Oscars 2012… meh

Another Academy Awards broadcast done and dusted, and it looks like I’m not alone in feeling resoundingly ‘bleh’ about the whole night.

Billy Crystal was… fine. I’m reasonably sure he just took a script verbatim from 1995 and substituted the names of this year’s films and actors, but whatever. He could stand on stage and fart the alphabet into a mic for 4 hours, and it’d still be superior to Franco & Hathaway (which to me still sounds like the names of a team of detectives on a 70’s cop show, not the glamorous presenters at Hollywood’s Biggest Night ™!).

When the most memorable moments from the entire show centre around Angie’s right leg…


It took less than 30 mins for this leg to have its own Twitter page.


And J. Lo’s left nipple…

Not pictured: an actual nipple

Then you can probably afford to give the whole show a miss.

Which is a shame. I love movies. I love movies about movies. I love Hollywood cinema. I more often than not enjoy the Oscars, even during its most self-aggrandizing moments (ie. when they get last year’s Best Actor & Actress to describe the current years batch of nominees as ‘world changing’, ‘fearless’, ‘incandescent’, ‘the smartest man I have ever known’, etc).

But this year? I just didn’t really care.

I should care. I want to care. But I just don’t. Sorry.

I’ll admit that the pre-Oscar buzz being all about ‘The Artist’ was a factor. I’m sure it’s a great movie – I just can’t force myself to go and see it. And ‘The Descendents’, ‘Moneyball’, and ‘Hugo’? Sure, I liked them, but I wasn’t transported by them. The terrible melodramatic trailer for ‘War Horse’ killed that flick for me 3 months before it was released.

Hmm... "War Horse" huh... so what's it about?

And that’s just half the field!

I’m not sure it can even be argued anymore that the revised 9 or 10 movie nominations for Best Picture (rather than the classic 5 nominations) has had an enormously detrimental effect on the Oscars experience. When you can barely remember half of the nominated movies, what does that say for the exclusivity of the field? Everybody knows these extra flicks are only there for financial reasons (historically the movies nominated for an Oscar get a huge bump at the box office). Why should I give a shit about what the Academy considers the years finest film, when they’re also prepared to nominate ‘The Fighter’, and ‘The Blind Side’, and ‘Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close’???

I don’t know. Maybe next year they’ll try to atone for ignoring ‘The Dark Knight’ in 2009, and the geekboy in me will get the chance to celebrate a comic book movie winning Best Picture AND making a gajillion dollars. We’ll see…

In the meantime, congratulations to all of the winners last night, even though their victories had already been practically preordained at every frigging awards for the past 6 weeks (seriously, ZERO surprises in the major categories???).

Congrats to Kirk Baxter, the lone Australian nominee, for winning his second consecutive Oscar for Best Film Editing. You saved us from the Herald Sun’s inevitable proclamation ‘AUSSIE(S) SNUBBED!’

And congrats to Jim Rash, probably best known for his role on TV’s ‘Community’, for having the balls to mock Angelina Jolie in front of… well… a gajillion (there’s that number again) people.

If Dan Harmon doesn’t put him in an Angelina outfit by the end of season 3, I’ll be most disappointed.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be off cleansing my filmic palette with some real cinematic masterpieces, like ‘Monster Squad’, ’12 Monkeys’, and ‘Animal House’…

Where’s our Academy Award, bitches?

I’m classy like that.



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