Archive for the ‘Weird News’ Category

The Darkest Knight

March 5, 2013

‘BATMAN BRINGS IN SUSPECT TO BRADFORD POLICE’

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from BBC News

Because he’s the hero Britain deserves, not the hero it needs right now…

Apparently this guy was really just some dude named Stan (Stan?!?!) who was returning home from a football match that he’d attended in fancy dress, dropping a mate off at the police station.

He doesn’t REALLY think he’s Batman at all. He TOLD the police his NAME, for gods sake!

You don’t tell people your secret identity! That’s like rule number 1 of being Batman: Don’t tell people who you really are!

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Unless… you know… you’ve stopped being Batman for 8 years for whatever reason…

Then feel free to tell every single person you meet for the next couple of months that you’re Batman.

So wait... I SHOULDN'T invite all these people back for drinks back at Wayne Manor? They won't make that connection, right?

So wait… I SHOULDN’T invite all these people back for drinks back at Wayne Manor? They won’t make that connection, right?

See how that works out.

Right, Chris Nolan?

Yup. I’m still bitter.

BPM

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Oscars 2013: The Write Stuff

February 26, 2013

Oscars 2013 Daniel Day-Lewis Jennifer Lawrence Anne Hathaway Christoph Waltz

So, another Oscar night done and dusted. And what have we really learned?

Seth McFarlane? Likes boobs, singing, self. Dislikes Hollywood, women.

‘Argo’? Fun, American as Apple Pie, directed by a ghostly presence whose reflection only appears in a mirror when you say his name three times.

Jennifer Lawrence? Adorable, falleded over.

‘Lincoln’? So worthy that it’s TOO worthy for the Oscars (at least that’s what Stevey’s muttering as he cries himself to sleep, his head buried in his pillow stuffed with $100 bills).

Meryl Streep? Does not need to even open an envelope, has earned the right to decide winning nominees for herself.

‘Chicago’? Apparently the musical of our generation (incidentally, last night’s Oscars were produced by Craig Zadan and Neil Meron, who also produced… ‘Chicago’. Oscars tribute to the Musicals, and two separate tributes to ‘Chicago’ kinda makes sense now, huh?).

Anne Hathaway? Has Manic Pixie Twitter Nipples.

But the key takeaway for me?

Was that the Oscars once again reinforced that harshest of truths about actors and actresses – they are incandescent creatures. Winners of the genetic lottery, owners of an ethereal beauty beyond most mortals.

But without a gifted writer to put words in their mouths for them, they more oft than not are incapable of stringing together an interesting sentence.

And yet screenwriters remain eternally unappreciated at these shows. An example? Chris Terrio won Best Adapted Screenplay for ‘Argo’, and the only recognition of any kind I saw him receive from most mainstream media outlets was a) mentioning that he has a passing resemblance to ‘Stifler’ himself, Sean William Scott, and b) that he was an undeserving winner because the ‘Argo’ script lacked real depth.

Wait… what? So ‘Argo’ was, by most accounts, a popular ‘Best Picture’ winner. Alan Arkin was nominated for Best Supporting Actor. People are STILL upset about Ben Affleck not being nominated for Best Director. But the screenplay was not especially well written?

Wow. So the cast and crew just turned up each morning and made up on the fly that day’s shooting pages, huh? Affleck directed an empty page, Arkin obviously made up all of his dialogue, and Clooney produced a $45 million film based on a stack of 120-odd pieces of bound, blank paper.

With that all being said, Academy Awards 2013: We Out.

Only 364 days to wait until Tina & Amy.

I wonder if they’ll sing a song about boobs too…

BPM

Poor Mindy McCready…

February 19, 2013

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You know, I’d rather be repeatedly punched in my monkey parts than watch a minute of ‘Celebrity Rehab’… but seriously —

THIS headline:

‘MINDY MCCREADY MARKS FIFTH ‘CELEBRITY REHAB’ DEATH’

Fifth. Out of about 50.

Strange… it’s almost like Dr. Drew and Co. were more concerned with exploiting people with emotional problems purely for entertainment purposes, rather than helping them or something???

I’ll say it again – day by day, inch by inch, we struggle closer and closer to television finally giving up and just embracing the dystopian future of ‘The Running Man‘…

I'd seek help from Richard Dawson circa '87 before I'd speak to Dr. Drew, any day o' the week

I’d seek help from Richard Dawson circa ’87 before I’d speak to Dr. Drew, any day o’ the week

Which does not work for me. At all. I for one still look shitty in a lycra bodysuit, and cannot effectively wield a chainsaw whilst in hand-to-hand combat.

Not whilst on camera anyways.

Rest in Peace, Mindy.

