Archive for the ‘Death’ Category

Poor Mindy McCready…

February 19, 2013


You know, I’d rather be repeatedly punched in my monkey parts than watch a minute of ‘Celebrity Rehab’… but seriously —

THIS headline:


Fifth. Out of about 50.

Strange… it’s almost like Dr. Drew and Co. were more concerned with exploiting people with emotional problems purely for entertainment purposes, rather than helping them or something???

I’ll say it again – day by day, inch by inch, we struggle closer and closer to television finally giving up and just embracing the dystopian future of ‘The Running Man‘…

I'd seek help from Richard Dawson circa '87 before I'd speak to Dr. Drew, any day o' the week

I’d seek help from Richard Dawson circa ’87 before I’d speak to Dr. Drew, any day o’ the week

Which does not work for me. At all. I for one still look shitty in a lycra bodysuit, and cannot effectively wield a chainsaw whilst in hand-to-hand combat.

Not whilst on camera anyways.

Rest in Peace, Mindy.



Umm… I think we’re missing someone?

December 13, 2012




Nirvana… reunion?

Not without some serious smelling salts and a bicycle repair kit, Sir Paul…

With that being said, this WAS for a good cause, a fundraising concert for victims of Superstorm Sandy in New York (and only New York, cos fuck the rest of the east coast, that’s why!)

Of course, Courtney Love was immediately asked for her take on this. She was, as you might have imagined, not impressed, apparently saying of McCartney’s involvement “Look, if John (Lennon) were alive it would be cool.”

She then screamed she was a little teapot, that her eyeballs were growing fingers, and that light globes have feelings, before fleeing into the night, accompanied by a frog farting the alphabet.

If you have an iconic band you’d like Sir Paul to reform, he’s contactable at:

Until next time, a reminder that the walrus was Paul…


You have a totally legit friend request… seriously, for realsies

September 14, 2012

I’ll apologise in advance for yet another anti-Facebook/Twitter/Internet post, but this story blew my mind, and I can’t believe we haven’t seen it featured more prominently in ANY Australian news media outlet:


from PC

The story in a nutshell goes that the Taliban are using fake Facebook profiles to ‘befriend’ troops in the Australian Defence Forces serving overseas in Afghanistan. See that picture up there? That’s ex-World Wrestling Entertainment superstar Maria Kanellis, just one of the hot chicks enticing our fighting forces to click ‘Accept’. Once the Australian soldier accepts the friend request, the Taliban then uses this access to gather info based on the soldiers’ status updates, posts, photos, etc.

The bigger problem is that Facebook’s geo-tagging tech also logs the specific location that soldiers are posting from. So once a soldier updates his status to shit its hot, or OMG check out my RPG!!!!! 🙂 , the Taliban knows exactly where they are.

All of this has prompted a review by the Australian Defence Force into DoD use of social media, and will probably necessitate the introduction of social media training courses for all members of the Defence Force.


Now, I’m not criticising our brave men and women serving overseas. They show incredible courage doing a job I never could, and make us as Australians proud every day.

But who knew that our troops weren’t made aware before they were sent into a war zone about geo-tagging?

Or that members of the Taliban are apparently big fans of WWE Diva’s like Maria?

That in one of the most dangerous areas on the planet, some people are still preoccupied with posting Instagram photos of their food, duck-facing in front of armoured vehicles, and doing those quizzes to see ‘Which Disney character are you?’

Come on, how many times is this thing going to tell me that I’m Pumbaa?!?!?!

That when it comes to manipulating social media, we have been (in the parlance of Jeff Probst) out-witted, out-lasted and out-played by… the Taliban?!?! Who presumably have faster, more reliable internet connection in the mountainous regions of Afghanistan than I do in the western suburbs of Melbourne.

And that apparently any remake of ‘Stripes’ would now include John Winger doing way less push-ups and much, much more tweeting? 

“I want you to drop and give me a hundred n’ forty… characters”

Serves as a handy reminder to all of us not to accept a friend request from someone just because SHES TOTALLY HOT BRO OMG SEXYB!TCH!

