Archive for March, 2011

Paris Hilton has achieved all her goals

March 30, 2011

The name's Paris E. Hilton - Genius


So she’s retiring.

At age 30.

No. Really.

Because, as she puts it:

“(I’ve) done everything that I wanted to do and I feel very blessed that I have been very successful in every area. So it’s very exciting. There is nothing else to do”.

That, and:

“I am the original so there is nothing like me.”

Excuse me while I go work until I’m 75 to earn the same annual income as one of those rat-dog’s always hanging out of her handbag, which, incidentally, is worth roughly the same as my soul.

So who’s really the idiot, Monkey? Hmm?

Is it really too late to ask my parents to invest in a hotel while I go and rent a video camera with night vision?



Simon Pegg and Nick Frost’s ‘Star Wars’

March 24, 2011

In 2009, on the set of ‘Paul’, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost set out to make a shot for shot remake of the entire Star Wars trilogy…

Only one scene was completed…


** Sniffle **

You had me at “How did we get into this mess?”.


It’s Important to Aim High

March 23, 2011

Sure it is…

Then again, perhaps sometimes you can aim too high.


Oh when the Saints go marchin innnnn...



In a nutshell?

The “St. Kilda Schoolgirl” (can we please just call her by her name already?!? Kim. There. I said it) tweeted yesterday:

“WEEOOWWW!!! Meeting with two producers from LA tomorrow for an audition in an upcoming movie !!!!!!!”

I get tired just looking at all those exclamation marks.

One more time folks – THIS is the genius that managed to Outwit Outlast & Outplay the better part of an entire football club and the highest profile player manager in the AFL.

And yet I still get the feeling that if one were to mumble “delusions of grandeur” within earshot of her, she’d think you were talking about an expensive kind of chocolate dessert.

Best of luck kid, and remember:

In porn it’s only acting if you’re not actually enjoying it.



March 21, 2011


See Rose, Ruby


See how beautifully one word can encapsulate every little thing wrong with modern day celebrity?

Celebrity + Lesbian = Celesbian.


You’re just angry you didn’t think of it first.

You’re probably right.



Sheenism: What a Difference a Week Makes…

March 9, 2011

What a week it’s been in football!

Shall we summarise the last 7 days or so in the world of Carlos?

How’s this:

Vatican Assassin Warlock-Tiger blood-F 18-Adonis DNA-I have one speed GO!-7 gram rocks-Chaim Levine-fire breathing fists-poetry in my fingertips-goddesses-Sober Valley Lodge-Sheen’s Korner-death is for losers-Jefferson was a pussy-going to Haiti-your head would explode-defeating earthworms with my words-biceps too big-on a drug called Charlie Sheen-droopy eyed, armless children-bitchin rock star from Mars-Winning! Bi-Winning! Tri-Winning! Who’s Winning?


Charlie is! Right! Right... ?


Or at least that’s all we heard for 3 or 4 days.

As of today… Winning?

Yeah… not so much.

Say what you will about my fellow douchebag hipsters… we can venerate and grow tired of someone so efficiently it’ll rock your frickin socks off, man.

Maybe after Charlie has managed to systematically destroy his own brand with just a handful of shitty webcasts, a few more people are prepared to realize what’s been WINNING right in front of their face all along:

Charlie Sheen is having a complete and total mental breakdown.

But at least now he has 2 and a half (Men) million Twitter followers to ride the psychiatric illness train with him. And THAT’S the important thing!

You see, even I can’t hide behind a veneer of true compassion or empathy anymore. I’d say it was sometime after seeing clips from Sheen’s Korner Ep 2 that I instinctively reacted not with any real concern, but instead with the thought:

Hate on Chuck Lorre all you want, man… but your ass REALLY needs a writer!

Nothing to do now but see if the Chaim-ster really does get this bizarro-world version of ‘Two & a Half Men’ off the ground with Rob Lowe instead of Charlie Sheen.

And John Stamos instead of Jon Cryer.

And what the hell… Joey Lawrence instead of Angus T. Jones.





Get well soon Charlie.



Vatican Warlock Assassins

March 1, 2011

As bizarre and borderline incoherent as this clip from Japanese TV may be…

It still makes wayyyyyyy more sense than 99% of the shit Charlie Sheen has said over the past week.

Who knew he was actually this entertaining without a filter? Right now you could film Coked-up Carlos talking to a pot plant for 22 minutes and it would probably rate twice as high as ‘Two & a Half Men’.

That whole “Just Say No To Drugs” ethos is killing your career Jon Cryer!