BPM

I find your lack of faith… yadayadayada

February 12, 2013

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Pope Benedict XVI resigns his position as head of the papacy. The Catholic Church is left reeling. World is shocked.

Internet explodes.

And yet, in the past month alone the internets has exploded MULTIPLE times… over the Grammy’s, a blackout at the Superbowl, whether Beyonce lip-syncs or not, the news that JJ Abrams will control the hearts and minds of both Star Wars AND Trek fans, and the revelation that every professional athlete anywhere is probably maybe taking something…

24 hour news cycle, baby.

My tip for the next biggest news story of all time?

Beyonce is elected the next Pope, but only after a power failure at Vatican City means the papal conclave is forced to release fake white smoke from their chimneys. The smoke is later revealed to contain traces of HGH, Beyonce resigns after a week in disgrace, only to then be cast as both Lieutenant Uhura in the next Star Trek film and the ass-kicking descendent of Mace Windu in Star Wars episodes 7-9.

The force is... umm... strong? With this one?

The force is… umm… strong? With this one?

And even THAT’S only gonna tide us over for a week. At best.

Wake me when the zombie apocalypse finally happens, won’t you? Now THAT’S news.

BPM

 

That’s no moon…

January 17, 2013

death-star-1200

Gun control, gun control, gun control. Definitely a hot button topic in the States these days.

Turns out not only is the Obama administration in favour of tighter controls on semi-automatic weapons, NOW they’re refusing to build the ultimate in weapons technology.

Pussies…

You see, a petition was raised in America recently, and apparently any petition that garners over 25,000 signatures can officially be presented to the U.S government.

The petition in question?

‘To secure resources and funding, and begin construction of a Death Star by 2016’.

You can read the official response from the White House here, but in the meantime they listed 3 reasons as to why they won’t be pursuing construction anytime soon, which are:

  • The construction of the Death Star has been estimated to cost more than $850,000,000,000,000,000. We’re working hard to reduce the deficit, not expand it.
  • The Administration does not support blowing up planets.
  • Why would we spend countless taxpayer dollars on a Death Star with a fundamental flaw that can be exploited by a one-man starship?

Suck it, NRA.

BPM

Umm… I think we’re missing someone?

December 13, 2012

‘SIR PAUL McCARTNEY FRONTS NIRVANA REUNION’

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from ninemsn.com.au

Nirvana… reunion?

Not without some serious smelling salts and a bicycle repair kit, Sir Paul…

With that being said, this WAS for a good cause, a fundraising concert for victims of Superstorm Sandy in New York (and only New York, cos fuck the rest of the east coast, that’s why!)

Of course, Courtney Love was immediately asked for her take on this. She was, as you might have imagined, not impressed, apparently saying of McCartney’s involvement “Look, if John (Lennon) were alive it would be cool.”

She then screamed she was a little teapot, that her eyeballs were growing fingers, and that light globes have feelings, before fleeing into the night, accompanied by a frog farting the alphabet.

If you have an iconic band you’d like Sir Paul to reform, he’s contactable at:

http://www.thisisforallthosetimesyouaskedmeifthebeatleswouldgetbacktogether.com

Until next time, a reminder that the walrus was Paul…

BPM

Screw you Apatow – This is 32*

September 20, 2012

*Or, you know, maybe not. I have nothing against Judd Apatow. Not even the fact that he’s personally responsible for Katherine Heigl’s movie career. Sometimes you just need a title, and “The Introspective Ponderings of a Self-Loathing Potential Narcissist” seemed a LITTLE heavy…  

“Sigh… and then what did Kim Kardashian say?”

It will come as no surprise to anyone that’s ever read my drivel to know that I’m far too obsessed with all the wrong shit. I’d love to spend my days entrenched in conversation about philosophical concepts beyond the comprehension of 98.4% of the general population. It’d be great to have an extensive knowledge of the history of Baroque music. And I have no doubt that spending hours conducting exhaustive research for the thesis I’d someday write about the geo-politics of Australasian territories… that’d be swell.

However, what also will come as very little surprise to you, is that I ain’t that smart.

Not as smart as I’d like to be. Not as smart as I pretend to be. Not even as smart as I’d settle on being.

And so, rather than high-minded pursuits, my attention is dragged to what is basically the ephemera of world news. I’m so focussed on the algae resting atop the aquarium, that I never even notice the tropical fish below.

A point made doubly true by the fact that I know so little of algae, or of tropical fish, that my clumsy metaphor might be complete bullshit.

Just be thankful this is a picture of an actual aquarium… I’ll bet a million dollars someone somewhere uses ‘Dirty Aquarium’ as a sexual euphemism

GET TO THE POINT! 

So in the past week, I’ve been swamped by the kind of stories that would normally constitute their own posts here at the BPM.