Admittedly this is advice that’s easier to dish out when, like me, you’re the kinda guy whom unnaturally attractive women avoid like a new chemically engineered strain of black-plague-herpes-canceraids.

But it’s good advice regardless.

Finally, should any of you who are reading this be currently serving in the Australian military overseas, be safe guys and gals, and come home in one piece.


On Michael Clarke Duncan, and Movie Hindsight

September 7, 2012

I was saddened this week to hear the news that actor Michael Clarke Duncan passed away, due to ongoing complications from a heart attack he suffered over a month ago. He was 54.

In an acting career that lasted ostensibly for less than 15 years, MCD starred in a wiiiiddddeeee variety of both high quality flicks and classic crap. Amongst the former? ‘The Green Mile’, ‘Sin City’, ‘Bulworth’, ‘Talladega Nights’ & ‘The Scorpion King’ (a real guilty pleasure of mine).

Amongst the latter? Well, there was ‘Daredevil’, ‘Green Lantern’, Burton’s ‘Planet of the Apes’ remake, ‘The Island’ and… well… pretty much anything starring Bruce Willis.

Friendship… it’s a double-edged sword sometimes

The one common thread to most everything I ever read about Duncan off-screen was that he was the archetypical ‘gentle giant’, and a quality human being. I’m not going to lionize Duncan’s acting ability or screen presence. But, thanks to THAT voice, and his size, Duncan was invariably at the very least fun to watch, a surprisingly underrated quality in a movie star these days when you stop to think about it.

Ironically I’d been thinking just several days before he passed about ‘The Green Mile’, and about 2 other performers in that flick, Tom Hanks and Doug Hutchison.

I remember eagerly awaiting ‘The Green Mile’ before its cinematic release. I was (and remain) a huge Stephen King fan, and had loved ‘The Shawshank Redemption’. So when I heard Frank Darabont was adapting the latest King novella, you better believe I was there on opening day.

Literally opening day. 10:30am on a Thursday morning, to be precise (ahhh, to be a University student again, with less than 12 contact hours per week…). Whatever misgivings I may have had about a) seeing the film alone, and b) seeing it in a cinema with less than 5 other people, were quickly dispelled as I immersed myself in the story of Paul Edgecombe, the giant John Coffey (like the drink, only spelled different), and the 2 dead girls…

To me it remains, to this day, a movie forgotten by the moviegoing public far too quickly. Well cast, with some decent (if a little Oscar baity), actor-ing including a breakout performance by Duncan. A calmly paced, sprawling script. Interesting direction. Sure, it’s not the life affirming classic Shawshank is, but the prison period-piece is still a well worth revisiting by Darabont.

Having said that, one of the most memorable parts of that film is the loathsome prison warden, Percy Whitmore. Whitmore, compellingly played by a relative unknown (at the time) Doug Hutchison, is a cruel cowardly man, trading in on his family connections to keep his job at the Green Mile (death row in a Louisiana prison in the 30’s). After the flick however, Hutchison was rarely seen, his most notable acting role in the ensuing years being a short-term role in one of the latter series’ of ‘Lost’.

I just assumed that maybe Hutchison had been too effective in his role as the Green Mile’s antagonist, that he was forever typecast as the creep, the petty scumbag.

And then there was this…

That’s right… Doug Hutchison, freaky weirdo from ‘The Green Mile’, is THAT GUY, the 51-year-old dude that married 16-year-old (coughcough) wannabe starlet Courtney Stodden.

News broke this week that now that Courtney has turned 18 (coughcough), she was willing to pose for Playboy! To which Playboy responded, and I quote, “Nobody really wants to see that”.


Perhaps in Doug’s eyes, appearing in TMZ with this prematurely withering, ditzy, spray tanned, peroxidal crone once a week means that he’s once again relevant in Hollywood. Sigh… and at what cost relevancy, say I.

At around the same time as Doug’s latest fame-crazy facepalm, Tom Hanks was reaffirming for the world why he’s more beloved than Santa Claus, rainbows, and a basket of playful kittens COMBINED!

