Archive for the ‘Sex’ Category

Crystal Clear Lines

June 17, 2013

Was at a friend’s house yesterday when they alerted me to the music video for Alan Thicke’s son’s latest sexy jam, ‘Blurred Lines’.

What? This?

What’s the big deal?

Well, that’s the CENSORED version of the clip, guys. HEAVILY censored.

THIS is the future of music videos:

Congrats guys, we did it! We finally killed any sense of sub-text or implied sexuality in mainstream pop!

** fist pump **

Strap yourself in folks, and place your bets… how long until the equivalent of this unrated vid becomes the norm, playing on your commercial television station each weekend?

I’m saying 5 years. If I had kids I might be worried about ’em.

And if a frog had wings he wouldn’t bump his ass when he hops…

BPM

 

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You know what would make this scene even funnier? OR the most pointless BPM post EVER!

September 5, 2012

Finally got some down time this weekend, so I settled in to watch ‘Wanderlust’.

For those of you who may have missed it, it’s a comedy starring Paul Rudd and Jennifer Aniston. A one-sentence pitch? “What if two inner city yuppies threw it all in and moved into a hippie commune?” Another one-sentence pitch? “What if Jennifer Aniston finally took her top off in a movie, but we blurred out her bosoobies?”

That’s right – neither of us appear to be particularly happy with the blurrage

Totally serviceable movie. Not hysterically funny, but worth my 90 minutes. I was willing to give it a chance because it’s from the same writer/director team that gave us ‘Role Models’, and features a bunch of their buddies from classic comedy series ‘The State’. One of whom is comedic character actor Joe Lo Truglio.

Joe’s had small roles in a bunch of movies the past few years, like ‘Superbad’, ‘Paul’, ‘I Love You, Man’ & ‘Role Models’. In this flick, he plays a nudist novelist (say that 3 times fast) named Wayne…

That’s right, eyes up Rudd…

… whose penis we see throughout the film repeatedly.

That it’s apparently a prosthetic makes no difference to this little black duck. As I sat there, trying not to stare at the Lo Truglio Monster, I could only think of one thing (yes, only one, I promise).

And that was that this is all Jason Segel’s fault.

Behold – a pictorial example of my desire to prove a point being overwhelmed by my refusal to post any more nudity on this site.

Yes, you Segel! You are your dangler in the first 5 minutes of ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’ started this comedy revolution! Since then I’ve been smacked across the face (METAPHORICALLY) with Jason Mewes’ junk in ‘Zack & Miri Make a Porno’, by Jason Biggs’ big’un in ‘American Reunion’, by Ken Jeong’s wang in ‘The Hangover’, and by Sasha Baron Cohen’s dicktator in… well… ‘The Dictator’.

All used to varying degrees of comic effect, sure. But still… really guys*???

One thing that all of these movies have in common is that they were all, of course, written and directed by men. Women have known for centuries about men and their obsession with dick jokes. It’s only now they can actually film them, put them up on the big screen in a mainstream commercial flick, and receive an MA rating, at worst.

Cocks on film… the 21st century take on the filmic fart joke.

That’s right, menfolk – we now live in an age where female nudity is carefully and tastefully obscured in movies, whilst where every second dumb comedy thrusts a dick and balls at us!

So to speak.

What is happppeeennniiinnngggg!??!?!?! Up is down! Black is White!

Overall crudity quotient -9%, funny animal quotient +13%

I may sound like I’m over-reacting now… but wait until this stuff permeates other movie genres. You ain’t gonna be laughing when Captain America and Iron Man literally have a dick-measuring contest in ‘Avengers 2’. Or maybe you will. I don’t know. Seems Robert Downey Jnr is a good enough actor to make anything work on screen these days.

I foresee the not too distant future, a day where I’m either a) running down the middle of the street screaming ala ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers’ (no, not the shit Nicole Kidman one), or b) ranting Charlton Heston-style…

…yelling “It’s Dicks! Modern Comedy is Dicks! You have to believe me!”

I’m ranting now, aren’t I? My high school Career Counsellor always said I’d end up unemployable, shamelessly ripping off old sci-fi movies in lieu of coming up with solid writing ideas of my own.

