Archive for the ‘Television’ Category

Crystal Clear Lines

June 17, 2013

Was at a friend’s house yesterday when they alerted me to the music video for Alan Thicke’s son’s latest sexy jam, ‘Blurred Lines’.

What? This?

What’s the big deal?

Well, that’s the CENSORED version of the clip, guys. HEAVILY censored.

THIS is the future of music videos:

Congrats guys, we did it! We finally killed any sense of sub-text or implied sexuality in mainstream pop!

** fist pump **

Strap yourself in folks, and place your bets… how long until the equivalent of this unrated vid becomes the norm, playing on your commercial television station each weekend?

I’m saying 5 years. If I had kids I might be worried about ’em.

And if a frog had wings he wouldn’t bump his ass when he hops…

BPM

 

Advertisements

Game of Thrones… 1995 style

March 18, 2013

 

Just. Stellar.

Not looking forward quite so much to March 31st anymore, are you?

BPM

Poor Mindy McCready…

February 19, 2013

1361153207_mindy-mccready-reported-suicide_1

You know, I’d rather be repeatedly punched in my monkey parts than watch a minute of ‘Celebrity Rehab’… but seriously —

THIS headline:

‘MINDY MCCREADY MARKS FIFTH ‘CELEBRITY REHAB’ DEATH’

Fifth. Out of about 50.

Strange… it’s almost like Dr. Drew and Co. were more concerned with exploiting people with emotional problems purely for entertainment purposes, rather than helping them or something???

I’ll say it again – day by day, inch by inch, we struggle closer and closer to television finally giving up and just embracing the dystopian future of ‘The Running Man‘…

I'd seek help from Richard Dawson circa '87 before I'd speak to Dr. Drew, any day o' the week

I’d seek help from Richard Dawson circa ’87 before I’d speak to Dr. Drew, any day o’ the week

Which does not work for me. At all. I for one still look shitty in a lycra bodysuit, and cannot effectively wield a chainsaw whilst in hand-to-hand combat.

Not whilst on camera anyways.

Rest in Peace, Mindy.

BPM

Writing for (Reality) Television 101

February 17, 2013

“Your story is only ever as strong as it’s antagonist”

                                                     – Old Jungle Saying

It’s been simultaneously fascinating and disheartening to see ‘My Kitchen Rules’ once again become an Australian TV ratings behemoth over the past few weeks, based primarily on some of the oldest character stereotypes in the book.

Every ‘reality’ show needs a villain (of course). Enter the ‘Spice Girls’, Jessie & Biswa from New South Wales…

412868-jessie-khan-and-biswa-kamila

Who, in a matter of weeks, used their unparalleled charm and sophistication to become seemingly the most hated duo in the country (sorry Tony & Julia). They tick every single ‘HAAAAAAATE-watch’ box for a Channel 7 audience. Lets count ’em off:

  • Gen Y? Tick.
  • Female? Tick.
  • Horribly entitled? Tick.
  • Dumb as a post? Tick.
  • And most importantly, an ethnicity just ‘brown’ enough to offend white Australia? Indian and Bangladeshi MEGA TICK!

Observe:

You wouldn’t have guessed, but the judges and their fellow contestants voted these clowns off of a cooking show for the piddling offense of being unable to cook. Terrible, I know. Goodbye Spice Girls! Goodbye guaranteed ratings draw!

What are we to do now, MKR???

If your answer was  to introduce a new group of muckraking, gatecrashing contestants for no real reason other than to create conflict less than a month into the show, then you win… uhh… well… not much.

They haven’t even come up with something as clever as the SPICE GIRLS this time for fucks sake!!! ‘Gatecrashers’?!?!

* smacks head *

And yes, our most notable team of Gatecrashers are…

389755-girls

  • Gen Y? Tick.
  • Female? Tick.
  • Horribly entitled? Tick.
  • Dumb as a post? Tick.
  • And most importantly, an ethnicity just ‘Asian’ enough to offend white Australia? SUPER MEGA HAPPY TICK!