Hanks went viral after a young man asked him to pose for a series of photos in a restaurant, where he pretended to steal Tommy’s glasses. What followed…

Only served…

To remind us…

That Hanks’ everyman appeal shall never wane.

How to tie all this together?

Well, after hearing of Duncan’s untimely passing, I did what many a movie-geek would do – I sought out his most notable performance, and slapped the disc into my DVD player for a reminder of how we lost a talented individual way too soon.


I soon found it virtually impossible to divorce my knowledge of 2012 celeb-u-tainment from a movie I’d previously enjoyed. Even the twin doses of MCD mourning and Hanksian charm weren’t enough to quell the revulsion I have for a man and his ‘child’ bride (coughcough) so desperately clawing at the underbelly of Hollywood’s D-list.

Which is strange, because as distracting as ‘Stoddison’ (you’re welcome, tabloids) is, is Hutchison any worse than… say… Charlie Sheen? Because I can still watch ‘Major League’ without picturing Charlie beating/shooting the female team owner. I can still watch ‘Grease’ without conjuring up images of Danny Zucco twisting Kenickie’s arm for a deep tissue massage. I never once imagined Batman losing his shit at Lucious Fox over the key lighting in Wayne Towers during ‘Dark Knight Rises’, and I’m pretty sure I’ve sat all the way through ‘The Terminator’ without making an inappropriate ‘Target Acquired: Latina Maid’ joke to The Wife.

And yet I legitimately cannot watch ‘Mean Girls’ without being distracted by the human shipwreck that is Lindsay Lohan. I cannot giggle at Michael Richards OTT entrances in any given ‘Seinfeld’ repeat. And I cannot suspend disbelief long enough to separate Percy Whitmore the villain from Doug Hutchison the… well…

Probably coulda just posted this picture and saved myself about 600 words, huh…

Why should one scandal weigh more heavily upon my psyche than another? Why should Lindsay’s slow, Winehousian descent be more distracting to me than Ah-nuld’s transgressions? Am I making unconscious, moral judgements? Am I on some level condoning Sheen’s ‘alleged’ physical abuse of (multiple) women, but condemning vacuous fame-whoring? Does this make me no better than the billions of ‘Two & a Half Men’ fans out there?

Ughhh… too much to ponder. I just wanted to watch a Tom Hanks movie featuring a ‘magical negro‘ character (conceived by a white writer, natch), death by electric chair, and an unnaturally long-lived mouse. 

So thanks, Doug… that’s one more neuroses to clutter up my brain, and one more DVD gathering dust and just taking up valuable space in my collection.

Which isn’t to say I gave up altogether on celebrating Duncan’s life in my own, small way…

Because hey… any day you manage to find time to watch The Rock and MCD motherflippin’ sword fight whilst simultaneously rocking some seriously bad-ass hair extensions… that, my friends, is a good day.

Which is my ridiculously long-winded way of saying you will be truly missed, Mr. Duncan.

And eat a bag of dicks, Mr. Hutchison.


The Evolution of Comedy is… Pranking?

June 13, 2012




Sigh… why do I start so many of these posts with a disgusted exhalation at the state of the world around me? WHY?!?!?!

I swear to you the only reason this story initially caught my attention was because it happened right around my neck of the woods in sunny Melbourne. Click the link above to read.

Key point here is that self-professed professional comedian and prankster Alki Stevens filmed the latest of his of rib-tickling pranks for YouTube, a skit where he dressed as a zombie and leapt out at unsuspecting passers-by.


I read about Stevens a while ago in our local newspaper, in a story that attempted to make an awfully big deal about the fact that he invented the internet craze ‘cone-ing’. Never heard of cone-ing? It’s where you buy an ice-cream cone from McDonalds, only to take it from the person serving you and hold it by the wrong end / start eating it in a bizarre fashion / stick it to your forehead / etc.

A business card idea for you, Mr. Stevens

As a ‘comedian’, I guess my first question for Mr. Stevens regarding his ability to jump on this zombie fad only… I don’t know… 3 or 4 years after the rest of the internet, would be… why?