Well played, Miss Dobson.

Until next time kids, keep it clean and keep it in your pants.

I mean… keep your comedy… uhh… that is to say… not that you shouldn’t clean your… because obviously you should always… umm…

Oh, forget it.

BPM

* For the record – my tip for the next cinematic comedy todger flash? Russell Brand. Has to be, right?

Wha’ Happened?!?

July 20, 2012

It’s way too late to look surprised, Fred

The age of the internets, and the 24 hour news cycle… she giveth, and she taketh away…eth.

I’m a huge fan of Fred Willard’s improv work, especially his roles in various Christopher Guest films like ‘A Mighty Wind’ and ‘Best in Show’. Which is why it’s such a bummer to hear he was arrested this week for masturbating in an adult theatre in Los Angeles.

Before you immediately jump onboard the “Masturbating in an adult theatre?!?! How quaint” bandwagon, bear in mind the fact that Fred is 72 years old. Maybe working out how to traverse the world of internet porn is beyond his comprehension at this point. I know that whenever my Dad needs to update Mozilla Firefox I need to drive to his place and very slowly walk him through the clickies. And he’s 10 years younger than Willard.

Plus I guess when you really think about it, and take into account Fred’s age, you have to believe that this wasn’t a spur of the moment act. There’s probably a fair degree of planning and preparation that goes into… uhh… his ‘performance’. So in a way he’s lucky the police didn’t consider this a pre-meditated act.

It manages to qualify as one of the few sordid celebrity acts that I really didn’t need to know about. But in an age when we know all about Miley’s latest tattoo before the ink is even dry, what chance does anyone have of keeping their peccadilloes private anymore?

And no, I didn’t just use the word ‘peccadillo’ as a euphemism for Willard’s wang.

I think…

Am I suddenly yearning for a return to olden days, when tales of Hollywood Babylon-esque depravity were kept off the record, on the QT, and very hush hush? Probably not – if they were, what the hell would I write about? Am I simply allowing my affection for Fred Willard to cloud my customary Schadenfreude in celebrating the pratfalls and fuck-ups of the Lohan’s and Kardashian’s of the world?

I guess (cue Doogie Howser-music and typing sound effect) the lesson to be learned here is that the freedom to pick and choose which celebrities disgrace themselves in public is truly out of my hands.

But not out of Fred’s.

God damn it…

BPM

Out Of The Mouths Of Children

May 31, 2012

Want me to ruin your day with a single video clip?

If so, then check out this story about a small child singing in front of his congregation at the Apostolic Truth Tabernacle Church in Greensburg, Indiana.

Then press play.

Sigh… just fucking sigh…

It’s just the latest in a series of stories like these about such inspiring, loving Christian communities and values that make me glad I’m a Pastafarian.

“And he saw that it was Fettucine. And it was good”

BPM

 

How ‘Embarrassing Bodies’ RUINED television… for me at least…

May 23, 2012

My Australian brethren, you remember how excited we were about the introduction of more free-to-air digital TV channels? Channels with quirky, hastily thought-out names like ‘Gem’, and ‘OneHD’, and ‘7Mate’?

More content! More options for our viewing pleasure! Or, at the very least in the case of Channel 10 affiliate ‘One’, more fishing programs and ‘COPS’ reruns!

Well you know what? All those wonderful, wonderful digital channels?

You can keep ’em.

I was aimlessly flicking channels on Monday night whilst doing my teeth when I inadvertently stumbled upon the British reality/horror series, ‘Embarrassing Bodies’. For those who don’t know, ‘Embarrassing Bodies’ is a show about a team of medical specialists in the U.K doling out advice to people concerned they may be suffering from some kind of physical abnormality. An embarrassing body issue they’re too ashamed to show, or talk about, with their doctor (and yet they have no problems discussing said issue on television, apparently). Hence the clever title.

Of greater concern is the fact that most of these poor common folk really do need to be assured that, yes, an additional scrotum growing on the side of your stomach, or a pustulent neck-wound that’s been bleeding for 4 years, is probably something to be concerned about.

