Archive for December, 2010

Usher vs Homer Simpson

December 30, 2010

That’s right…

Someone actually wants you to believe that Usher plagiarized Homer Simpson for his song ‘OMG’.

Don’t believe me? Here’s the ‘proof’:

I’ll let you know as soon as I hear about Jason Derulo being accused of sampling ‘Who Needs a Quik-e-Mart?’, or when someone finally figures out that Snoop Dogg has been lifting snatches of lyrics from ‘Do the Bartman’ for 20 years.

OMG,

BPM

My Spider-sense is busted

December 22, 2010

Is he strong?

Listen bud,

He’s got radioactive blood

Can he swing from a thread

Take a look over… umm…

Hey there

Are you OK Spiderman?

Wow… still probably not as painful as sitting through an amateur stage production of ‘Hairspray’ though.

All kidding aside, here’s hoping fallen Spidey Chris Tiernan is OK, and that Julie Taymor finally takes a friggin hint and cuts the wire-work from the world’s most dangerous piece of musical theatre.

BPM

Your WordPress stats in a nutshell…

December 21, 2010

So I’m a little taken aback when I log on to BPM this morning and see…

Most Active (the past day)

Nick Riewoldt’s penis goes viral 2,427 views

Yay for me! Much like a St. Kilda footballer (allegedly), I’ve touched thousands of people in the last 24 hou… wait… hang on…

Top search words that led people to Button Pushing Monkey:

nick riewoldt penis, nick riewoldt cock, nick riewoldt facebook photo, nick riewoldt naked photo, nick riewoldt

Aww crap!

Just to clarify for those who are willing to / are capable of reading this far…

This blog contains no pictures of Nick Riewoldt, or any other AFL footballer’s genitals.

There’s a disclaimer I never imagined writing…

From now on all language will be toned down on this blog, and I’ll be posting photos of kitties and puppies only.

No sex scandal here... at least I hope not

Mind you… 2,427 hits… that’s a LOT of people hoping for a peek at St. Nick’s junk.

Either women are wayyyyyyy more active in the googling of lewd photography than I had previously thought, or else St. Kilda has a an untapped supporter demographic just begging to be taken advantage of.

It’s just a pity an AFL ‘Men for All Seasons’ calendar shot entirely on camera phone’s in hotel rooms, bars and public bathrooms can’t be in stores before Xmas. AFL merchandising could’ve made a mint…

BPM

Nick Riewoldt’s penis goes viral

December 20, 2010

Pictured: Nick Riewoldt, Footy Shorts

Ewww… feel like you’re gonna catch something nasty just touching your keyboard now, huh.

The St. Kilda football club has gone into “damage control” after naked photos of 1… sorry, 2…

3?

14?

126 footballers were posted on a teenage girl’s Facebook page yesterday.

The AFL stars already identified (they record metrics for everything at AFL draft camps these days…) include Saints captain Nick Riewoldt, Nick Dal Santo and Zac Dawson.

Rumour has it that the teenage girl is posting the photos out of revenge, and that she has over a dozen more candid snaps waiting to be ‘exposed’.

The AFL is worried. St. Kilda is worried. Hell, at the rate they’re going Darrel Baldock might show up on this girl’s camera-phone with his ruck-rover hanging out, and he retired in 1968!

"Alright chaps, when the lady says smile we all pull out our todgers and shake them for the camera simultaneously... splendid!"

Bear in mind however that this is the same girl who accused a St. Kilda player last year of potentially being the father of her unborn child. And that, at 17, she’s admittedly slept with more than a few AFL footballers. Oh, and she had sex with one of the police officers investigating her paternity claim, and he’s since been stood down from the police force.

BUT she claims she didn’t have sex with Riewoldt, Dawson or Dal Santo. They just asked her to take a photo of their gear, then delete them.

She didn’t delete them.

St. Kilda are currently doing their best to minimize damage to their club brand, explore legal channels, hold press conferences, protect their player’s rights, and —

Maybe they should tell their players not to have sex with, or flash their genitals at 17-year-old girls?