There was the leaked video of Mitt Romney at a private dinner, where he told potential donors at a fund-raiser that approximately 47% of Americans believed they were entitled to things like food, or health care, and that “…my job is not to worry about those people. I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives”.

There was a kind of international moral litmus test involving the topless photos taken of Kate Middleton, as she and Prince William  sunbathed at a private château in France. The argument for publishing is encapsulated in this quote from Danish magazine Se of Hoer: “It is in the DNA of Se og Hoer that we should entertain and fulfil our readers’ curiosity. Therefore it is always relevant for us when a duchess and future queen of England is topless and voluntarily shows her breasts near a public road”.

And then there is the counter argument, that photo’s taken of a private estate from over a kilometre away, of the wife of a Prince whose mother died as she was being chased by paparazzi, might not be totes cool. For the record, thus far the British, American’s and Australian’s have chosen to err on the side of “Dude… really?!?”, as the Dane’s, Italian’s and French maintain their stance of “Hooray for boobies!”.

There was the initially peaceful protest by Muslims in Sydney’s Hyde Park, revolving around the now infamous American amateur film posted on YouTube which mocks Muhammed. As absolutely no one could’ve predicted, it swiftly got wayyyy out of hand. There was the image of a 4-year-old holding a sign that read ‘Behead All Those Who Insult The Prophet’. There was his mother, who upon being investigated by police, insisted that she didn’t know what the word ‘behead’ meant. And, of course, the inevitable online rush of white, middle-class, anglo ‘real’ Aussies to join Facebook groups represented by pictures like this one:

Don’t rush to judgement, the bottom word there has more syllables than any other word in his entire vocabulary

There was the vote in Australian parliament on the possibility of legalising gay marriage, where Liberal senator Cory Bernardi, a close ally of Tony Abbott, was forced to resign from his position after controversially phrasing his objection to gay marriage as follows: “The next step … is having three people that love each other be able to enter into a permanent union endorsed by society, or four people… There are even some creepy people out there, who say that it’s OK to have consensual sexual relations between humans and animals. Will that be a future step?”

Wow… all this is too heavy, Monkey. What about something to lighten the mood?

Well, there was ex-child star Amanda Bynes yet again throwing down the gauntlet to Lindsay Lohan, by continuing to unravel in public… you know, if you call driving on a suspended licence, multiple hit-and-run incidents, and driving whilst smoking pot unravelling. Lindsay responded by (of course) tweeting…
 … only to ‘allegedly’ hit a man in New York less than a week later, trying to park her car outside a hotel. Whilst under the influence, natch.

Now, the REAL challenge here… how does one create some kind of tangential link between such a disparate group of stories?

Well, how about this – they all elicited more or less the exact same kind of reaction from me. A reaction that kind of went something like this…

Sighing. Slumping of shoulders. Shaking of head. Curse word. Acceptance.

That’s in real-time, too.

I’ve officially finally reached the point of apathy where it’s almost impossible to legitimately feel any sense of outrage at the kind of source material that drives most of this blog. I emphasise the word legitimate, because I, like so many people, can still manufacture outrage well enough on occasion. But real emotion?

I suppose on one hand this is potentially a healthy development for me. Why should I give a shit (or indeed, quite so many shits) about these strangers, whose lives will never really intersect with mine on any level whatsoever? Shouldn’t this free up some psychic real estate that can now revolve around newer, healthier thoughts and obsessions? Like Baroque, philosophy, theses… you know… all that shit?

Baroque Art… kind of like an album cover for the band ‘Live’ circa 1995

Perhaps. I don’t know yet. I do know that more and more often I’m seeing no resolution to a raft of world issues as disparate as the Australian political stance on gay marriage, or anglo-Islamic relations, the intrusiveness of the papparazzi, or… Lindsay Lohan… no resolution except for “Well, what are you going to do except wait and hope for generational change?”.

Which still feels like a cowards way out to me, on many levels. Sure, I still believe in the causes that I believe in. I can call out bigotry, or prejudice, or the evils of Twitter, celebrity stupidity and entitlement. But even as I’m doing so, I increasingly find myself thinking that the only hope we have is that the next generation of Button Pushing Monkeys grow up in a society incrementally less hateful towards homosexuals, incrementally less divided by religion and culture, incrementally more respectful, and hopeful, and… better?

I’m still a young man. But I can admit that as far back as I can remember I’ve always been (perhaps to a degree that’s unhealthy) a cynic. Is this just what passes for hope as we get older? I’m interested in others opinions.

Perhaps in this world the most important thing is retaining any kind of hope at all.

It was Stephen King that said “Remember, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies”.

And I hope that’s true.

Thanks for bearing with me this long down the rabbit-hole/ up my own ass, folks. I promise our usual dick’n’fart joke broadcast will resume shortly.