What… ? Do you think it’s noticeable? Can I still wear thongs?

Lumpy breasts. Distended testicles. Something called ‘retrograde ejaculation’. ‘Embarrassing Bodies’ covers it all. Which is why someone with a weak stomach, like myself, would do well to avoid the show like… well… like a bad case of retrograde ejaculation, I guess.

So… Monday night… mouth full of toothpaste, I’m flicking channels;

7Digital – some crappy ad for ‘Australia’s Got Talent’…

7Mate – ‘American Dad’ rerun…

4Me – infomercial for exercise equipment…

Gem – WHOA! Cue choking fit and anguished, minty-fresh squeals!

I’ve accidentally landed upon ‘Embarrassing Bodies’, with no mental prep time, and at the worst possible moment.

CANNOT post the picture that I saw on-screen. I wouldn’t do that to you, faithful reader. So let me try to use my words to paint a word picture.

It’s a clinical photographic still, probably used as a diagnostic tool. An extreme close-up photograph of a gaping vagina. Yes, gaping – the subject is considerate enough to make sure we see everything humanly possible from this vantage point. Now, when I say ‘gaping vagina’, I should also add this is a vagina in a state of… disrepair? It’s swollen, festering, and clotted with creamy gunk, from bow to stern.

And the title above this award-winning still, in bold, capital letters, just reads:

THRUSH

Pictured: A different kind of Thrush. Who has Syphilis

My initial reaction: What. The Fuck.

My second reaction: This is either that stupid ‘Embarrassing Bodies’ show, or the Anti-Smoking Lobby has really upped the stakes in those “Smoking can cause dental decay, mouth cancer, and THRUSH!” commercials.

My third reaction: What. THE FUCK?!?!

Now, while I do admit to having a weak tum tum, I ain’t squeamish. But close-ups of infected genitals at 9:45pm on a school night?

WRONG! WRONG WRONG WRONG! WRONG WAY DOWN WRONG STREET, RIGHT IN THE HEART OF WRONG TOWN!

So thank you, Gem, Channel 9 and the team at ‘Embarrassing Bodies’… whilst you may have managed to reassure me that I do not have either THRUSH! or a vagina, you’ve also made me as anxious on the remote control as a cat in room full of rocking chairs.

Don’t change the channel… what if ‘Go!’ is doing some sort of cross promotional special on rocking chairs that have Chlamydia?

They say that a man stripped of the ability to annoyingly speed-flick through channel after channel is no man at all.

I am broken.

Can anyone out there fix me?

BPM

And so this is Christmas

December 18, 2011

How do I know we’re getting close to the most wonderful time of the year?

When my junk email inbox has sequential emails that read:

eBay                                      Stocking stuffers for her this Xmas!!!

Weird porn spam              stuff HER stocking this xmas

See? Doesn’t it warm your heart to know just how hard people are working to spread good tidings and cheer this festive season?

And that no one’s dearest Christmas wish should be forgotten this December 25th – not even the weird, unwashed, socially awkward, lonely, emotionally damaged, yule-fetishizing, porn addicts out there. Which, for the record, I am most certainly not!

I happen to wash quite often.

BPM

 

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo… and the awesome hoodie… and vintage skinny jeans… and matte black nail polish… and…

October 28, 2011
We’re so unique and original, the six of us…

See if you can follow me here:

In 2010 Sony announces they’re moving forward with an American remake of Swedish novel / film ‘The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo’…
 
BOO!
 
They sign David Fincher to direct it.
 
YAY!
 
In the search for an actress to play the role of tortured (both literally and figuratively) protagonist Lisbeth Salander, names tossed around include Ellen Page, Natalie Portman… and Scarlett Johansson?
 
BOO!
 
Eventually they settle on Rooney Mara, pair her up with Daniel Craig, and get to shooting.
 
A few months ago we get this kickass trailer:
 
 
YAY!
 
And a surprisingly bold and controversial one-sheet poster design…
 

Double yay!

And then, just as you were starting to think maybe this whole American remake idea might truly be in keeping with original intent and spirit of the book…

‘H&M to release official Girl With The Dragon Tattoo clothes’

That’s right… a clothing collection with “the dark urban feel that defines” Lisbeth Salander.