Now, now, lets not be hasty.

Because if being an AFL footballer means you no longer get to have random sex with stupid underage girls, then who’d want to even play the game anymore???

BPM

News flash: Jess Hart is out of your league

December 20, 2010

So many conflicting feelings…

Australian Victoria’s Secret model Jess Hart has apparently come out and offered a single word of advice to all the ordinary dudes even thinking about approaching her ass in da club:

“Don’t”.

“If you see me or another model in a bar, wait until you are spoken to before you speak”.

Hmmm…

On the one hand, good for her for not playing the ridiculous “I’m just looking for an average, normal kind of guy with a nice smile and a sense of humour” card.

Or the even more ludicrous “All I want is a chubby, hairy man who likes watching TV and drinking beer” (yes, I’m looking at you, KeSha).

However.

As an ugly dude myself, and on behalf of ugly men everywhere, let me be the first to say you ain’t so special, Jess Hart. I’m not sure you’re even the most attractive woman in your own family (try googling Ashley Hart sometime).

I hope you wind up in an unfulfilling sexting relationship with Shane Warne, and that karma punches you in the mouth (cosmically, mind you) so hard that it fucks up your tee–

Oh.

Too late.

BPM

JACK-MAN!

December 17, 2010

Because the only thing funnier than Hugh Jackman zip-lining directly into a wall at Oprah’s gig in Sydney…

… is Hugh Jackman joy-riding anything and everything the Internet can conceive of.

Click here for Hugh Jackman’s Meme Joyride!

BPM

2010: A Year in American Cinema

December 15, 2010

Pretty goddamn impressive edit…

Enjoy,

BPM

Give me a keg of… diet soda? The Sad Story of MTV’s ‘Teen Wolf’

December 13, 2010

Where's Styles? Where's the basketball? Where's Boof?!?!?!

Remakes… what are we gonna do with em?

There hath been great outrage in Sunnydale recently over the planned re-imagining of ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’. Nerds and Nerdette’s alike (myself included) are saddened that a BtVS 2.0 movie is proposing to:

a) Feature exactly zero cast members from the beloved TV series, and

b) Have zero involvement whatsoever from Sci Fi demi-God and series creator, Joss Whedon.

And by ‘saddened’, what I mean is that they’re bitching incessantly on the internet about it.

For his part Whedon was quick to expressly state his disappointment with the decision to bastardise his best-known creation, but also managed to be clever about it and still poke fun at the movie industry whilst doing so.

“I always hoped that BUFFY would live on even after my death. But, you know, AFTER. I don’t love the idea of my creation in other hands, but I’m also well aware that many more hands than mine went into making that show what it was. And there is no legal grounds for doing anything other than sighing audibly. I can’t wish people who are passionate about my little myth ill. I can, however, take this time to announce that I’m making a BATMAN movie. Because there’s a franchise that truly needs updating. So look for THE DARK KNIGHT RISES WAY EARLIER THAN THAT OTHER ONE AND ALSO MORE CHEAPLY AND IN TORONTO, rebooting into a theater near you. Leave me to my pain!”

Whedon, Joss - Makes awesome TV shows. Invented sarcasm.

Sad. But not entirely unexpected. And at least ‘Buffy’ has a legion of devotees to kick up a stink about this whole shemozzle.

What about ‘Teen Wolf’???

For those of you who were unaware, that kinda beloved Michael J. Fox vehicle from our youth is the latest property to be completely updated, re-modeled, re-booted and re-tarded before being re-leased back into television land, courtesy of MTV.

See if you can get through THIS:

Where to begin…

As a rule, when it comes to Hollywood remakes, and the remakes of remakes, and the re-interpretations, and the re-imaginings… I don’t care. Remake whatever you want. Remake every movie ever made.