From the network that brought you ‘Border Patrol’… ladies and gentlemen, ‘MY KITCHEN RULES’!!!!!!!!!!

It’s made me pause more than once in the writers room of the TV show I work on to wonder why the hell we’re bothering to try to create boring shit like ‘well-rounded antagonists’,  ‘in depth backstories’, or ‘character arcs’. All that work, when really all we need to do is make our villain each and every week a spoiled stupid Gen-Y ditz with a complete lack of self-awareness.

The Hannibal Lector era of villainy is over, people. Long live Jessie & Biswa, the new breed of supervillain, soon to be enshrined in the Richard Hatch Hall of Infamy.

Take the tour.

It’s frigging horrible, sure, but it’ll only take 15 minutes.

BPM

An Important Political Message from Joss Whedon

October 29, 2012

 

Praise be to the Butson for first pointing this vid out to me…

God, now that I think about it, my Parkour skills aren’t worth shit.

BPM

Wrong Place, Wrong Time – A Vignette

September 21, 2012

An approximation of the villain in question

As I’ve mentioned previously, I work (when work is to be had) in the television industry, in and around production offices mostly. One thing you may not have known about the entertainment industry? There’s a HUGE proliferation of dog people.

By which I mean people who luuurrrvvveee their dogs. Not… you know…

Ugh… the 2nd Assistant Director has fleas again…

Anyhow, it’s not at all unusual for the office to contain the odd dog or two, as peeps bring their pets to work. Generally these furry new employees will be your smaller breed of dog, your Pomeranian, your Pug, your Chihuahua.

Not at the moment though.

One of the other staff here has bravely put her hand up to train a labrador pup on its way to becoming a seeing eye dog. A big responsibility, made even more difficult than you’d imagine by her canine ward, whom for the purposes of this blog we shall call ‘Spice’*.

* Not Spice’s real name

Because Spice is proving to be more problematic to train than almost any other puppy you’ve ever seen. Which is troubling considering that he will soon be responsible for not killing his owner on a regular basis. Even now that he’s a few months old, Spice stays when he should be coming. Stands when it’s time to sit. Has some bizarre aversion to going outside. Doesn’t carry the one when he does basic multiplication. That kind of thing.

Every day I watch my co-worker drag Spice towards the exit door to do his business, usually cheerfully exhorting ‘Spice! Come on Spice! Let’s go! Outside! Outside!’, as she drags this dog across the carpet, him resisting every inch of the way.

Except yesterday, as I was getting something from the photocopier, I heard her racing towards the exit, and flinging open the door, chanting encouragement which went something like ‘SpiceComeonSpiceOutsideHoldonOutsideWaitSpiceNOOOOO!!!’

A beat.

‘Monkey? Help!

I’m the closest person she can see. So I walk to the door, which she’s deftly holding with one hand, half inside and half out. She yells ‘Watch out!’, pointing at the carpet.

Yup. Spice didn’t quite make it. RIGHT in front of the door.

And to make matters worse, this agoraphobic dog, the bane of her existence, has taken advantage of this momentary distraction and decided ‘I’d actually quite like to go outside, just not with you’. Spice has bolted, she’s lost her grip on his lead, and he has charged outside onto the road.

Sure, he LOOKS cute… but he’s actually a calculating, ruthless monster. Trust me.

‘Please… help?!’

Of course I do my best, and hold the door as she dashes out into the street to save this dog from traffic. Presumably so that she can kill him herself.

But even as I’m playing Good Samaritan, I’m shrinking inside. And it’s not the dog poo I’m straddling that bothers me. It’s the knowledge that this door at my workplace is alarmed. And for SOME reason, if it’s held open for any longer than… say… 12-15 seconds? It starts beeping.

By beeping, I mean it BEEPS! It SCREECHES! It WAILS! It is an ear-piercing, headache inducing SIREN!

