And Matthew raised his pimp-hand, and Bert wept

Don't make him have to choke a bitch - cos he'll do it

I tilt my hat o’irony to Matthew Newton, who’s managed to achieve the near impossible.

He is (or as it turns out, was) part of a television show that also included Kyle Sandilands, and yet he’s still capable of taking out the title as the ‘X-Factor’ uber-douche.

Bra-vo.

Yesterday his girlfriend Rachael Taylor had an AVO issued against him for at least 2 counts of unprovoked violence. This is just 4 years after ex-girlfriend Brooke Satchwell had him charged with assault in 2006, a charge he escaped with a 12-month good behaviour bond. Newton has been in and out of rehab for a while, and has reportedly been treated for various ‘psychiatric issues’ for a prolonged period.

Hmm… psychiatric issues… funny how we never seem to read about his psychiatric issues provoking fights with other men now, isn’t it?

Sadly, the Son of Bert may not even be this week’s premier douche-pickle.

So the wife gets 412 cosmetic surgery procedures, and you can't be bothered with a shave or a haircut?

The appropriately named Spencer Pratt, soon to be ex-husband of plastic fantastic Heidi Montag, is apparently spruiking a sex tape around Los Angeles featuring his former paramour. One of the key selling features? It contains footage of the love of his life mid-coitus… pre and post cosmetic-Frankensteinology!

Remember that this is just 16 months after their extravagant dream wedding in April 2009, and less than 4 months after officially separating.

Two fame whores… a boatload of silicon… a million tweets…

If they can’t make it work, what chance do the rest of us have?

He’s trying to sell the tape to Vivid, the same company that distributed sex-tapes of Kendra Wilkinson, Kim Kardashian and, more recently, the porn debut of Larry Fishburne’s daughter Montana.

But really, who wants to watch a sex tape where the dude probably spends more time filming himself than the lady celeb he’s bumping naughties with?

Two special dudes. I hereby christen the BPM ‘Douche of the Week’ award…

THE SPENCER-NEWTON’S

Give it time… we’re gonna be bigger than the Logies.

BPM

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