Archive for the ‘Music’ Category

Crystal Clear Lines

June 17, 2013

Was at a friend’s house yesterday when they alerted me to the music video for Alan Thicke’s son’s latest sexy jam, ‘Blurred Lines’.

What? This?

What’s the big deal?

Well, that’s the CENSORED version of the clip, guys. HEAVILY censored.

THIS is the future of music videos:

Congrats guys, we did it! We finally killed any sense of sub-text or implied sexuality in mainstream pop!

** fist pump **

Strap yourself in folks, and place your bets… how long until the equivalent of this unrated vid becomes the norm, playing on your commercial television station each weekend?

I’m saying 5 years. If I had kids I might be worried about ’em.

And if a frog had wings he wouldn’t bump his ass when he hops…

BPM

 

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I find your lack of faith… yadayadayada

February 12, 2013

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Pope Benedict XVI resigns his position as head of the papacy. The Catholic Church is left reeling. World is shocked.

Internet explodes.

And yet, in the past month alone the internets has exploded MULTIPLE times… over the Grammy’s, a blackout at the Superbowl, whether Beyonce lip-syncs or not, the news that JJ Abrams will control the hearts and minds of both Star Wars AND Trek fans, and the revelation that every professional athlete anywhere is probably maybe taking something…

24 hour news cycle, baby.

My tip for the next biggest news story of all time?

Beyonce is elected the next Pope, but only after a power failure at Vatican City means the papal conclave is forced to release fake white smoke from their chimneys. The smoke is later revealed to contain traces of HGH, Beyonce resigns after a week in disgrace, only to then be cast as both Lieutenant Uhura in the next Star Trek film and the ass-kicking descendent of Mace Windu in Star Wars episodes 7-9.

The force is... umm... strong? With this one?

The force is… umm… strong? With this one?

And even THAT’S only gonna tide us over for a week. At best.

Wake me when the zombie apocalypse finally happens, won’t you? Now THAT’S news.

BPM

 

Umm… I think we’re missing someone?

December 13, 2012

‘SIR PAUL McCARTNEY FRONTS NIRVANA REUNION’

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from ninemsn.com.au

Nirvana… reunion?

Not without some serious smelling salts and a bicycle repair kit, Sir Paul…

With that being said, this WAS for a good cause, a fundraising concert for victims of Superstorm Sandy in New York (and only New York, cos fuck the rest of the east coast, that’s why!)

Of course, Courtney Love was immediately asked for her take on this. She was, as you might have imagined, not impressed, apparently saying of McCartney’s involvement “Look, if John (Lennon) were alive it would be cool.”

She then screamed she was a little teapot, that her eyeballs were growing fingers, and that light globes have feelings, before fleeing into the night, accompanied by a frog farting the alphabet.

If you have an iconic band you’d like Sir Paul to reform, he’s contactable at:

http://www.thisisforallthosetimesyouaskedmeifthebeatleswouldgetbacktogether.com

Until next time, a reminder that the walrus was Paul…

BPM

Trial by Facebook

September 10, 2012

This popped up in my Facebook feed over the weekend.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Social Media Jury, see exhibit A:

Now… what’s scarier?

a) The possibility that this rumour about hellspawn boy-band One Direction could actually be true? Or…

b) That almost 400,000 Facebook users (as of Saturday) were willing to ‘Like’ a status (with no context or details or any supporting evidence), which purports to have been posted by a FICTIONAL CHARACTER.

Or is it c) that if you Google any combination of ‘One Direction’, ‘Girl’ & ‘Cancer’, you get a shit-ton of links to fan fiction I’m wayyyyyy too scared to click on.

The world we live in, folks.

BPM

Nuptuals of Awesome

August 30, 2012

“I thought you said the dress code was semi-formal?”

I was lucky enough to attend the wedding of a close friend last weekend, which was many barrels o’fun.

There was laughter. There were tears. There was me, a member of the bridal party, somehow quickly establishing a weird passive-aggressive relationship with the official wedding photographer (no, seriously).

There were some very emotional speeches, followed by an energetic rendition of the Zorba dance by dozens of the Greek family members in attendance. There was cake. There were children mindless running around the dance floor periphery alllll night, round and round, over and over (in Australia, we call this ‘Circlework’… or at least I do).

But what’s one of the key things that will make this wedding stick out in my mind for years to come?

It’s the fact that as the bride and groom were preparing to leave, and as all of the guests were dutifully assembling in a large circle on the dance floor, my ears pricked up at a different song choice to what I was expecting.

Was it Michael Buble? Shania Twain? Celine Dion? The Vengaboys?

‘fraid not. One of my pals (the esteemed Benjamin the Donkey) turned to me and remarked, as shocked as I was, ‘That sounds like the Axis of Awesome!’

My first reaction was that it couldn’t be… could it?

But it was. My buddy and his beautiful new bride had exhibited taste par excellence by deciding that ‘4 Chords’ was going to their go-home track at the end of the night.

Awesome… a whole Axis full of Awesome.

Which is not to say that I didn’t manage to almost ruin the moment. After all, I’m good at that kind of thing.