And I know it’s about to —

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE —

‘Close the door!’, comes the helpful suggestion from the other end of the office, those lucky souls who remain oblivious to this ridiculous chain of events.

From outside: ‘Spice! Come here!’

— EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE —

‘Shut the door!’

‘Spice! Come! Coooommmme!’

— EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE —

‘Who’s keeping the bloody door open?!?!’

Here I stand. Between a rock and a turd place. I can’t even temporarily close the door, then re-open it, because Spice’s well-placed leavings are positioned just so, so that if I tried to do this, I would end up smearing the carpet with a perfect, fragrant, racing stripe of shit.

Well played, Spice.

— EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE —

‘WOULD SOMEONE CLOSE THE DOOR!’

Thankfully, my co-worker, on the verge of a breakdown, wrests this idiot pup from the street, and dashes back to the door. Holding on to this animal as it spastically flails with one hand, she plastic baggies her other hand, reaches down whilst I stand frozen, like a moron caught in the world’s most high stakes games of Twister. Right foot, Brown.

‘I’m soooo sorry!’

— EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE —

She deftly grabs one turd, two turds, three… dashes out the door… and I finally close it.

— EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.

Silence.

And now I am left with no dog, no stressed out co-worker… not even any evidence to prove any of this ever happened. Just an office full of disgruntled staff looking for someone to blame for their brand spanking new 10am headaches.

I wander up to half a dozen of them, their desks circling me, my teeth gritted.

‘Why didn’t you close the door?’

‘Spice. Didn’t. Quite. Make. It’.

With this, I turn, and trudge back to my desk.

And that was Thursday.

BPM

Amuhr-ica! F*%# Yeah!

September 12, 2012

HAD to re-post this genius piece of editing, originally from the New York Magazine website:

If there’s a better two minute encapsulation of how out of control our culture of celebrity worship has become… well, I haven’t seen it.

Jesus wept…

Because apparently if we didn’t spend the anniversary of September 11 talking about Kris Jenner’s fake tits, then the terrorists truly have already won. 

BPM

Trial by Facebook

September 10, 2012

This popped up in my Facebook feed over the weekend.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Social Media Jury, see exhibit A:

Now… what’s scarier?

a) The possibility that this rumour about hellspawn boy-band One Direction could actually be true? Or…

b) That almost 400,000 Facebook users (as of Saturday) were willing to ‘Like’ a status (with no context or details or any supporting evidence), which purports to have been posted by a FICTIONAL CHARACTER.

Or is it c) that if you Google any combination of ‘One Direction’, ‘Girl’ & ‘Cancer’, you get a shit-ton of links to fan fiction I’m wayyyyyy too scared to click on.

The world we live in, folks.

BPM

Carly Rae Cookie Monster

July 10, 2012

Because I’m now so old that I invariably prefer the Sesame Street / Muppet parody version to practically ANY Top 40 pop song.

If you can find me another contemporary musician that can successfully rhyme ‘Snickerdoodle’, maybe I’ll reconsider.

Maybe.

BPM

John Di Maggio brings you ‘I Know That Voice’

July 5, 2012

Coming soon in 2013, Executive Produced by ‘Futurama’s’ Bender himself, John Di Maggio, comes this awesome documentary.

Check out the trailer below:

I can’t wait for this feature-length peek behind the curtain at the history of voice acting, and the artistic processes of such incredible talents as Di Maggio, Billy West, Tara Strong, Nancy Cartwright, Kevin Conroy, Tom Kenny, the legendary June Foray, Seth Green, Hank Azaria, Jess Harnell & the one and only Mark Hamill.

Or, if you prefer…

Bender, Fry, Twilight Sparkle, Bart Simpson, Batman, Spongebob Squarepants, Rocky (of Rocky & Bullwinkle), Chris Griffin, Chief Wiggum, Wakko Warner & the Joker.

Lord I’m an overgrown child.

BPM