’re Italian… they’re old… and they’re making the rap like young people! Com-e-dy!” So what you’re saying is that anyone older than 30 is easily amused by this faux-cool shit sandwich? No? Who the fuck is this ad even for? I can’t speak for everyone in my generation (though I often try to), but my first and only instinct when I hear this shitty beat drop is to reach for the remote.

Does the generation preceding mine, those who may actually own a business that needs insuring, respond to the ad? Doubtful. By the time Rosa finishes dropping all of her lyrical bombs, can you remember a tenth of what she said or what she was promoting? CGU makes coffee??? Wha???

Is THAT something CGU even realizes they’re implying here? That Rocco and Rosa are so fucking bedazzled by their kickass insurance that they fail to realize that they’re driving away repeat business. Word of mouth, being just a little bit important to start-up small businesses, is going to kill this coffee shop dead. Is this why they need the business insurance in the first place?

Perhaps it’s enough if the company jingle sticks in your head – if you remember nothing but “We put the U in CGU”, then it’s done it’s job. But, personally, only a shrill, badly accented “Make some noise!” reverberates with me seconds after the commercial’s finished.

It’s a failure from woe to go, in my opinion. The whole shitty rapping is just lazy – its the pie-in-the-face of contemporary advertising, a bad gag that has definitely run it’s course.

The only thing we can be thankful about is that at least it’s not a low-budget commercial with terrible white rhymes.

Whilst simultaneously mourning the fact that Rocco and Rosa’s coffee shop… it ain’t cheap to make that kinda God-awful shite.

And these terrible commercials ain’t stopping any time soon…

So join me, hypothetical business owners, in a hypothetical boycott of CGU and their services. It’s time someone made a hypothetical stand, and left the rap to those few traditional flag-bearers of urban music that truly know what they’re doing.

Like Kid Rock, Snow, Eminem, Justin Timberlake…


Ohhhhhhhhh… sorry.



Just kidding, I promise.

Make some noise?



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2 Responses to “Shit that I hate – those CGU commercials”

  1. Benjamin the Donkey Says:

    A statement on behalf of CGU:

    You may hate CGU
    But that’s coz you wanna be an O.G. too

    Our ads be real, our ads da bomb
    We reach our peeps with aplomb

    Our sales up fiddy percent
    With figures like that we represent

    So rest ya hate and pump da love
    We fit with your business like a glove


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