My Australian brethren, you remember how excited we were about the introduction of more free-to-air digital TV channels? Channels with quirky, hastily thought-out names like ‘Gem’, and ‘OneHD’, and ‘7Mate’?
More content! More options for our viewing pleasure! Or, at the very least in the case of Channel 10 affiliate ‘One’, more fishing programs and ‘COPS’ reruns!
Well you know what? All those wonderful, wonderful digital channels?
You can keep ’em.
I was aimlessly flicking channels on Monday night whilst doing my teeth when I inadvertently stumbled upon the British reality/horror series, ‘Embarrassing Bodies’. For those who don’t know, ‘Embarrassing Bodies’ is a show about a team of medical specialists in the U.K doling out advice to people concerned they may be suffering from some kind of physical abnormality. An embarrassing body issue they’re too ashamed to show, or talk about, with their doctor (and yet they have no problems discussing said issue on television, apparently). Hence the clever title.
Of greater concern is the fact that most of these poor common folk really do need to be assured that, yes, an additional scrotum growing on the side of your stomach, or a pustulent neck-wound that’s been bleeding for 4 years, is probably something to be concerned about.
What… ? Do you think it’s noticeable? Can I still wear thongs?
Lumpy breasts. Distended testicles. Something called ‘retrograde ejaculation’. ‘Embarrassing Bodies’ covers it all. Which is why someone with a weak stomach, like myself, would do well to avoid the show like… well… like a bad case of retrograde ejaculation, I guess.
So… Monday night… mouth full of toothpaste, I’m flicking channels;
7Digital – some crappy ad for ‘Australia’s Got Talent’…
7Mate – ‘American Dad’ rerun…
4Me – infomercial for exercise equipment…
Gem – WHOA! Cue choking fit and anguished, minty-fresh squeals!
I’ve accidentally landed upon ‘Embarrassing Bodies’, with no mental prep time, and at the worst possible moment.
I CANNOT post the picture that I saw on-screen. I wouldn’t do that to you, faithful reader. So let me try to use my words to paint a word picture.
It’s a clinical photographic still, probably used as a diagnostic tool. An extreme close-up photograph of a gaping vagina. Yes, gaping – the subject is considerate enough to make sure we see everything humanly possible from this vantage point. Now, when I say ‘gaping vagina’, I should also add this is a vagina in a state of… disrepair? It’s swollen, festering, and clotted with creamy gunk, from bow to stern.
And the title above this award-winning still, in bold, capital letters, just reads:
Pictured: A different kind of Thrush. Who has Syphilis
My initial reaction: What. The Fuck.
My second reaction: This is either that stupid ‘Embarrassing Bodies’ show, or the Anti-Smoking Lobby has really upped the stakes in those “Smoking can cause dental decay, mouth cancer, and THRUSH!” commercials.
My third reaction: What. THE FUCK?!?!
Now, while I do admit to having a weak tum tum, I ain’t squeamish. But close-ups of infected genitals at 9:45pm on a school night?
WRONG! WRONG WRONG WRONG! WRONG WAY DOWN WRONG STREET, RIGHT IN THE HEART OF WRONG TOWN!
So thank you, Gem, Channel 9 and the team at ‘Embarrassing Bodies’… whilst you may have managed to reassure me that I do not have either THRUSH! or a vagina, you’ve also made me as anxious on the remote control as a cat in room full of rocking chairs.
Don’t change the channel… what if ‘Go!’ is doing some sort of cross promotional special on rocking chairs that have Chlamydia?
They say that a man stripped of the ability to annoyingly speed-flick through channel after channel is no man at all.
I am broken.
Can anyone out there fix me?