Archive for February, 2011

If It Bleeds We Can Kill It

February 26, 2011

Hands down my fave Youtube clip of the week:

Thanks be to the Chutson.



Back to the WTF III

February 20, 2011

OK, quick show of hands:

Who here remembers ‘Back to the Future 3’?

OK, good.

And now who remembers those creepy kids Doc and Clara turn up with on their time travel train at the end of the flick?

Because guess what… one of em’s about to get a whole lot creepier:

* shudder *

I’m not even sure that is a kid, or if it’s actually just a midget with an Elizabeth Shue fetish.

In which case… well played little man… I guess…

* shudder*


All Your Bootleg Is Belong To Us

February 17, 2011

Because when I say “F. Scott Fitzgerald”, then obviously your first thought is “classic 8-bit Nintendo game”.


Ladies and gentlemen, I give you ‘The Great Gatsby’… for NES!

So awesome I couldn’t help researching just how much a NES console would cost me on eBay…


Are you ready to join the Martin Lawrence Movement?

February 15, 2011

Man. Myth. Icon. Large Mother.

… or the M.L.M for short.

You know, life is far too short to spend consumed with regret, and I’m a big enough man to admit when I’m wrong. And so, I have a confession to make, a revelation which has profoundly changed me.

Martin Lawrence is a comedic genius.


I said it.

Now we may have had our doubts in the past…

We may have lamented his seeming lack of range, or his choice of extremely similar roles over and over and over again (cop, thief, cop, cop, cop, thief, cop, animated bear).

We may have scoffed at his ability to headline comedic-action flicks.

We may have wished Will Smith and Michael Bay each a thousand deaths for propelling Martin’s career into the stratosphere with ‘Bad Boys’.

We may have even posed sarcastically beside his handprints outside Grauman’s Chinese Theatre in L.A last year.

If you'd guessed the (obscured) look on my face was less than impressed, you'd be correct.

But. I. Was. Wrong.

How do I know this?

Observe… the trailer for Lawrence’s latest instant classic, ‘Big Momma’s: Like Father, Like Son’:

Now, the ollllld Monkey, pre ML-conversion, would rant. He’d rail. He’d point out the cliched set-up, villains, setting, characterization, slapstick, soundtrack, and so on and so on.

Not anymore.

Because last weekend at my local Hoyt’s theatre, as this trailer played before me on the big screen, I realized what should have been obvious all along:

Martin Lawrence is serving us a parody of Martin Lawrence. He’s gone Meta!

In the era of ‘Disaster Movie’, and ‘Epic Movie’, and ‘Scary Movie 47’, Lawrence has transcended comedy by giving us a parody of a Martin Lawrence film with a completely straight face!

I mean, come on… a third Big Momma’s House flick?!? Who do you know that sat all the way through BMH2 and asked “But what happened next?”

This is incredible. Having lost Leslie Nielsen just a few short months ago, are we witnessing a Nielsen-like rebirth for Martin?

Only time will tell.

Until then, I salute you, Mr. Lawrence, for daring to take a risk and make the stupidest movie possible, all in the name of art.

And to think, if 20th Century Fox had just timed their run at awards season a little better…


Your One-Stop-Shop for Valentine’s Day

February 13, 2011

“Say what you will about those of us here at Woolworths…

… but we KNOW f*&kin romance!”

Happy Valentines Day everybody!



February 9, 2011

Adj –

To over-sing the simplest of songs, to stretch single notes without meaning or purpose.

There’s been much froo fraw over Christina Aguilera’s rendition of the ‘Star Spangled Banner’ pre-game at the NFL Superbowl. Strangely it’s revolved almost entirely around the fact that she got the lyrics wrong, rather than the fact she once again displayed the innate ability to turn a simple, 90-second song into what felt like a 4 and a half-minute extravaganza.

Much like this:

You can sing.


We get it.

Of greater concern to me was the fact that Xtina seems to be slowly morphing into a Glenda the Good Witch of the North shadow-image of ‘Jersey Shore’s Snooki.

Am I showing my age if I tell you that the most prominent hot pop stars of my youth were good ol’ dirrrrrrty Christina, Britney (of course)…

and Jessica…

Take heed Rihanna, Katy, Ke$ha:

All the money in the world, your private chef, personal trainer, a nip here, a tuck there, the odd quirky marriage and an entourage numbering in the thousands… all of these things combined¬†still can’t halt time, or stop your barrel-full o’crazy from eventually flooding out.

Thanks to 20/20 hindsight it seems easy now to see that Pink, of all people, was going to age a hell of a lot better than her Top 40 counterparts.


Britney… Christina… Jessica… and Snooki: The World Tour 2013!

I best start drinking now if I want to be sufficiently sloppy and sentimental by show time.

Forever yours as I leave you imagining a rendition of the ‘Star Spangled Banner’ with that 4-part harmony…


Who the hell is Gail Doobinin???

February 5, 2011

Why, probably only the most influential literature cover art designer of all time, that’s who!

For those unfamiliar with the name, these are probably the most most notable examples of Gail’s cover art design:

If, by some miracle you haven’t seen these specific books under the rock beneath which you reside, then you may have seen another tome with a very similar cover.

Or two.

Or three.


Ladies and gentlemen, Exhibit A

That’s right. It’s not just the contemporary novels aimed at 16-year-old girls shamelessly mimicing ‘Twilight’. Now publishers are really going old school.

And if that doesn’t prove the lack of creativity when it comes to marketing ‘literature’…

Annnndddd… Exhibit B

That’d be bad vampire fiction released 10 freakin years before ‘Twilight’, now with a clever new cover.

My kingdom for a new design template!

Because if the cover of the 2010 Ricky Ponting Captain’s Diary features a bloody, red, dripping cricket ball against a flat black backdrop, I may just lose my mind up in this Borders store…


Terrorist Ringtones

February 1, 2011

I’ll cop to being more than a little morbid, sure, but you’ve GOT to admit there’s something pretty frigging funny about this story…


Terrorism only works with mobile phones built circa 2001...


That’s right – a radical religious (is there any other kind?) terrorist inadvertently blew herself up when she received a ‘Happy New Year’ spam text message on the mobile phone that was acting as her detonator.

Perhaps proof positive for all the atheists that just maybe there IS a God / Allah / Buddha / Jehovah / L.Ron out there, and that they DO have a sense of humour.

Or maybe not…


If Islamic male suicide bombers are suckered in by those 72 crispy clean virgins waiting for them in the afterlife, what are the female suicide bombers offered???


P.S – Any objections if I call my first funk-fusion-ska band ‘The Terrorist Ringtones’? No? Good…