Archive for the ‘Religion’ Category

I find your lack of faith… yadayadayada

February 12, 2013


Pope Benedict XVI resigns his position as head of the papacy. The Catholic Church is left reeling. World is shocked.

Internet explodes.

And yet, in the past month alone the internets has exploded MULTIPLE times… over the Grammy’s, a blackout at the Superbowl, whether Beyonce lip-syncs or not, the news that JJ Abrams will control the hearts and minds of both Star Wars AND Trek fans, and the revelation that every professional athlete anywhere is probably maybe taking something…

24 hour news cycle, baby.

My tip for the next biggest news story of all time?

Beyonce is elected the next Pope, but only after a power failure at Vatican City means the papal conclave is forced to release fake white smoke from their chimneys. The smoke is later revealed to contain traces of HGH, Beyonce resigns after a week in disgrace, only to then be cast as both Lieutenant Uhura in the next Star Trek film and the ass-kicking descendent of Mace Windu in Star Wars episodes 7-9.

The force is... umm... strong? With this one?

The force is… umm… strong? With this one?

And even THAT’S only gonna tide us over for a week. At best.

Wake me when the zombie apocalypse finally happens, won’t you? Now THAT’S news.




Screw you Apatow – This is 32*

September 20, 2012

*Or, you know, maybe not. I have nothing against Judd Apatow. Not even the fact that he’s personally responsible for Katherine Heigl’s movie career. Sometimes you just need a title, and “The Introspective Ponderings of a Self-Loathing Potential Narcissist” seemed a LITTLE heavy…  

“Sigh… and then what did Kim Kardashian say?”

It will come as no surprise to anyone that’s ever read my drivel to know that I’m far too obsessed with all the wrong shit. I’d love to spend my days entrenched in conversation about philosophical concepts beyond the comprehension of 98.4% of the general population. It’d be great to have an extensive knowledge of the history of Baroque music. And I have no doubt that spending hours conducting exhaustive research for the thesis I’d someday write about the geo-politics of Australasian territories… that’d be swell.

However, what also will come as very little surprise to you, is that I ain’t that smart.

Not as smart as I’d like to be. Not as smart as I pretend to be. Not even as smart as I’d settle on being.

And so, rather than high-minded pursuits, my attention is dragged to what is basically the ephemera of world news. I’m so focussed on the algae resting atop the aquarium, that I never even notice the tropical fish below.

A point made doubly true by the fact that I know so little of algae, or of tropical fish, that my clumsy metaphor might be complete bullshit.

Just be thankful this is a picture of an actual aquarium… I’ll bet a million dollars someone somewhere uses ‘Dirty Aquarium’ as a sexual euphemism


So in the past week, I’ve been swamped by the kind of stories that would normally constitute their own posts here at the BPM.

There was the leaked video of Mitt Romney at a private dinner, where he told potential donors at a fund-raiser that approximately 47% of Americans believed they were entitled to things like food, or health care, and that “…my job is not to worry about those people. I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives”.

There was a kind of international moral litmus test involving the topless photos taken of Kate Middleton, as she and Prince William  sunbathed at a private château in France. The argument for publishing is encapsulated in this quote from Danish magazine Se of Hoer: “It is in the DNA of Se og Hoer that we should entertain and fulfil our readers’ curiosity. Therefore it is always relevant for us when a duchess and future queen of England is topless and voluntarily shows her breasts near a public road”.

And then there is the counter argument, that photo’s taken of a private estate from over a kilometre away, of the wife of a Prince whose mother died as she was being chased by paparazzi, might not be totes cool. For the record, thus far the British, American’s and Australian’s have chosen to err on the side of “Dude… really?!?”, as the Dane’s, Italian’s and French maintain their stance of “Hooray for boobies!”.