More specifically?

What’s the point? What are you trying to say? What’s the ‘joke’ here? Is there even a joke? Is the joke merely to elicit some form of an instinctive response from people?

Even the worst comedy is about something. I’d buy you maybe grasping at straws, and trying to find your own humorous take on the sudden mainstream awareness / media coverage / fear of the walking dead after the now infamous ‘zombie’ attack in Miami a few weeks back… had you not gone to great pains in the story above to specifically say that the timing or any kind of link was purely coincidental.

So as far as I can tell, most of your work relies on people reacting to you doing craaaaazzzzyyyy, disgusting, or unexpected things.

Bravo. You are the fake dog poo of internet comedy.

“Think of all the intricate, well thought out pranks we could do with THIS!”

And on a side note: if I personally saw some fucktard zombie-shuffling after me (or a group of young schoolgirls… seriously you ass clown?!) while I was walking the dog, or leaving the shopping centre, or riding my bike, then yes – I’d punch him as a reflex. I’d punch him likely as hard as I possibly could.

And then I’d punch him again when I saw it was just some idiot with a handi-cam and some fake blood, playing dress-ups.

And then I’d punch him a third time. In the balls. Whilst filming it on my iPhone.

There. Am I an internet comedian and prankster now too?

Who knows… maybe I’m wrong and Alki Stevens really is a comic genius, a voice for his generation. What a shitty reflection on an entire generation that would be.

So, until someday soon when ‘Idiocracy’s’ satirical take on the future of comedy, ‘Oww My Balls’, actually becomes a reality, with its own YouTube channel and everything…

Enjoy your hi-larious pranking and internet comedy, Gen Y. 


Why 2Pac’s return could lead to the death of us all!

April 17, 2012

People are losing their shit over the hologram performance of Tupac Shakur at the Coachella music festival in California this week.



Or… maybe not.

Yep, impressive clip. Sweet performance. But let’s not assume this is the industry-changing moment some media outlets are portraying it as.

Why do I think this? Two words, folks.

Uncanny. Valley.

The uncanny valley theory says that when computer graphics or robotics are created and look almost but not quite perfectly human, the natural response is actually one of revulsion amongst human observers. It’s essentially the reason why those dead-eyed Japanese female sex robots are so stomach churning, why no one watches Robert Zemeckis movies any more, and why Megan Fox is finding it so hard to find work these days.

Wait... 'Megan Fox' is a real person?

Now, as cool as that 2Pac Resurrection appears to be, you’ll note that the companies behind the holographic projection are AV Concepts and Digital Domain. Digital Domain are the ones responsible for the digitally altered images of Brad Pitt in ‘The Curious Case of Benjamin Button’, of Jeff Bridges in ‘Tron Legacy’, and Rooney Mara in ‘The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo’.

Think back. How photo realistic do you remember their faces being in those films?

Not very, right?

Now check out that Coachella clip again.

That’s a hologram on a completely darkened stage, so we don’t see the image relative to anything else, but for Snoop Dogg (who is 14% human, 86% THC, reliable sources tell me).

How much of Pac’s face do you see?

It’s an advance in technology, sure. But not as great a leap as you might suspect. We’re not about to see major studios digitally insert, say, Marilyn Monroe into contemporary films just yet. And even if you could, why would you want them too? Aren’t there enough movies made about Monroe as it is? Do you really want to see a whacky Seth Rogen-Marilyn rom-com anytime soon?

He's a pot-addled slacker. She's a pill-addicted bombshell. Somehow they're going to have to work together if they want to make it through... 'REHAB'... in cinemas this Xmas.


Maybe I haven’t thought this through. Maybe this latest leap in technology isn’t completely harmless? It is the latest advancement from the founder of Digital Domain after all, the one and only James Cameron.

You know… the guy who pioneered the use of CG in ‘The Abyss’. The guy who created the 3D Fusion camera system. The guy who developed the technology to film deep-sea exploration missions during, and post, ‘Titanic’. The guy who revolutionised motion-capture performance in ‘Avatar’.

