Death by Penile Knot-Tying… how do I put a sheet bend in this???


Penis and Tree not pictured


An inquest this week has heard that 44-year-old British man Kevin Kirkland’s official C.O.D has been determined as hypothermia and blood loss, after the court heard he tied his penis to a tree only to become trapped for several hours in wintry conditions with no clothes on.

Initial thought: Knot a good idea… wokka wokka wokka…

Second thought: Even David Carradine is giggling at this dude in the afterlife.

Third and most disturbing thought: What kind of junk are you packing if you can tie it around a tree!?!

No one's talking to you, Dirk!

Upon further reading we discover that Mr. Kirkland didn’t actually physically tie his penis to the tree – instead he used some rope to create a makeshift pair of handcuffs and uhh… dickcuffs?

Which should be a reassuring thought, as compared to the aforementioned ‘dick tied directly to tree’ theory. Right?

Well, if you’ve ever had a rope burn before, cast your mind back…

Now imagine that pain, all up in your bidness.

Hours after becoming stuck, Kirkland was found by two people out for a walk, still alive, bound to the tree and covered in dried blood. After calling the police and paramedics, one of them covered Kirkland with his coat.

You know… “to give him some dignity“.

A nice gesture.

But when it comes to dignity… if you find a bondage freak buck-naked in public, in the midst of some kind of Dendrophiliac festish-act gone wrong…

That horse may have already sailed.

Apologies. What I meant to say was that your boat may already have bolted



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4 Responses to “Death by Penile Knot-Tying… how do I put a sheet bend in this???”

  1. Benjamin the Donkey Says:

    I’ve heard of “tree huggers” but this takes the cake. I’m mean, sure, there have been times when I have walked through a park and found myself looking at a Red Gum, it’s leaves swaying in the wind and it’s thick trunk steadfastly holding its ground, and I think to myself that I could have me a piece of that … but I show restraint!

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