There was the initially peaceful protest by Muslims in Sydney’s Hyde Park, revolving around the now infamous American amateur film posted on YouTube which mocks Muhammed. As absolutely no one could’ve predicted, it swiftly got wayyyy out of hand. There was the image of a 4-year-old holding a sign that read ‘Behead All Those Who Insult The Prophet’. There was his mother, who upon being investigated by police, insisted that she didn’t know what the word ‘behead’ meant. And, of course, the inevitable online rush of white, middle-class, anglo ‘real’ Aussies to join Facebook groups represented by pictures like this one:

Don’t rush to judgement, the bottom word there has more syllables than any other word in his entire vocabulary

There was the vote in Australian parliament on the possibility of legalising gay marriage, where Liberal senator Cory Bernardi, a close ally of Tony Abbott, was forced to resign from his position after controversially phrasing his objection to gay marriage as follows: “The next step … is having three people that love each other be able to enter into a permanent union endorsed by society, or four people… There are even some creepy people out there, who say that it’s OK to have consensual sexual relations between humans and animals. Will that be a future step?”

Wow… all this is too heavy, Monkey. What about something to lighten the mood?

Well, there was ex-child star Amanda Bynes yet again throwing down the gauntlet to Lindsay Lohan, by continuing to unravel in public… you know, if you call driving on a suspended licence, multiple hit-and-run incidents, and driving whilst smoking pot unravelling. Lindsay responded by (of course) tweeting…
 … only to ‘allegedly’ hit a man in New York less than a week later, trying to park her car outside a hotel. Whilst under the influence, natch.

Now, the REAL challenge here… how does one create some kind of tangential link between such a disparate group of stories?

Well, how about this – they all elicited more or less the exact same kind of reaction from me. A reaction that kind of went something like this…

Sighing. Slumping of shoulders. Shaking of head. Curse word. Acceptance.

That’s in real-time, too.

I’ve officially finally reached the point of apathy where it’s almost impossible to legitimately feel any sense of outrage at the kind of source material that drives most of this blog. I emphasise the word legitimate, because I, like so many people, can still manufacture outrage well enough on occasion. But real emotion?

I suppose on one hand this is potentially a healthy development for me. Why should I give a shit (or indeed, quite so many shits) about these strangers, whose lives will never really intersect with mine on any level whatsoever? Shouldn’t this free up some psychic real estate that can now revolve around newer, healthier thoughts and obsessions? Like Baroque, philosophy, theses… you know… all that shit?

Baroque Art… kind of like an album cover for the band ‘Live’ circa 1995

Perhaps. I don’t know yet. I do know that more and more often I’m seeing no resolution to a raft of world issues as disparate as the Australian political stance on gay marriage, or anglo-Islamic relations, the intrusiveness of the papparazzi, or… Lindsay Lohan… no resolution except for “Well, what are you going to do except wait and hope for generational change?”.

Which still feels like a cowards way out to me, on many levels. Sure, I still believe in the causes that I believe in. I can call out bigotry, or prejudice, or the evils of Twitter, celebrity stupidity and entitlement. But even as I’m doing so, I increasingly find myself thinking that the only hope we have is that the next generation of Button Pushing Monkeys grow up in a society incrementally less hateful towards homosexuals, incrementally less divided by religion and culture, incrementally more respectful, and hopeful, and… better?

I’m still a young man. But I can admit that as far back as I can remember I’ve always been (perhaps to a degree that’s unhealthy) a cynic. Is this just what passes for hope as we get older? I’m interested in others opinions.

Perhaps in this world the most important thing is retaining any kind of hope at all.

It was Stephen King that said “Remember, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies”.

And I hope that’s true.

Thanks for bearing with me this long down the rabbit-hole/ up my own ass, folks. I promise our usual dick’n’fart joke broadcast will resume shortly.


Out Of The Mouths Of Children

May 31, 2012

Want me to ruin your day with a single video clip?

If so, then check out this story about a small child singing in front of his congregation at the Apostolic Truth Tabernacle Church in Greensburg, Indiana.

Then press play.

