Archive for June, 2012

Sorkinisms

June 28, 2012

Alt title: ‘Charlie Wilson’s War on A Few Good Bulworth’s Malice watching Sports Night’s Social Network on The West Wing at Studio 60’.

Ladies and gentlemen, Aaron Sorkin:

Because if something is worth saying, it’s worth saying at least two or three times, verrrrry very quickly.

Fantastic cut by @KevinTPorter.

BPM

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A Monkey’s Lament

June 25, 2012

Hi!

A refresher course about ME:

I am pop culture obsessed. I write about any number of things. I blog about bad TV, and awesome movies. I document a generation singularly focussed on the trappings of celebrity, and the occasional kooky news story. I sling metaphorical monkey faeces at modern-day monsters, and enjoy photoshopped images of Velociraptors. 

I own a small, obscure corner of the internet (and that’s just the way I like it) where I rail at my oh-so-many petty grievances.

And I do it for YOU, dear reader. All 6 of you. Or at least that’s what my WordPress stats tell me.

Except for the past few Tuesday’s. On Tuesday’s my readership experiences quite a bump. 2 weeks ago that meant over 2000 visitors to this site in 1 day.

What did I write? What sparkling prose attracted so many new friends? What kind of spectacular insight had I offered into the human condition that resonated so with this new audience?

Not a damn thing.

No, the reason Tuesday is my good news day is solely because of this…

And the dozen or so variants of ‘Lara’ & ‘Bingle’ & ‘Nude’ people subsequently typed into Google Images, which led them right here.

Where there are NO pictures of Lara Bingle nude, I might add. There is one post that touched on the Lara Bingle / Brendan Fevola camera-phone incident a few years back. Apparently that’s all it takes.

THAT is a reality check.

Tim Minchin expressed what I’m feeling far more cleverly (and musically) than I ever could. Ladies and gentlemen, a reminder of the limitations inherent in trying to express yourself artistically in any way on the interwebs:

BPM

Did the Earth move for you too?

June 20, 2012

Oh, and before I forget about the great Melbourne Earthquake of 2012…

Personally, I feel that if you need to turn to the nearest person and ask “Did you feel that?” to clarify if something just happened… then it doesn’t qualify as an Earthquake.

Which hasn’t stopped Victorian tabloid newspaper Hyperbole Sun… sorry, the Herald Sun from publishing articles like this one.

OHMYGAWD! DVD’S FELL OF SHELVES! PICTURE FRAMES FELL OFF WALLS! THERE WERE BOTTLES OF SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER STREWN ACROSS THE FLOOR EVERYWHERRRRRREEEEEEE!!! AND THE BOTTLES OF SOFT DRINK IN AISLE 3! WHO WILL CLEAN UP ALL OF THE SOFT DRINNNNNKKKKKKKKKK!!!!

Hoping you’re coping today, my fellow Melbournian’s.

19.06.12… Never Forget.

And if someone from Fukushima, or Christchurch, or Los Angeles ever punches you in the face for bringing up the fact that WE had an Earthquake TOO once… well… you kinda earned it.

BPM

On Monopoly and valuable life-skills

June 20, 2012

I saw a commercial on television a few nights ago advertising the latest incarnation of a staple of damn near EVERYONE’S childhood.

Behold! From the good people at Hasbro…

Yeah, that’s right. It’s Monopoly Electronic Banking™!

Because fuck counting, that’s why!

Apparently all the paper currency has been replaced by this…

Do you have any idea how hard it is for a 6-year-old to produce 100 points of I.D so as to be eligible for one of those cards?

Time honoured traditions like stealing from the bank, and letting someone slide on a $2 rental fee at Old Kent Road are now a thing of the past. You know… like kids being capable of being able to add or subtract in their heads. Or spell words longer than 4 letters long.

I personally was taught how to play Monopoly at the tender age of 5 by my older cousin Adrian. Whenever Adrian or I would stay at one another’s home to sleepover, for years he would habitually wake me up at 3 or 4am, tell me it was actually 6 (I wasn’t old enough to either read a clock that wasn’t digital, or to realise what a devious bastard my cousin was), and play endless games of Monopoly while ‘Star Wars’ played on a loop on our Beta video machine at super low volume.

Now I can’t speak for everyone (although God knows I spend enough time around here acting as if I do), but I can tell you that as a young’un the tag team of Cousin Adrian and Monopoly taught me a hell of a lot about the value of money, how to do basic math quickly, and that no matter what economic strategy I chose in life, I was predestined to be a complete financial failure.

Fine! Take Trafalgar Square and Fleet Street, I don’t care anymorrreeeeeeee!

It’s probably just another pang of needless nostalgia (a specialty of my generation), but replacing those classic orange $500 notes with a swipe card? It just seems so soulless.