The newlyweds were hugging it out with family and friends across the room as Benjamin and I revelled in singing aloud along to the dozens of songs used in 4 Chords, all the way through until we reached ‘Superman’ by Five for Fighting (about 5:10 into the clip above).

Whose original lyric goes “I’m more than a bird, I’m more than a plane, I’m more than some pretty face beside a train”.

Which is substituted by the AoA with “I’m more than a bird, I’m more than a plane, I’m a birdplane. A birdplane, a motherfucking birdplane”.

A smart man would have realised that perhaps at a family-friendly wedding the DJ might choose to mute this particular moment in the song.

And an even moderately intelligent man would not have belted this line out at the top of his lungs regardless.

Oops.

Luckily this moment of momentous dumbitude was lost amidst the joyous drunken cuddlery around me. But even still… *shakes head*

Should you want to hire me to ruin one of your memorable moments in front of dozens of people, feel free to leave a comment below! I am available for children’s parties… at least I am so long as no-one lets the cops know I’m within 50 feet of the kids.

You know how it goes.

Congratulations J & R!

BPM

Carly Rae Cookie Monster

July 10, 2012

Because I’m now so old that I invariably prefer the Sesame Street / Muppet parody version to practically ANY Top 40 pop song.

If you can find me another contemporary musician that can successfully rhyme ‘Snickerdoodle’, maybe I’ll reconsider.

Maybe.

BPM

A Monkey’s Lament

June 25, 2012

Hi!

A refresher course about ME:

I am pop culture obsessed. I write about any number of things. I blog about bad TV, and awesome movies. I document a generation singularly focussed on the trappings of celebrity, and the occasional kooky news story. I sling metaphorical monkey faeces at modern-day monsters, and enjoy photoshopped images of Velociraptors. 

I own a small, obscure corner of the internet (and that’s just the way I like it) where I rail at my oh-so-many petty grievances.

And I do it for YOU, dear reader. All 6 of you. Or at least that’s what my WordPress stats tell me.

Except for the past few Tuesday’s. On Tuesday’s my readership experiences quite a bump. 2 weeks ago that meant over 2000 visitors to this site in 1 day.

What did I write? What sparkling prose attracted so many new friends? What kind of spectacular insight had I offered into the human condition that resonated so with this new audience?

Not a damn thing.

No, the reason Tuesday is my good news day is solely because of this…

And the dozen or so variants of ‘Lara’ & ‘Bingle’ & ‘Nude’ people subsequently typed into Google Images, which led them right here.

Where there are NO pictures of Lara Bingle nude, I might add. There is one post that touched on the Lara Bingle / Brendan Fevola camera-phone incident a few years back. Apparently that’s all it takes.

THAT is a reality check.

Tim Minchin expressed what I’m feeling far more cleverly (and musically) than I ever could. Ladies and gentlemen, a reminder of the limitations inherent in trying to express yourself artistically in any way on the interwebs:

BPM

‘The Voice’ KNOWS hyperbole!

May 8, 2012

I call the guy on the left ‘Urban Warfare’

A quick note on the Australian television juggernaut that IS ‘The Voice’, and in particular this week’s Battle round, where contestants will battle one another in a series of head-to-head battles in a battle to see who can use the word battle more in their allotted 8-10 minute segment.

 

bat·tle

Noun   A sustained fight between large, organized armed forces.

 

Waterloo. Gettysburg. Normandy. Gallipoli. Thermopylae. Helm’s Deep. These were battles. Two back up singer’s doing shitty covers of Rihanna songs I don’t even want to hear Rihanna sing? Meh… notsomuch.

I have to assume that the whole ‘battle’ concept is the red-headed stepchild of what ‘The Voice’s producer’s think a ‘rap battle’ is.

“I got the moves like Jagger, I got the moooooooooooves like Jagger… OK, now your turn!”

But… rap battles (as far as I, the whitest man in Melbourne, am aware) stereotypically consist of 2 angry young men dropping tasty rhymes about their own incredible sexual prowess and penis size whilst simultaneously denigrating the prowess/penosity of their opponent. There’s an innate sense of aggression and conflict there. Two middle-aged guys over-singing the shit out of Coldplay? Where’s the conflict in that?

For the record, Chris Martin ranks a zero on the Penosity Scale

As part of my job I’m privy to the primetime ratings of Australian free-to-air TV every morning, and ‘The Voice’ is managing to sustain a huuuugggeeee audience night after night. Basic rule of thumb is that if any show in the evening time slot has a million viewers, then it’s doing well.

‘The Voice’ is doing more than double that. Every. Single. Episode.

And once again, I don’t get it, and I wonder how much longer it can continue to draw such a large audience. Because once the novelty has worn off (Spinny chairs! Seal! Maybe Delta Goodrem’s a robot!), aren’t you left with the same Achilles heel every show of its ilk has?

That essentially you’re just watching amateur musicians sing adequate live cover versions of songs you can watch the original artist sing much better anytime you feel like it on Youtube?

But what about the human drama of it all, Monkey?