Sigh… just fucking sigh…

It’s just the latest in a series of stories like these about such inspiring, loving Christian communities and values that make me glad I’m a Pastafarian.

“And he saw that it was Fettucine. And it was good”




April 10, 2012

Belated Easter-time blessings to each and every one of you. To paraphrase the immortal Bill Hicks, I hope you all commemorated the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling your children that a giant bunny rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night.  

A new post is on the way, but until then a handy reminder for y’all, at this most holy time o’ the year, of what is truly important…


Another reason why Patton Oswalt rules

November 23, 2011

Because yes, you CAN make me stand in the background of the opening scene of this ep of ‘The King of Queens’, AND give me absolutely nothing to do…

Just don’t be surprised if when you do, I stand there like a motionless cypher, tripping balls through a parallel galaxy that’s allll in my mind.

Check out from 0:34 to about 1:26 of that clip.


For a slightly better representation of Patton’s comedy stylings, maybe give this clip a whirl:

Ahhh, the ol’ sky cake dodge…


Monkey Musings: ‘Red State’

October 19, 2011

I was lucky enough last week to catch a screening of Kevin Smith’s new film ‘Red State’ at The Astor here in Melbourne. For those of you who have never visited The Astor, I’d urge you to go. One of the last of the classic old theatre’s in Melbourne, it comes complete with booze, a swaggering herd of gen-u-wine cinephiles, and it’s own honest-to-God resident Astor cat (named Marzipan, apparently). Just the kind of traditional, cozy, comforting environment to see one of the weirdest, most discomforting films of 2011.

Now, first thing’s first, I’m a big Kevin Smith fan. Huge. Watching ‘Clerks’ for the first time was a formative experience in my life. I’ve seen all his flicks. I listen to his podcasts. I have a Silent Bob bobblehead in my home. I’m even one of the 9 people in Victoria who paid hard currency to see ‘Cop Out’ at the cinemas.

So with that in mind, yes, I’m probably inclined to be quite generous in my reviews of all things Smithian. You have been forewarned.

I’d heard a lot about ‘Red State’ prior to seeing the flick, about the making of, about Michael Parks’ incredible performance, about Smith’s decision at the Sundance Film Festival to self-distribute the movie, and about his many colourful run-in’s with the Phelps family, upon whom several characters in this film are based. And yes, I could quite easily have watched an illegal download of this film weeks ago. But something told me this was a flick that would play much better if experienced with an audience.

I’m glad I waited.

Michael Parks as Abin Cooper

Because ‘Red State’ offers what so few movies do these days – the chance to get lost in a film where you have little to no idea where the narrative might be going next. There’s definitely an ominous sense of foreboding, and in your heart of hearts you’ll know that this story cannot end well, but beyond that… ? It takes storytelling chances, never being afraid to make a reversal or even to kill off a character who only seconds before you were sure was finally going to be OK.

It’s brutal, without ever crossing the line into ‘Hostel’ styled gore-nography. It’s honest in its depiction of human nature. And it’s somehow horribly, horribly believable (thanks again, Westboro Baptist Church).

And best of all, it’s the kind of movie that’ll not only make you think, but will stick in your mind for days afterwards. This isn’t the movie-going experience that I believe Stephen King once described as a ‘popcorn fart’ – all noise and no smell. This is… well… lets just leave it at that before we devolve into a few hundred words on some other more suitable fart-related analogy, shall we?

I’m not going to say it’s the best Kevin Smith movie, or even my favourite. But it’s an impressive left-turn in the final stages of Smith’s filmmaking career, and is damn sure worth checking out.

Because in a world where we can now look forward to a ‘Transformers 4’ & ‘Transformers 5’ very soon, I’ll take all the weird, undefinable, genre-bending cinema I can get.


Gay Couples – more EVIL than Skeletor, Voldemort and Hitler COMBINED!!!