Thankfully when Gus Van Sant chose to make the new(ish) version of ‘Psycho’, my copy of Hitchcock’s film didn’t spontaneously combust or disappear. Chris Nolan’s ‘Dark Knight’ doesn’t automatically wipe my long-term memory clean of Burton’s ‘Batman’ (But… what if it did? In a dream? Where I was half awake? And I could remember what someone else forgot about the movie… yeah… hang on, I’m writing this down to send to Chris for his next script…)

So yeah… remake the shit outta your back catalogue, Hollywood.

But…

But.

Don’t remake something like ‘Teen Wolf’, which was a goofy little movie about high school, and growing up, and puberty, and being different, and how to surf on top of panel van’s, and then change every single aspect of the original story and the characters just so you can release another caffeine-free ‘Twilight’ rip off.

Call this shitty series that ain’t gonna last a single season ‘Moonlight’. Or ‘Taylor Lautner’s Six-Pack’. Or ‘Hungry Like The Wolf’.

Because this incarnation of ‘Teen Wolf’ has exactly as much in common with the original film as it does with the Duran Duran song.

Rant over.

If we don’t take a stand now guys, 2012 rolls along and we get the version of Bizarro-Buffy where she’s actually a sullen, boring, self-obsessed white girl. Who doesn’t slay vampires.

And Angel is now a glittery tween idol who watches her sleep in between playing games of thunderstorm baseball for no reason at all.

And Oz is no longer a peripheral character, but is instead a hunky, often shirtless underwear model much like Angel, only slightly more ethnicized.

And there is no Giles to act extremely British whilst polishing his reading glasses over and over!

2012… hmm… maybe the Mayan’s were right after all…

BPM

Breasts, Katy Perry coming to The Simpsons

December 8, 2010

Fans should be aware that on her next concert tour Katy will now actually be the opening warm-up act for her own boobs

Katy Perry really ain’t gonna let that infamous Sesame Street Slight of her bosoms slide, is she?

News out of the States is that she’s now going to be appearing in a live-action segment for ‘The Simpsons‘.

As herself.

Surrounded by… puppets?

If you guessed she’d be wearing an outfit primarily constructed of PVC, then take a bow.

What do you get the woman who has everything for Xmas? How's about an outfit made of... I dunno... cotton perhaps?

Question # 1: Puppets…? On ‘The Simpsons’? Really?

Question # 2: You’re gonna break precedent and do live-action… for Katy Perry?

Question # 3: Someone decided the way to top the controversial Banksy opening credit sequence in this season was to throw a couple of Moe / cunnilingus gags into a Xmas special?

Yes, they actually did that.

Kudos to Al Jean for sullying what ‘The Simpsons’ means to people in an entirely new, hip, fresh way.

And also to Katy… because going along with the ‘Moe puppet is eating me out’ joke is the first time in recent memory that she’s chosen to take ALL of the focus off her magical cleavage.

Sure it’s by focusing on her vagina instead, and not her music or anything…

 

Those are two magical little guys...

But it’s a start.

 

Baby steps, people. Baby steps…

BPM

Schadenfreude at its absolute finest

December 5, 2010

 

It's at perhaps THIS point that I'd be re-assessing my decision to play Evil Knievel with my Papa and his Audi

Who else is a complete sucker for a game show gone horribly wrong? So much the better if it’s from a non-English speaking country… thank you, Germany.

‘Wetten dass’ has been one of the most popular German television programs for almost 3 decades (apparently). But, even after 30 years on the air, no one thought it might not be an incredibly smart idea to attempt this stunt:

Impromptu human crash test dummy Samuel Koch’s condition was initially considered life threatening, and he has since undergone multiple surgeries for injuries sustained trying to jump over a moving car being driven by his father.

I’ll say it again…

Trying to jump over a moving car being driven by his father.

Two words, people – Natural. Selection.

And as a result of this accident Justin Bieber’s planned appearance on this same show had to be cancelled at the last-minute.

Am I the only one struggling to find a downside to this horrible, horrible ‘tragedy’? Or am I just a bad person?

Let’s just say it’s an even combination of both and call it a day.

Auf wiedersehen,

BPM