Archive for May, 2011

I think what God MEANT to say…

May 24, 2011

To be fair, he DOES look old enough to have had a face-to-face convo with the Almighty at some point

Good news folks:

The Rapture, as predicted by Californian preacher Howard Camping, didn’t happen last Saturday night after all.

The bad news?

Well, after slightly miscalculating this particular date, as he did once previously in 1994, Camping is 100%-Sure-For-Realsies-This-Time that it will now take place on October 21st (about 5 months from now).

Which I’m sure is a huge comfort to those true believers that did shit like cash in all their savings or sell their homes last week, because… you know… who needs money once YOU’VE been saved and the world’s ending?

Sigh.

Of far greater concern to me was the death on Friday of one of my childhood heroes, wrestling icon “Macho Man” Randy Savage.

Hmmmm… the Macho Man dies, and one day later the Rapture is averted… coincidence????

 

So, to the man of the hour, too sweet to be sour, funky like a monkey… OHHHHH YEAHHHHHHHHH!

Rest in Peace, Randy – you’ll be missed.

BPM

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Infiltrating a Cinema Near You

May 16, 2011

Note to self: THIS is how you build a multimedia empire, dipshit…

‘DISNEY TRADEMARKS BIN LADEN’S KILLERS’

from Dark Horizons.com

Remember Monkey…

Daring & timely business strategy + death of the world’s most notorious terrorist + clever marketing

= THEME PARK DOLLA DOLLA

Screw Space Mountain, who’s ready for the Haunted Abbottabad Mansion?

BPM

Not how I’D choose to go, but whatever…

May 15, 2011

So at some point over the last 24 hours (if you’re so religiously inclined), Saint Peter is standing by the pearly gates, checking people off his list…

OK… Cancer…

Old age…

Heart attack…

Cancer…

Allergic reaction to a Wasp sting…

… ? …

OK, hold on. Wait a second – you fell from a seventh floor balcony whilst mimicking some hipster-douchebag-social media-craze you heard of last week?

Isn’t there somewhere else we can send this idiot???

Planking…

Because if you can find a better example of Generation-Y’s retarded self-obsession with documenting their own banal minutiae, then I’d luurrrvvve to hear it.

BPM

The Obama Administration’s Secretary of Ass Whuppin’

May 5, 2011

If we're afraid to wear novelty t-shirts like this, then the terrorists have already won

The world changed just a little this week, people…

And no, I’m not talking about the TV Week Logie Awards.

Osama Bin Laden, we hardly knew ye.
 
The assassination extermination ‘attempted apprehension’ of OBL this week has led to celebrations in the United States the likes of which have not been since Donnie Osmond won season 9 of ‘Dancing with the Stars’.
 
The death of the world’s most wanted man answered the prayers of many proud, patriotic American’s. Plus, it also afforded them the opportunity to flex their almighty collective biceps, drunkenly sing ‘God Bless the USA’, AND come up with some of the most bizarre conspiracy theories imaginable.
 
That Bin Laden isn’t actually dead? Check.
  
That the USA has had Bin Laden’s body stored in a freezer for years, waiting until the most politically opportune moment to hit defrost and announce his death? Yup.
 
That maybe there is no Osama Bin Laden!?!?!
 
It’s like the media coverage is coming exclusively from Twitter, and the desk of M. Night Shyamalan.
 
My new favourite is the one that posits that somehow ‘The Rock’ Dwayne Johnson – actor, professional wrestler and occasional tooth fairy…

Look, I love The Rock, but I still HAD to include this photo

 
Was somehow privy to the death of OBL before the rest of us.
 
Reports are saying that the first mention of Bin Laden’s death on Twitter came from Keith Urbahn (that’s Donald Rumsfeld’s Chief of Staff, NOT the crappy C&W musician).   
 
The second mention? Well, that’d be the ‘People’s Champ’, of course.

“Just got word that will shock the world – Land of the free … home of the brave DAMN PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN!”

That tweet was made at approximately 7:24pm, almost the same time as Urbahn’s, an hour and eleven minutes before the President’s official statement was made.

Who are you really, Dwayne??? How could you have possibly known about this? I thought you’d only played a spy in that crappy Get Smart movie? How did you already know what Barack is cooking* ?!?!

* The 3 of you that have ever watched WWE will appreciate that line. The rest of you? Pfft.

You think it’s a coincidence that this tactical operation coincided with the release of Rocky’s latest flick, ‘Fast Five’, where he plays…

An elite DSS agent whose specialty is extracting targets, dead or alive, from overseas locations!!!

I knew that movie seemed wayyyyy too steeped in realism.

I don’t know about you, but I find some degree of comfort in the fact that The Rock seems to have the inside line on military intel and possible foreign policy. So let’s make this shit official! The Rock: Secretary of Defence… nice, huh?

Besides, who would you rather have laying the smackdown on enemies of peace, junk food and the American way?

This guy? 

The incumbent, Robert Gates

Or the jabroni-beating, pie-eating Brahma Bull himself?

Yes, I’m only joking. And yes, I’m a dreamer. But I’m not the only one.

Now let me retreat to a place where President The Rock instead of President Barack is the one to remind the American people:

“The cause of securing our country is not complete. But tonight, we are once again reminded that America can do whatever we set our mind to. That is the story of our history, whether it’s the pursuit of prosperity for our people, or the struggle for equality for all our citizens; our commitment to stand up for our values abroad, and our sacrifices to make the world a safer place.

Let us remember that we can do these things not just because of wealth or power, but because of who we are: one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all…

 IF YOU SMELL-EL-EL-EL-EL-EL-OW… WHAT THE ROCK… IS… COOKING!”

BPM