August 18, 2011

BEHOLD! The Beast with two backs, and a million eyes... and... superb comedic timing...

Alternate title:

The informed opinions of Miss Rebecca Hagelin, or Why it’s becoming next to impossible to take a ‘Conservative’ seriously

I’ll apologize now… the remainder of this post is Neil Patrick Harris-free. Til next time, NPH!

Australian parliament reconvened this week after winter holidays, and day uno managed to provide 2 equally amusing highlights:

1) Tony Abbott speaking at an anti-Carbon Tax demonstration, reminded his flock that it was up to all MPs to be civil and exercise a “calming influence”

2) An officially sanctioned event run inside Parliament House’s Great Hall entitled “National Marriage Day”, featured a speaker claiming that Gay Marriage could lead to a complete breakdown in society, and the eventual legalization of marriages between paedophiles and children.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Rebecca Hagelin:

A conservative columnist, author & political commentator from the U.S, Rebecca was the keynote speaker at National Marriage Day, and is a vice president of The Heritage Foundation ( whose vision is to “Create an America where freedom, opportunity, prosperity and civil society flourish.”

Which seems odd, when you hear her say that there is “no greater evil” than the forces who propose to legalize gay marriage, and that we are in a “war for the future of the human race”.

Because apparently, if we legalize gay marriage then we open a door where anything can be called marriage, including polygamy and paedophilic relationships.


Wait, it gets better.

Also attending the function were some of our very own MP’s, such as Bob Katter and (sigh) Barnaby Joyce.

Bob was kind enough to describe gay marriage as “a proposition that deserves to be laughed at and ridiculed”.

That’s right, this dude…

… thinks YOUR monogamous relationships are ridiculous, gay community!

You just know that there are plenty of rational, even-tempered folk out there who consider themselves generally ‘conservative’, who shake their head when they see people like Rebecca Hagelin wheeled out to the media as a representation of “their opinions. It’s probably something akin to how your average Muslim feels about radical extremists, or how Christian’s feel about the Westboro Baptist Church, or Anders Breivik.

Anyhoo, where were we?

Once again the same old tropes were wheeled out:

  • Marriage is solely an institution to be entered into by a man and a woman…
  • It’s goal is to produce children and to create a loving, family environment…
  • Homosexuals are irresponsible, drug-taking floozies by nature, who have been known to either devour newborn babies whole, or alternatively to sacrifice them upon makeshift altars to their almighty deity, Zuul
  • It’s Adam and EVE, not Adam and STEVE!!!

And so on…

I’ve had this conversation amongst members of my own family, who are quick to decry homosexual marriage as ‘unnatural’, primarily because a gay couple cannot naturally reproduce.

An honest question that I’ve never really received a satisfactory answer for:

Does this same condition apply to a man and a woman, should one of them be infertile, or unable to naturally conceive a child?

“The Bible says it’s wrong!”

The Bible is a 2000-year-old book that also says tattoo’s are wrong. And that slavery is hunky dory. And insists that by all rights I should have been turned into a pillar of table-salt many moons ago.

“A same-sex couple can NOT raise a healthy, well-adjusted child!”

See, my Dad works for the Child Support Agency, and from everything I hear, heterosexual life partners are not actually guaranteed a perfect, Cleaver-like home environment. Weird huh? I have news for you folks: there’s more than a few heterosexual couples out there that should have been sterilised a loonnngggg time before they exercised their god-sanctioned right to procreate. And yet, I’m still yet to see the rally held at Parliament House decrying marriage between a dumbshit man addicted to heroin and a dipshit woman who’s had 5 kids by 4 different fathers already…

“They’ll be asking for all kinds of compensation, and tax benefits, and…”

Wait – now gay marriage is a fiscal burden upon the national economy??? That’s why it shouldn’t be allowed???

“What about the baby sacrifice to Zuul?”

Well, maybe when Zuul insisted that you choose her form, NEXT TIME you choose Mr. Stay Puft instead of a baby-eating daemon from the abyss!

