Archive for September, 2010

Around the World in 80 Films

September 15, 2010

So The Wife and I are just days away from a prolonged and well deserved trip overseas, and we’ve quickly learned two rather valuable lessons:

  1. Much like deciding whether or not to have your first child (or so I’ve heard), when it comes to traveling there is no such thing as being fully prepared, and…
  2. For the virgin traveler it’s legitimately scary just how much our opinions and mental images of foreign locations are formed through the prism of pop culture.

Our first stopover: Egypt. Is it really to my benefit to form any preconceived notions about their mythology, values or culture based purely on a popcorn flick like ‘The Mummy’? Because, sadly, I’m guilty of this.

Soooo... should I bring my own gun? Is that cool?

Then on to Rome… a ‘Roman Holiday’? Are scooters mandatory? How do I do that ‘hand bitten off by Mouth of Truth’ bit without The Wife pummeling me?

Proof positive that Gregory Peck and Audrey Hepburn can make absolutely anything look cool

And Paris? We’re definitely visiting the Louvre, excessive lining-up be damned. But what’s the first thing we want to see when we get there?

For the record, Audrey Tautou is the second thing I want to see in France

On to the U.K, and picturesque London town. But I can’t imagine driving to go see Stonehenge without doing my worst Spinal Tap impression. And as for visiting the lovely villages dotted about the English countryside… are you kidding?!? I’ve seen shows like ‘A Touch of Frost’ and ‘Inspector Lewis’ on the ABC – those little towns are deadlier than a Tehran afternoon.

'E was murdered behind that hedgerow, right?

Once we arrive in New York, one of our besties has insisted that we have afternoon tea / brunch at the world famous Plaza Hotel. Why? Well, because she’d seen it in films and TV shows like ‘Sleepless in Seattle’, ‘Sex & the City’, ‘Bride Wars’ and ‘Gossip Girls’.

And 'Home Alone II: Lost in New York', don't forget that!

I swear to God that The Wife and I have even seriously debated the pros and cons of public transport in Los Angeles, all because we re-watched ‘Speed’ about 2 months ago.

The sole reason we're renting a car whilst in L.A

It’s made me realize that for years I’ve shrugged off “ignorant American’s”, and their simplistic, ‘Crocodile Dundee’ take on Australia.

“Throw another shrimp on the barbie” – I’ve never barbecued shrimp. And I don’t speak in a quasi-Cockney accent…

“Have a Fosters” – I’m 30, and I can honestly say I’ve never even tasted Fosters beer…

“A Dingo took my baby” – Lindy Chamberlain conjures up one imaginary feral Dog, and we’re saddled with Meryl Streep’s worst acting performance ever…

And yet here’s me coming up with pop culture connections a gajillion times worse.

So I’m going to take this opportunity to say:

I apologize, America. Many of your citizens probably are ignorant, but no more ignorant than I.

You know, objectively this should be a fascinating exploration of one sheltered mind’s exposure to a much larger world.

But with that being said, I will be taking a bunch of movies and TV shows to watch on my laptop while I’m away…

Because as awesome as Honolulu promises to be, could it ever be any better than ’50 First Dates’???

Right?

Huh?

What?

What did I say…

BPM

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Calvin & Hobbes join the Legion of Doom

September 14, 2010

Yes, posting this is like the final nail in my geeky coffin, but whatev’s…

DC Comics’ Brian Azzarello and Lee Bermejo recently included this beautiful ‘Calvin and Hobbes’ tribute in the 75th issue of ‘Superman/Batman’.

It’s simply entitled ‘Joker and Lex’:

Click to enlarge

Beautiful.

And that Calvin-face in the final panel is so friggin genius it’s ridiculous.

Kudos, gentlemen.

BPM

You Just Got Swift’d!

September 13, 2010

I call this song 'Fuck y'all, Beyonce can't play the guitar'...

One year after Kanye-Gate, and Taylor Swift has made a ‘statement’ of sorts by performing her revenge / forgiveness song ‘Innocent’ at this year’s MTV Video Music Awards.