Ughhh… all just so much artifice. When ‘human drama’ consists almost exclusively for every contestant of either:

  1. i) They’re chasing their dream, one they’d almost given up on before kids / marriage / a serious accident,
  2. ii) They, or a close relative (ideally a parent), are dealing with Cancer, and they’re doing it for them, or
  3. iii) They need to learn to believe… (wait for it) in themselves…

Then you can count me out.

If I’m going to force myself to watch any reality television show at the moment, it’ll probably be ‘The Block’, purely because it’s managing to combine the perils and everyday nightmare of home renovation with a degree of cruelty and Phillip Zimbardo-esque psychological trauma that you just don’t find in scripted drama these days.

Sure you have to rebuild this entire house in 5 days with your bare hands and go 60 hours with no sleep, but it could be worse… you could have to compete in a ‘battle’ with the couple next door and sing “Lady Marmalade”…

Side note: As I’ve said before, I work in and around the periphery of television drama. And you have no idea how much the viewing habits of most of the people responsible for scripted drama in this country seems to exclusively revolve around shows like ‘The Voice’, rather than ‘Mad Men’, or ‘Breaking Bad’, or ‘Game of Thrones’.

I guess if I really want to be able to discuss whether Stannis Baratheon is the man for the Iron Throne, or the sense of morality of a Don Draper, I’m going to have to try to finagle my way into working on a reality television show instead.

God help me…

BPM

Why 2Pac’s return could lead to the death of us all!

April 17, 2012

People are losing their shit over the hologram performance of Tupac Shakur at the Coachella music festival in California this week.

Observe:

HE’S BACK! IT’S SOOOO REALISTIC! DOCTOR DRE CAN RESURRECT RAP ARTISTS NOW! THE DEAD HAVE RETURNED, AND SOON THEY’LL BE TOURING! PROBABLY WITH SPOOKY HOLOGRAM ENTOURAGES! WHAT WILL THEY PUT ON THEIR SPOOKY HOLOGRAM TOUR RIDERS?! WILL THEY DEMAND HUMAN GROUPIE SACRIFICES? WHO’S NEXT? SHIIITTTTTT!!!!!!!

Or… maybe not.

Yep, impressive clip. Sweet performance. But let’s not assume this is the industry-changing moment some media outlets are portraying it as.

Why do I think this? Two words, folks.

Uncanny. Valley.

The uncanny valley theory says that when computer graphics or robotics are created and look almost but not quite perfectly human, the natural response is actually one of revulsion amongst human observers. It’s essentially the reason why those dead-eyed Japanese female sex robots are so stomach churning, why no one watches Robert Zemeckis movies any more, and why Megan Fox is finding it so hard to find work these days.

Wait... 'Megan Fox' is a real person?

Now, as cool as that 2Pac Resurrection appears to be, you’ll note that the companies behind the holographic projection are AV Concepts and Digital Domain. Digital Domain are the ones responsible for the digitally altered images of Brad Pitt in ‘The Curious Case of Benjamin Button’, of Jeff Bridges in ‘Tron Legacy’, and Rooney Mara in ‘The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo’.

Think back. How photo realistic do you remember their faces being in those films?

Not very, right?

Now check out that Coachella clip again.

That’s a hologram on a completely darkened stage, so we don’t see the image relative to anything else, but for Snoop Dogg (who is 14% human, 86% THC, reliable sources tell me).

How much of Pac’s face do you see?

It’s an advance in technology, sure. But not as great a leap as you might suspect. We’re not about to see major studios digitally insert, say, Marilyn Monroe into contemporary films just yet. And even if you could, why would you want them too? Aren’t there enough movies made about Monroe as it is? Do you really want to see a whacky Seth Rogen-Marilyn rom-com anytime soon?

He's a pot-addled slacker. She's a pill-addicted bombshell. Somehow they're going to have to work together if they want to make it through... 'REHAB'... in cinemas this Xmas.

However…

Maybe I haven’t thought this through. Maybe this latest leap in technology isn’t completely harmless? It is the latest advancement from the founder of Digital Domain after all, the one and only James Cameron.

You know… the guy who pioneered the use of CG in ‘The Abyss’. The guy who created the 3D Fusion camera system. The guy who developed the technology to film deep-sea exploration missions during, and post, ‘Titanic’. The guy who revolutionised motion-capture performance in ‘Avatar’.

The guy who made a movie about mankind over-developing robotics and tech until it inevitably became sentient and wiped us all out.

My fennnncce!!!!!

Wow. OK…

So maybe this whole 2Pac-Tech IS a bigger deal than I first realized…

Until next time, I’m just on my way to the supermarket to buy as much bottled water and non-perishable food as I can load into the car. Whilst weeping listening to ‘California Love’ on repeat.

What have you done, Dre? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!

BPM

Han Solo… rogue… pirate… backup dancer?

April 12, 2012

Ughhh…

I’m TRYING to be more positive. I’m TRYING not to let this kind of shit get to me. I’M TRYING!!!!!!!!

From the new Star Wars Kinect XBox360 game.

Prepare yourself:

Yep. That just happened.

Eat a big steaming bowl of dick, George Lucas.

BPM