Wha’ Happened?!?

It’s way too late to look surprised, Fred

The age of the internets, and the 24 hour news cycle… she giveth, and she taketh away…eth.

I’m a huge fan of Fred Willard’s improv work, especially his roles in various Christopher Guest films like ‘A Mighty Wind’ and ‘Best in Show’. Which is why it’s such a bummer to hear he was arrested this week for masturbating in an adult theatre in Los Angeles.

Before you immediately jump onboard the “Masturbating in an adult theatre?!?! How quaint” bandwagon, bear in mind the fact that Fred is 72 years old. Maybe working out how to traverse the world of internet porn is beyond his comprehension at this point. I know that whenever my Dad needs to update Mozilla Firefox I need to drive to his place and very slowly walk him through the clickies. And he’s 10 years younger than Willard.

Plus I guess when you really think about it, and take into account Fred’s age, you have to believe that this wasn’t a spur of the moment act. There’s probably a fair degree of planning and preparation that goes into… uhh… his ‘performance’. So in a way he’s lucky the police didn’t consider this a pre-meditated act.

It manages to qualify as one of the few sordid celebrity acts that I really didn’t need to know about. But in an age when we know all about Miley’s latest tattoo before the ink is even dry, what chance does anyone have of keeping their peccadilloes private anymore?

And no, I didn’t just use the word ‘peccadillo’ as a euphemism for Willard’s wang.

I think…

Am I suddenly yearning for a return to olden days, when tales of Hollywood Babylon-esque depravity were kept off the record, on the QT, and very hush hush? Probably not – if they were, what the hell would I write about? Am I simply allowing my affection for Fred Willard to cloud my customary Schadenfreude in celebrating the pratfalls and fuck-ups of the Lohan’s and Kardashian’s of the world?

I guess (cue Doogie Howser-music and typing sound effect) the lesson to be learned here is that the freedom to pick and choose which celebrities disgrace themselves in public is truly out of my hands.

But not out of Fred’s.

God damn it…



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