On Monopoly and valuable life-skills

I saw a commercial on television a few nights ago advertising the latest incarnation of a staple of damn near EVERYONE’S childhood.

Behold! From the good people at Hasbro…

Yeah, that’s right. It’s Monopoly Electronic Banking™!

Because fuck counting, that’s why!

Apparently all the paper currency has been replaced by this…

Do you have any idea how hard it is for a 6-year-old to produce 100 points of I.D so as to be eligible for one of those cards?

Time honoured traditions like stealing from the bank, and letting someone slide on a $2 rental fee at Old Kent Road are now a thing of the past. You know… like kids being capable of being able to add or subtract in their heads. Or spell words longer than 4 letters long.

I personally was taught how to play Monopoly at the tender age of 5 by my older cousin Adrian. Whenever Adrian or I would stay at one another’s home to sleepover, for years he would habitually wake me up at 3 or 4am, tell me it was actually 6 (I wasn’t old enough to either read a clock that wasn’t digital, or to realise what a devious bastard my cousin was), and play endless games of Monopoly while ‘Star Wars’ played on a loop on our Beta video machine at super low volume.

Now I can’t speak for everyone (although God knows I spend enough time around here acting as if I do), but I can tell you that as a young’un the tag team of Cousin Adrian and Monopoly taught me a hell of a lot about the value of money, how to do basic math quickly, and that no matter what economic strategy I chose in life, I was predestined to be a complete financial failure.

Fine! Take Trafalgar Square and Fleet Street, I don’t care anymorrreeeeeeee!

It’s probably just another pang of needless nostalgia (a specialty of my generation), but replacing those classic orange $500 notes with a swipe card? It just seems so soulless.

Yes, I’m aware that I’m now defending the soul of a board game that teaches children how best to financially cripple their friends and family. Deal with it.

I’m sure Monopoly Electronic Banking is only the beginning. As a brand, Monopoly for Hasbro is still a license to print money (or swipe cards). According to Wikipedia, there are literally dozens of variants of the Monopoly Classic we all know and love. They have to stay current, have to move with the times. So it can only be a matter of time before Monopoly Online Banking is released. Just think…

  • Schedule your bPay rent payments and/or get out of jail fees ahead of time!
  • See how ‘Bank Dividend In Your Favour – Collect $200’ is gradually replaced by ‘Account Keeping Fee – Pay $6’!
  • Receive countless spam phishing emails from the ‘bank’, telling you that your account must be verified / needs a security update / has been illegally accessed, and you need to click here to resolve the issue!
  • Call the Monopoly bank call centre whenever you forget your online password – spend hours on hold telling a stranger your date of birth and home address over and over!
  • Spend countless hours looking through your transaction history, asking your fellow board game enthusiasts “When did I spend $132 at Vine Street???”

And of course, thanks to the boffins that brought you the Hollywood train wreck that was ‘Battleship: The Movie’ this year, just try and restrain yourself until the inevitable cinematic adaptation arrives at theatre near you!

Starring Chris Brown (probably) as Rich Uncle Pennybags, and Rihanna as the woman who loves him

That might sounds ludicrous to 99.8% of you, but somewhere there’s a Hollywood producer slapping his forehead, exclaiming “That’s perfect! And then we cast Ludacris as the little Scotty Dog!”

Shit, I’m just giving them ideas now…

That being said, I’d just like everyone to know that yours truly DID just win a beauty contest, and if you could each send me 50 bucks sometime soon, it’d be greatly appreciated.

The Button Pushing Monkey – Home of the Internet’s Finest Monopoly-Related Humour.

Meh… probably not.



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