Wow... on second thoughts even Mr. Stay Puft looks like he just stepped off a float at the Sydney Mardi Gras, huh

But in all (kinda) seriousness…

Personally, I know a few a gay people, not many. I have no idea of what their lives are like, or what growing up was like for them, or any such shit.

What I do know is that the possibility of two men, or two women, in a loving, faithful relationship, wanting to get married…

That probably won’t lead to the complete breakdown of society.

Odds are it’ll be some hetero douchebag who takes care of that.

As always, I’m open to debate and/or criticism on this site. Remind me why I should be afraid of the scary homosexual couples one more time, and win a prize*!

Until next time, remember to love one another, no matter what miscellaneous genitalia you may possess,


* Prize yet to be finalized, at least until I finally track down that Bob Katter Swimsuit Calendar I’ve been searching for for oh so long now…

I think what God MEANT to say…

May 24, 2011

To be fair, he DOES look old enough to have had a face-to-face convo with the Almighty at some point

Good news folks:

The Rapture, as predicted by Californian preacher Howard Camping, didn’t happen last Saturday night after all.

The bad news?

Well, after slightly miscalculating this particular date, as he did once previously in 1994, Camping is 100%-Sure-For-Realsies-This-Time that it will now take place on October 21st (about 5 months from now).

Which I’m sure is a huge comfort to those true believers that did shit like cash in all their savings or sell their homes last week, because… you know… who needs money once YOU’VE been saved and the world’s ending?


Of far greater concern to me was the death on Friday of one of my childhood heroes, wrestling icon “Macho Man” Randy Savage.

Hmmmm… the Macho Man dies, and one day later the Rapture is averted… coincidence????


So, to the man of the hour, too sweet to be sour, funky like a monkey… OHHHHH YEAHHHHHHHHH!

Rest in Peace, Randy – you’ll be missed.


Terrorist Ringtones

February 1, 2011

I’ll cop to being more than a little morbid, sure, but you’ve GOT to admit there’s something pretty frigging funny about this story…


Terrorism only works with mobile phones built circa 2001...


That’s right – a radical religious (is there any other kind?) terrorist inadvertently blew herself up when she received a ‘Happy New Year’ spam text message on the mobile phone that was acting as her detonator.

Perhaps proof positive for all the atheists that just maybe there IS a God / Allah / Buddha / Jehovah / L.Ron out there, and that they DO have a sense of humour.

Or maybe not…


If Islamic male suicide bombers are suckered in by those 72 crispy clean virgins waiting for them in the afterlife, what are the female suicide bombers offered???


P.S – Any objections if I call my first funk-fusion-ska band ‘The Terrorist Ringtones’? No? Good…

Kevin Smith vs the W.B.C: If you can’t beat em’…

January 24, 2011

That's right... the guy who believes in 'Gretzky-ism' is the voice of reason here

A week ago the majority on this site agreed that the best way to tackle professional hate-mongers like the Westboro Baptist Church was to just ignore them.

Filmmaker Kevin Smith took a slightly different approach.

When Smith, who has an ongoing Twitter love/hate/I-fucking-despise-you relationship with Megan Phelps-Roper, learned that the Phelps Fruit Loops and their wacky band of sign-bearers planned on picketing his new film ‘Red State’ at the Sundance Film Festival, he decided upon a new plan of attack.

He’d plan to protest their protest with a picket line of his own.

See exhibit A:

Because ultimately what power can a sign that reads ‘God Hates Fags’ hold against these beauties, or a score of other signs held up by protest-protesters?

Signs like ‘I like Pop-Tarts!’, ‘God Loves Hugs’, or ‘Magnets: Who understands them?’.

Smith even made his call to arms official, posting a press release on his website, which you can read here.

And any peaceful protest that can stand in the face of irrational fear and hatred whilst invoking the mighty deities Thor, Zuul and Krom…

Is alright with me.