Give me a keg of… diet soda? The Sad Story of MTV’s ‘Teen Wolf’

Where's Styles? Where's the basketball? Where's Boof?!?!?!

Remakes… what are we gonna do with em?

There hath been great outrage in Sunnydale recently over the planned re-imagining of ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’. Nerds and Nerdette’s alike (myself included) are saddened that a BtVS 2.0 movie is proposing to:

a) Feature exactly zero cast members from the beloved TV series, and

b) Have zero involvement whatsoever from Sci Fi demi-God and series creator, Joss Whedon.

And by ‘saddened’, what I mean is that they’re bitching incessantly on the internet about it.

For his part Whedon was quick to expressly state his disappointment with the decision to bastardise his best-known creation, but also managed to be clever about it and still poke fun at the movie industry whilst doing so.

“I always hoped that BUFFY would live on even after my death. But, you know, AFTER. I don’t love the idea of my creation in other hands, but I’m also well aware that many more hands than mine went into making that show what it was. And there is no legal grounds for doing anything other than sighing audibly. I can’t wish people who are passionate about my little myth ill. I can, however, take this time to announce that I’m making a BATMAN movie. Because there’s a franchise that truly needs updating. So look for THE DARK KNIGHT RISES WAY EARLIER THAN THAT OTHER ONE AND ALSO MORE CHEAPLY AND IN TORONTO, rebooting into a theater near you. Leave me to my pain!”

Whedon, Joss - Makes awesome TV shows. Invented sarcasm.

Sad. But not entirely unexpected. And at least ‘Buffy’ has a legion of devotees to kick up a stink about this whole shemozzle.

What about ‘Teen Wolf’???

For those of you who were unaware, that kinda beloved Michael J. Fox vehicle from our youth is the latest property to be completely updated, re-modeled, re-booted and re-tarded before being re-leased back into television land, courtesy of MTV.

See if you can get through THIS:

Where to begin…

As a rule, when it comes to Hollywood remakes, and the remakes of remakes, and the re-interpretations, and the re-imaginings… I don’t care. Remake whatever you want. Remake every movie ever made.

Thankfully when Gus Van Sant chose to make the new(ish) version of ‘Psycho’, my copy of Hitchcock’s film didn’t spontaneously combust or disappear. Chris Nolan’s ‘Dark Knight’ doesn’t automatically wipe my long-term memory clean of Burton’s ‘Batman’ (But… what if it did? In a dream? Where I was half awake? And I could remember what someone else forgot about the movie… yeah… hang on, I’m writing this down to send to Chris for his next script…)

So yeah… remake the shit outta your back catalogue, Hollywood.

But…

But.

Don’t remake something like ‘Teen Wolf’, which was a goofy little movie about high school, and growing up, and puberty, and being different, and how to surf on top of panel van’s, and then change every single aspect of the original story and the characters just so you can release another caffeine-free ‘Twilight’ rip off.

Call this shitty series that ain’t gonna last a single season ‘Moonlight’. Or ‘Taylor Lautner’s Six-Pack’. Or ‘Hungry Like The Wolf’.

Because this incarnation of ‘Teen Wolf’ has exactly as much in common with the original film as it does with the Duran Duran song.

Rant over.

If we don’t take a stand now guys, 2012 rolls along and we get the version of Bizarro-Buffy where she’s actually a sullen, boring, self-obsessed white girl. Who doesn’t slay vampires.

And Angel is now a glittery tween idol who watches her sleep in between playing games of thunderstorm baseball for no reason at all.

And Oz is no longer a peripheral character, but is instead a hunky, often shirtless underwear model much like Angel, only slightly more ethnicized.

And there is no Giles to act extremely British whilst polishing his reading glasses over and over!

2012… hmm… maybe the Mayan’s were right after all…

BPM

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