Consider it your official confirmation that Taylor Swift’s REAL musical genius is being able to make any (and every) kind of flaw in the human condition sound like a 16-year-old girl’s diary entry about the boy who doesn’t notice her in school.

Yes, it’s bland, oftentimes off-key and about 11 months too late, but maybe this is just the cathartic moment Taylor needs to move on with her life.

Good for her.

With that being said…

Beyonce’s ‘Irreplaceable’ is one of the GREATEST REVENGE SONGS OF ALL TIME, YO!

Sorry, but I’m only human.

BPM

… And That Crystal Meth Belongs To My Dog

September 13, 2010

Forget Steve Spielberg, Marty Scorcese and Jim Cameron…

THIS dude:

Keith Griffin, 49, of Florida. Cat not pictured

Is a KING amongst storytellers.

Keith Griffin, a lonely, lonely 49-year-old American man was this week sentenced to 12 years in prison for downloading copious amounts of child pornography.

Nothing funny about that, right?

Right.

Until you hear Griffin’s excuse —

That it was his CAT that downloaded the porn on his computer while he was out of the house.

Uh. Huh.

Now, unless he’s living with that randy cat from Paula Abdul’s ‘Opposites Attract’ music video, I think it’s safe to remain somewhat skeptical.

Almost 20 years on, and it's still a creepy visual

Babe it seems we never ever agree,

About your passion for child por-nog-raphy…

Have fun in the slammer, Mr. Griffin. Maybe we can look forward to a follow-up story about you being beaten to a bloody pulp in the showers, only for your fellow prisoners to claim THEY didn’t do it… it was just another magical cat-related mishap.

BPM

Good Evening Godless Sodomites

September 9, 2010

Unquestionably the highlight of the most recent Emmy Awards:

In the future, wouldn’t it be nice if awards shows ONLY featured Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Neil Patrick Harris & Betty White?

Well, we can dream, can’t we…

BPM

Flashy Fev

September 8, 2010

Ahhh, self-destructive tendencies…

Thy name is Brendan.

To be fair though, this is still in ‘alleged’ territory.

And even if the allegations prove to be true, Fev isn’t really 100% at fault here.

He probably just missed the AFL sponsored “Why You Shouldn’t Flop Your Dick Out At A Mother Of Four For No Particularly Good Reason” seminar.

Right?

BPM

Scott Pilgrim vs The Matrix

September 7, 2010

Yeah, it’s come to this… a Youtube mashup…

Still, you gotta admit – that clip is still more entertaining than either Matrix sequel.

BPM

Run (Snort) & Swim: The Ben Cousins Biathlon

September 6, 2010

Cousins shakes the pesky tag of Constables Molloy, Nastoulis and Hewitt...

Think you’re in good shape?

Sure, maybe you can run a good time around the Tan. Maybe you still play competitive sport of a weekend. Or perhaps you power through the odd Spin or Zumba class at the gym.

But are you ready for the Ben Cousins Biathlon?

A Facebook group has been created to commemorate Ben’s infamous escape from the police on foot in Perth on February 12th 2006. The route looks a little something like THIS:

The West Coast Eagles ran really elaborate time trials at training...

Legend has it that Cousins saw a booze bus on the Canning Highway, so he abandoned his then girlfriend in the car and ran like hell for several kilometres across hilly terrain (outsprinting a gaggle of police officers) before reaching the Canning River.

Ben then jumped in the water and swam almost halfway to the opposite riverbank before realizing he’d probably drown if he tried to complete the entire crossing. So he turned back, swam for shore, and proceeded to run shirtless and barefoot along the coast until reaching a restaurant where he demanded a glass of water and to use the phone. He finished by denying that he was actually Ben Cousins to staff and patrons, and was instead “Ben Cousins’ twin brother”.

Oh, and he wasn’t drunk or high at the time… just fleeing to “avoid the media madness“.

Pinky-swear!