Yes, I’m aware that I’m now defending the soul of a board game that teaches children how best to financially cripple their friends and family. Deal with it.

I’m sure Monopoly Electronic Banking is only the beginning. As a brand, Monopoly for Hasbro is still a license to print money (or swipe cards). According to Wikipedia, there are literally dozens of variants of the Monopoly Classic we all know and love. They have to stay current, have to move with the times. So it can only be a matter of time before Monopoly Online Banking is released. Just think…

  • Schedule your bPay rent payments and/or get out of jail fees ahead of time!
  • See how ‘Bank Dividend In Your Favour – Collect $200’ is gradually replaced by ‘Account Keeping Fee – Pay $6’!
  • Receive countless spam phishing emails from the ‘bank’, telling you that your account must be verified / needs a security update / has been illegally accessed, and you need to click here to resolve the issue!
  • Call the Monopoly bank call centre whenever you forget your online password – spend hours on hold telling a stranger your date of birth and home address over and over!
  • Spend countless hours looking through your transaction history, asking your fellow board game enthusiasts “When did I spend $132 at Vine Street???”

And of course, thanks to the boffins that brought you the Hollywood train wreck that was ‘Battleship: The Movie’ this year, just try and restrain yourself until the inevitable cinematic adaptation arrives at theatre near you!

Starring Chris Brown (probably) as Rich Uncle Pennybags, and Rihanna as the woman who loves him

That might sounds ludicrous to 99.8% of you, but somewhere there’s a Hollywood producer slapping his forehead, exclaiming “That’s perfect! And then we cast Ludacris as the little Scotty Dog!”

Shit, I’m just giving them ideas now…

That being said, I’d just like everyone to know that yours truly DID just win a beauty contest, and if you could each send me 50 bucks sometime soon, it’d be greatly appreciated.

The Button Pushing Monkey – Home of the Internet’s Finest Monopoly-Related Humour.

Meh… probably not.

BPM

The Evolution of Comedy is… Pranking?

June 13, 2012

‘MELBOURNE ‘ZOMBIE’ TERRORISES STRANGERS’

 

from ninemsn.com.au

Sigh… why do I start so many of these posts with a disgusted exhalation at the state of the world around me? WHY?!?!?!

I swear to you the only reason this story initially caught my attention was because it happened right around my neck of the woods in sunny Melbourne. Click the link above to read.

Key point here is that self-professed professional comedian and prankster Alki Stevens filmed the latest of his of rib-tickling pranks for YouTube, a skit where he dressed as a zombie and leapt out at unsuspecting passers-by.

Observe:

I read about Stevens a while ago in our local newspaper, in a story that attempted to make an awfully big deal about the fact that he invented the internet craze ‘cone-ing’. Never heard of cone-ing? It’s where you buy an ice-cream cone from McDonalds, only to take it from the person serving you and hold it by the wrong end / start eating it in a bizarre fashion / stick it to your forehead / etc.

A business card idea for you, Mr. Stevens

As a ‘comedian’, I guess my first question for Mr. Stevens regarding his ability to jump on this zombie fad only… I don’t know… 3 or 4 years after the rest of the internet, would be… why?

More specifically?

What’s the point? What are you trying to say? What’s the ‘joke’ here? Is there even a joke? Is the joke merely to elicit some form of an instinctive response from people?

Even the worst comedy is about something. I’d buy you maybe grasping at straws, and trying to find your own humorous take on the sudden mainstream awareness / media coverage / fear of the walking dead after the now infamous ‘zombie’ attack in Miami a few weeks back… had you not gone to great pains in the story above to specifically say that the timing or any kind of link was purely coincidental.

So as far as I can tell, most of your work relies on people reacting to you doing craaaaazzzzyyyy, disgusting, or unexpected things.

Bravo. You are the fake dog poo of internet comedy.

“Think of all the intricate, well thought out pranks we could do with THIS!”

And on a side note: if I personally saw some fucktard zombie-shuffling after me (or a group of young schoolgirls… seriously you ass clown?!) while I was walking the dog, or leaving the shopping centre, or riding my bike, then yes – I’d punch him as a reflex. I’d punch him likely as hard as I possibly could.

And then I’d punch him again when I saw it was just some idiot with a handi-cam and some fake blood, playing dress-ups.

And then I’d punch him a third time. In the balls. Whilst filming it on my iPhone.

There. Am I an internet comedian and prankster now too?

Who knows… maybe I’m wrong and Alki Stevens really is a comic genius, a voice for his generation. What a shitty reflection on an entire generation that would be.

So, until someday soon when ‘Idiocracy’s’ satirical take on the future of comedy, ‘Oww My Balls’, actually becomes a reality, with its own YouTube channel and everything…

Enjoy your hi-larious pranking and internet comedy, Gen Y. 

BPM