The guy who made a movie about mankind over-developing robotics and tech until it inevitably became sentient and wiped us all out.

My fennnncce!!!!!

Wow. OK…

So maybe this whole 2Pac-Tech IS a bigger deal than I first realized…

Until next time, I’m just on my way to the supermarket to buy as much bottled water and non-perishable food as I can load into the car. Whilst weeping listening to ‘California Love’ on repeat.

What have you done, Dre? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!


We Need to Talk About Whitney

February 13, 2012

1963 - 2012

So, are we ready to talk about Whitney yet?

Like Amy Winehouse, this had that horrible feeling of inevitability. Whitney Houston had the voice of a generation, and yet aged only 48, she becomes the new poster child when it comes to destroying god given talent with drug abuse.

Dozens of musicians influenced by Houston expressed their grief at her passing the only way they knew how… via Twitter, of course (“What a tragedy! Let me tell how you this effects #ME”).

The pre-Grammy’s party she was meant to attend at the Beverly Hilton Hotel? Well, sure… it proceeded as planned, but they DID move it to a different area of the hotel, right?

The Grammy Awards themselves quickly became a sombre, tasteful evening, where high profile guests momentarily shrugged off their own all consuming need for the spotlight, choosing instead to show some respect for the memory of…

This fucking fruit loop is a 'Nicki Minaj', apparently


Rather than regurgitate any more of the innumerable articles about her gospel influences, or the destructive influence of Bobby Brown, or that “Crack is whack” interview, I’ll leave with perhaps the best way to remember Whitney Houston – an example of a peerless female vocallist in her prime (as suggested by The Age contributor, Clem Bastow):


Whitney is survived by her daughter, Kristina Bobbi Brown.


Amy Winehouse 1983-2011

July 24, 2011

The 27 Club has a new member…

Amy Winehouse was found dead overnight in her London apartment, from what police are still calling “unknown causes”.

Hmm… where’s a News of the World journalist when you need one to hack her phone and fill us in on the last dealer she called?

Sad perhaps, but no great shock – the poor woman has been committing a long, slow case of suicide in front of a paparazzi lens for years it seems. If the anti-drug lobby ever wanted a new, note-perfect case study, they sure as hell have one in Winehouse.

But how could anyone have seen this coming???

For my part, I blame Pete Doherty. But then, I blame Pete Doherty for every drug-related crime in the U.K (cue the ‘Try to make me go to Rehab’ jokes).

A prodigious talent who could have made so much more of herself, here’s a reminder of Winehouse at her peak:

A reminder kids: just say no to crack, cocaine, heroin, ecstasy and valium.

Definitely just say no to taking them all at the same time, at least.

Amy Winehouse, dead, at 27 years of age.

Her beehive hairdo was 6.

Rest in peace, Amy.




I think what God MEANT to say…

May 24, 2011

To be fair, he DOES look old enough to have had a face-to-face convo with the Almighty at some point

Good news folks:

The Rapture, as predicted by Californian preacher Howard Camping, didn’t happen last Saturday night after all.

The bad news?

Well, after slightly miscalculating this particular date, as he did once previously in 1994, Camping is 100%-Sure-For-Realsies-This-Time that it will now take place on October 21st (about 5 months from now).

Which I’m sure is a huge comfort to those true believers that did shit like cash in all their savings or sell their homes last week, because… you know… who needs money once YOU’VE been saved and the world’s ending?


Of far greater concern to me was the death on Friday of one of my childhood heroes, wrestling icon “Macho Man” Randy Savage.

Hmmmm… the Macho Man dies, and one day later the Rapture is averted… coincidence????


So, to the man of the hour, too sweet to be sour, funky like a monkey… OHHHHH YEAHHHHHHHHH!

Rest in Peace, Randy – you’ll be missed.


Infiltrating a Cinema Near You

May 16, 2011

Note to self: THIS is how you build a multimedia empire, dipshit…


from Dark

Remember Monkey…

Daring & timely business strategy + death of the world’s most notorious terrorist + clever marketing


Screw Space Mountain, who’s ready for the Haunted Abbottabad Mansion?