Archive for February, 2012

Oscars 2012… meh

February 28, 2012

Another Academy Awards broadcast done and dusted, and it looks like I’m not alone in feeling resoundingly ‘bleh’ about the whole night.

Billy Crystal was… fine. I’m reasonably sure he just took a script verbatim from 1995 and substituted the names of this year’s films and actors, but whatever. He could stand on stage and fart the alphabet into a mic for 4 hours, and it’d still be superior to Franco & Hathaway (which to me still sounds like the names of a team of detectives on a 70’s cop show, not the glamorous presenters at Hollywood’s Biggest Night ™!).

When the most memorable moments from the entire show centre around Angie’s right leg…


It took less than 30 mins for this leg to have its own Twitter page.


And J. Lo’s left nipple…

Not pictured: an actual nipple

Then you can probably afford to give the whole show a miss.

Which is a shame. I love movies. I love movies about movies. I love Hollywood cinema. I more often than not enjoy the Oscars, even during its most self-aggrandizing moments (ie. when they get last year’s Best Actor & Actress to describe the current years batch of nominees as ‘world changing’, ‘fearless’, ‘incandescent’, ‘the smartest man I have ever known’, etc).

But this year? I just didn’t really care.

I should care. I want to care. But I just don’t. Sorry.

I’ll admit that the pre-Oscar buzz being all about ‘The Artist’ was a factor. I’m sure it’s a great movie – I just can’t force myself to go and see it. And ‘The Descendents’, ‘Moneyball’, and ‘Hugo’? Sure, I liked them, but I wasn’t transported by them. The terrible melodramatic trailer for ‘War Horse’ killed that flick for me 3 months before it was released.

Hmm... "War Horse" huh... so what's it about?

And that’s just half the field!

I’m not sure it can even be argued anymore that the revised 9 or 10 movie nominations for Best Picture (rather than the classic 5 nominations) has had an enormously detrimental effect on the Oscars experience. When you can barely remember half of the nominated movies, what does that say for the exclusivity of the field? Everybody knows these extra flicks are only there for financial reasons (historically the movies nominated for an Oscar get a huge bump at the box office). Why should I give a shit about what the Academy considers the years finest film, when they’re also prepared to nominate ‘The Fighter’, and ‘The Blind Side’, and ‘Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close’???

I don’t know. Maybe next year they’ll try to atone for ignoring ‘The Dark Knight’ in 2009, and the geekboy in me will get the chance to celebrate a comic book movie winning Best Picture AND making a gajillion dollars. We’ll see…

In the meantime, congratulations to all of the winners last night, even though their victories had already been practically preordained at every frigging awards for the past 6 weeks (seriously, ZERO surprises in the major categories???).

Congrats to Kirk Baxter, the lone Australian nominee, for winning his second consecutive Oscar for Best Film Editing. You saved us from the Herald Sun’s inevitable proclamation ‘AUSSIE(S) SNUBBED!’

And congrats to Jim Rash, probably best known for his role on TV’s ‘Community’, for having the balls to mock Angelina Jolie in front of… well… a gajillion (there’s that number again) people.

If Dan Harmon doesn’t put him in an Angelina outfit by the end of season 3, I’ll be most disappointed.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be off cleansing my filmic palette with some real cinematic masterpieces, like ‘Monster Squad’, ’12 Monkeys’, and ‘Animal House’…

Where’s our Academy Award, bitches?

I’m classy like that.



Mermaiding is not a thing!

February 21, 2012


Could YOU resist her siren song?

from the Herald Sun

Yes, you can click on the link above, but the important dot points are as follows:

  1. This chick quit her job in a call centre because, surprise surprise, she found it boring. And, I quote, “…mermaiding is my passion”.
  2. Since she was a girl, Mary McPhail dreamt of becoming a Mermaid.
  3. She now spends all her time at various Melbourne bayside beaches.
  4. She owns a “six tail selection”.
  5. Mary now wants to make a living appearing at corporate gigs, parties, etc.
  6. She claims that Mermaiding is a worldwide trend.


And to think, all this time I’ve spent chained to a frigging desk, shuffling papers and screwing up Excel spreadsheets… when all I needed to do was wish that I was a Mermaid…

Sorry, Mer-MAN!

And then wish that people would pay me for it*. It all seems so obvious now!

Consequently, this blog will be going on a short hiatus while I work out how to tell the wife that I will also be quitting my job because I find it boring. However rather than take the aquatic route, I’ll soon be appearing around Melbourne dressed in a homemade cape and cowl, because as a child I was totally in to Batman.

Dark Knighting is a worldwide trend as well, right?

Because my ridiculous fantasies deserve to be funded too.

I’m pretty sure it’s only a matter of time before the corporate gigs just start rollllling in, but in the meantime cash donations to your favourite caped crusader will be hugely appreciated.


* Then with my third wish, I wish for 3 more wishes… What… ? Mermaids grant wishes, right? Right?

Inside the Actors Studio with Nicolas Cage

February 17, 2012

Some actors make interesting ‘choices’ when it comes to their performances…

And then there’s Nic Cage.

Almost hypnotic, isn’t it?

Oh, and a healthy reminder this awards season – that guy has been nominated for a Best Actor Academy Award more than once.

Ponder that,


We Need to Talk About Whitney

February 13, 2012

1963 - 2012

So, are we ready to talk about Whitney yet?

Like Amy Winehouse, this had that horrible feeling of inevitability. Whitney Houston had the voice of a generation, and yet aged only 48, she becomes the new poster child when it comes to destroying god given talent with drug abuse.

Dozens of musicians influenced by Houston expressed their grief at her passing the only way they knew how… via Twitter, of course (“What a tragedy! Let me tell how you this effects #ME”).

The pre-Grammy’s party she was meant to attend at the Beverly Hilton Hotel? Well, sure… it proceeded as planned, but they DID move it to a different area of the hotel, right?

The Grammy Awards themselves quickly became a sombre, tasteful evening, where high profile guests momentarily shrugged off their own all consuming need for the spotlight, choosing instead to show some respect for the memory of…

This fucking fruit loop is a 'Nicki Minaj', apparently


Rather than regurgitate any more of the innumerable articles about her gospel influences, or the destructive influence of Bobby Brown, or that “Crack is whack” interview, I’ll leave with perhaps the best way to remember Whitney Houston – an example of a peerless female vocallist in her prime (as suggested by The Age contributor, Clem Bastow):


Whitney is survived by her daughter, Kristina Bobbi Brown.


Social Media Explained

February 8, 2012

More gold from Lamebook, the site that just keeps on giving:


The Bird is the word

February 2, 2012

Huh… so Brad Pitt is the pre-eminent bird-flipper of our time… who’da thunk it?