That DEFINES Lisbeth Salander.

The main character of a novel whose original title in Swedish roughly translates to ‘Men Who Hate Women’.

A character who we learn:

  • As a child watched her father beat her mother until she received permanent brain damage
  • Was beaten at school by other, larger children, mostly boys
  • Was sent to Psychiatric Hospital for most of her youth by a corrupt male Doctor
  • Was raped and sodomized by her legal guardian as a young woman, and
  • Was almost murdered by a male serial killer who is revealed to have killed countless woman over several decades

Bear in mind that this is all in ‘Dragon Tattoo’, book ONE in Stieg Larsson’s Millennium trilogy.

And as someone who’s read all three… things don’t get a hell of a lot easier for Salander thereafter.

You're wondering where you can buy a pair of those gloves RIGHT NOW, aren't you?

I’m going to go out on a limb here, and assume that I personally am not part of the target demographic for this particular clothing line. And I’ve been more than willing to concede on this blog several times in the past that the female mind remains now, as ever, impenetrable to me.

But am I really supposed to believe that there are women out there who are skimming through paragraph after paragraph in the Millennium trilogy murmuring “Sodomy… yadayada… secret police… dadada… Stockholm… blahblahblah… come on, when it’s going to say what she’s wearing?!?!?!

If that’s enough to send you shopping ladies, then you should head out to your local Blockbuster and rent a copy of ‘The Accused’ this weekend – because Jodie Foster’s vintage retro skirt in that scene would look sooooo awesome with the right singlet and pair of flats! Right!

Right?

BPM

Dakota Fanning, Marc Jacobs, and the dying art of subtlety

September 19, 2011

Remember when fragrance advertising was all about granite jawed men with white business shirts open to reveal their chiselled pecs, and women with flawless ivory skin, wearing exotic ball gowns, running down flights of marble stairs?

They’d be shot in black and white, invariably set in some expensive hotel suite. There’d be an operatic music score, all for a scent with same vague but evocative name, like Obsession, or Insolence, or some such shit.

No?

Hmm… no, me neither.

I only ask because I saw this at my local pharmacy on the weekend. Take a good look.

 

A poster featuring a 17-year-old child-star…

In a delicate little pink dress…

With a large perfume bottle wedged firmly between her legs…

A bottle capped with a large blossoming pink and red rose…

Named Oh Lola!

Really???

You actually PAY people to come up with that ad campaign??? It’s not clever, it’s not alluring, it’s not sexy or artistic in any way, it’s just presenting a deliberately transgressive image purely for shock value. Why not just call it Dakota’s Fanny, and be done with it!

And no… HELL NO… I didn’t take a whiff of the sample fragrance card available. I was legitimately scared that the resultant olfactory experience might be EXACTLY what I was afraid of.

Lolita — sorry, Oh Lola! is available in stores now.

BPM

The Scarlett (Open) Letter

September 15, 2011
Another day, another nude scandal. The latest victim? Scarlett Johansson, whose phone / email / dream journal has reportedly been hackedby the same guy who allegedly stole passwords to over 50 celebrity accounts. 2 nude photos of Scarlett have been circulating around the net like crazy over the past 24 hours.

It’s a crime so serious that apparently ScarJo even has the FBI working on the case. That’s the Federal Bureau of Investigations. Because the only commodity the U.S economy has left is the dignity and integrity of their celebs, right?

It’s a pity she divorced the Green Lantern last year, he could’ve been really helpful right about now…

In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall corrupt this website…

Now, commonfolk like you, or me, or your grandpa, or that girl who works in accounts, taking happy snaps of their bizness is understandable, if a little fraught with peril.

And the rich and famous, chicks like Scarlett? She’s people too. She’s prone to the same errors of judgement as you or I. Throw in the fact that filming away from home for prolonged periods can mean weeks, and sometimes months, apart from your partner or spouse. So why not get the iPhone out of your handbag and MMS the one you love?

I mean I don’t partake myself, but I get it. It’s transgressive, it’s crossing a line, it’s naughty. The fact that it IS a little dangerous is what makes it so sexy, right?