The Facebook group organiser Damon Bull has set up the mini-marathon to be run on February 12th 2011, so as to coincide with the 5 year anniversary of Ben’s booze bus bolt. Thus far it has attracted over 4600 promised attendees.

Hmm.

Rumours the biathlon will wrap up with a Ben Cousins Meal Deal for all competitors (no food, just Coke and Ice) remain unfounded.

BPM

Stephanie Rice withdraws from Commonwealth Games due to foot (in mouth) injury

September 5, 2010

Rice with a gold medal she won in 2008 for the 400 Metres Being Totally Heterosexual

“Glamour girl” and “Queen of the pool” Stephanie Rice may think twice about her Twitter habits after an unfortunate incident this Saturday night.

Moments after Australia’s thrilling defeat of South Africa in a Rugby Union international, an adrenalized Rice must have been looking for the exact way to express her joy, the jubilation, her nationalistic pride.

And what better way than to tweet:

“Suck on that faggots!”

Ouch.

Any chance we may have misinterpreted what… she… umm… never mind.

She's OK with lesbians though

On behalf of said “faggots”, gay ex-rugby star Ian Roberts has been quick to condemn Rice’s ridiculous comments, telling News Ltd “She is an idiot … and anyone who continues to endorse her as an athlete is an idiot as well”.

A good point well made.

But facts are facts:

Stephanie Rice could make a series of public statements so homophobic that they’d offend Fred Phelps, if she was that way inclined. But so long as she wins at least one gold medal in London in 2012, she’ll be offered all the breakfast cereal endorsements you could shake a swimming cap and pair of goggles at.

Except for Rice Bubbles, obviously.

Cause I don’t know what you think… but that Snap and Crackle… they always DID seem a little swishy, huh.

BPM

‘The Expendables’ brings out the big guns

September 3, 2010

With a cast chock-full of action movie icons, there has been some debate as to who the star of ‘The Expendables’ truly is.

Is it Sly, with his artificial 60-year-old body, and even more artificial face?

Is it Jason Statham, anointed in an ass kicking changing-of-the-guard?

Is it Jet Li, the no longer quite so svelte martial arts hero?

Or is it any one of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Mickey Rourke, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture, Terry Crews or Stone Cold Steve Austin?

The answer to these questions? A resounding no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no and no.

Meet the real star of ‘The Expendables’:

The AA-12 Shotgun

As wielded by Terry Crews’ character Hale Caesar, the AA-12 elicits a far bigger response than Stallone, Arnie or Bruce could ever hope to receive at this stage of their respective careers. Proving the old action flick adage that absolutely anything can be combustible and/or flammable, it’s good old-fashioned Gun-Porn at its absolute finest.

As for the rest of the flick?

Surprisingly underwhelming. Stallone does his best to pack the script with 80’s action cliches… there’s homo-erotic bromance, terrible dialogue, there’s an evil South American General, a sexy female resistance leader, there’s the least effectual militia in film history, there’s mention of cocaine smuggling, and of course there are explosions aplenty. All it lacks is a few gratuitous boobies and ‘The Expendables’ would have, in theory, ticked all the necessary boxes.

And yet as a popcorn, OTT, ultra-violent superman movie experience, it’s lacking something.

What that something is is incredibly hard to put your finger on. I can’t speak for everybody, but I don’t go into ‘The Expendables’ with massive expectations for story, plot, character development, logic or any kind of thematic resonance.

At all.

What I do want is fun.

Mindless, brain-at-the-door, ain’t this cool fun.

And for all it’s explosions, and knife fights, and heavily tattooed superheroes, much like ‘Predators’ a few months back, ‘The Expendables’ is never truly as fun as you hoped it was going to be.

Which is a damn shame. And something I hope Stallone addresses in his inevitable sequel in 18 months time.

But until then, take a good look people:

Because I wouldn’t be at all surprised if the AA-12 becomes the ‘Matrix Bullet-Time’ of the 2000-teens.

Boom.

BPM