Sure. Until your ex decides to upload your photo to http://www.sluttyexgirlfriends.com, or it accidentally gets sent to someone it shouldn’t. Or until some jerkoff hacks into your internet account.

Now, you or me – we’d probably be mortified. What if people I know saw it? What if my friends saw it? What if my employer saw it? What if my mother saw it!

Shitty repercussions would ensue. Very shitty repercussions. But repercussions which are, nonetheless, almost entirely personal.

But now lets say you’re Jessica Alba? Or Blake Lively? Or, as is the case today, Scarlett Johansson? Who everybody knows? Whose private lives we intrude upon constantly, thanks to television, gossip mags and (admittedly) sites like this one. Modern day Goddesses that live under the glare of these spotlights, who have made the concerted decision in their professional career (at least thus far) to NEVER appear naked on television or in a film.

A decision that probably cost Robert Rodriguez you do NOT want to know how much time and money in post-production on 'Machete'

Which is a smart call. But all of these photos that inevitably wind up getting leaked to the press? They’ve got one thing in common – they were ALL self-taken. All of them were the result of a decision, made for whatever reason, by Jess, Blake and Scarlett to take nude photos of themselves.

Maybe it’s just an ego thing that I can’t fathom. That these are women who live their entire lives in front of a lens, adored by millions, every movement recorded. They’re sex symbols, who have been objectified and worshipped for years now. Maybe there’s an inability NOT to be photographed, or recorded.

I don’t know…

What we do know is that Scarlett Johansson is a human being, and undoubtedly she’s embarrassed – her privacy has been violated, and she’d be hurting right now. And far be it from me to tell anyone else what to do in the bedroom, or in the privacy of their own home.

But maybe… just maybe… for the movie mega-stars, girls in year 10 and suburban housewives alike…

For the sake of your dignity AND your professional credibility, maybe settling for some good ol’ fashioned phone sex when you’re lonely ain’t so bad after all, huh?

Because I like looking at incredibly attractive women like Scarlett, sure. But hopefully I speak for one or two other men when I say that we can do without the digital age version of clandestinely peeping through your neighbours bedroom window.

Even if your neighbour does look like this.

BPM

Is Facebook Advertising profiling me?!?!?

September 10, 2011

We’ve all seen them… the annoying little ads that pop up on the right hand side of your Facebook page.

And I assume there must be SOME kind of algorithim in place that selects the ads. You list you’re engaged – you get wedding related services. You post about your favourite footy team – you get sports betting links.

Which is why I was more than a little confused / amused when I last looked and saw an advert with THIS text:

I Paid Off My Mortgage!

in 5 years, and became debt free. You can too! Find out how – Click here

Fair enough, Spam-bot. What I didn’t expect was to see THIS photo accompanying the ad:

OK… attractive bikini-clad girl on a yacht… she COULD be some kind of financial wizard. Maybe she HAS paid off her mortgage in 5 years… good for her, you say.

Only problem being is that I recognized the girl in this photo.

The story goes that about 3 years ago, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer was sensationally removed from office. During his brief time as Governor he proposed a bill to legalize same-sex marriage in New York, as well as issuing an executive order allowing illegal immigrants to be issued driver’s licenses.

Decent guy, family man, all round stand-up fella.

Except it was then revealed in 2008 that Spitzer was a member of the Emperors Club vip, a club that provided extremely expensive, high class callgirls.

Spitzer was accused of having spent something close to $80,000 over the years on prostitutes, including several thousand buckeroos on his favourite, a 23-year-old woman named Ashley Alexandra Dupre.

If you guessed that the girl above in the white swimsuit is Ashley Dupre, congratulations, you win a prize*.

So, to recap, Facebook is telling me it has the answer to my financial woes. And all I have to DO to pay off my entire mortgage in half a decade… is… welllll… dudes like THIS guy:

Only for a few years, max.

Hmmmm…

Thanks for the tip Facebook, but I might just stick with the whole 9-5, earn-my-moneys-keeping-my-pants-on lifestyle.

I’m boring like that.

BPM

* prize will not be a high-class prostitute, sadly