BPM

You have a totally legit friend request… seriously, for realsies

September 14, 2012

I’ll apologise in advance for yet another anti-Facebook/Twitter/Internet post, but this story blew my mind, and I can’t believe we haven’t seen it featured more prominently in ANY Australian news media outlet:

‘TALIBAN USES SEXY FACEBOOK PROFILES TO LURE TROOPS INTO GIVING AWAY MILITARY SECRETS’

from PC World.com

The story in a nutshell goes that the Taliban are using fake Facebook profiles to ‘befriend’ troops in the Australian Defence Forces serving overseas in Afghanistan. See that picture up there? That’s ex-World Wrestling Entertainment superstar Maria Kanellis, just one of the hot chicks enticing our fighting forces to click ‘Accept’. Once the Australian soldier accepts the friend request, the Taliban then uses this access to gather info based on the soldiers’ status updates, posts, photos, etc.

The bigger problem is that Facebook’s geo-tagging tech also logs the specific location that soldiers are posting from. So once a soldier updates his status to shit its hot, or OMG check out my RPG!!!!! 🙂 , the Taliban knows exactly where they are.

All of this has prompted a review by the Australian Defence Force into DoD use of social media, and will probably necessitate the introduction of social media training courses for all members of the Defence Force.

Wow…

Now, I’m not criticising our brave men and women serving overseas. They show incredible courage doing a job I never could, and make us as Australians proud every day.

But who knew that our troops weren’t made aware before they were sent into a war zone about geo-tagging?

Or that members of the Taliban are apparently big fans of WWE Diva’s like Maria?

That in one of the most dangerous areas on the planet, some people are still preoccupied with posting Instagram photos of their food, duck-facing in front of armoured vehicles, and doing those quizzes to see ‘Which Disney character are you?’

Come on, how many times is this thing going to tell me that I’m Pumbaa?!?!?!

That when it comes to manipulating social media, we have been (in the parlance of Jeff Probst) out-witted, out-lasted and out-played by… the Taliban?!?! Who presumably have faster, more reliable internet connection in the mountainous regions of Afghanistan than I do in the western suburbs of Melbourne.

And that apparently any remake of ‘Stripes’ would now include John Winger doing way less push-ups and much, much more tweeting? 

“I want you to drop and give me a hundred n’ forty… characters”

Serves as a handy reminder to all of us not to accept a friend request from someone just because SHES TOTALLY HOT BRO OMG SEXYB!TCH!

Admittedly this is advice that’s easier to dish out when, like me, you’re the kinda guy whom unnaturally attractive women avoid like a new chemically engineered strain of black-plague-herpes-canceraids.

But it’s good advice regardless.

Finally, should any of you who are reading this be currently serving in the Australian military overseas, be safe guys and gals, and come home in one piece.

BPM

Amuhr-ica! F*%# Yeah!

September 12, 2012

HAD to re-post this genius piece of editing, originally from the New York Magazine website:

If there’s a better two minute encapsulation of how out of control our culture of celebrity worship has become… well, I haven’t seen it.

Jesus wept…

Because apparently if we didn’t spend the anniversary of September 11 talking about Kris Jenner’s fake tits, then the terrorists truly have already won. 

BPM

Wha’ Happened?!?

July 20, 2012

It’s way too late to look surprised, Fred

The age of the internets, and the 24 hour news cycle… she giveth, and she taketh away…eth.

I’m a huge fan of Fred Willard’s improv work, especially his roles in various Christopher Guest films like ‘A Mighty Wind’ and ‘Best in Show’. Which is why it’s such a bummer to hear he was arrested this week for masturbating in an adult theatre in Los Angeles.

Before you immediately jump onboard the “Masturbating in an adult theatre?!?! How quaint” bandwagon, bear in mind the fact that Fred is 72 years old. Maybe working out how to traverse the world of internet porn is beyond his comprehension at this point. I know that whenever my Dad needs to update Mozilla Firefox I need to drive to his place and very slowly walk him through the clickies. And he’s 10 years younger than Willard.

Plus I guess when you really think about it, and take into account Fred’s age, you have to believe that this wasn’t a spur of the moment act. There’s probably a fair degree of planning and preparation that goes into… uhh… his ‘performance’. So in a way he’s lucky the police didn’t consider this a pre-meditated act.

It manages to qualify as one of the few sordid celebrity acts that I really didn’t need to know about. But in an age when we know all about Miley’s latest tattoo before the ink is even dry, what chance does anyone have of keeping their peccadilloes private anymore?

And no, I didn’t just use the word ‘peccadillo’ as a euphemism for Willard’s wang.

I think…

Am I suddenly yearning for a return to olden days, when tales of Hollywood Babylon-esque depravity were kept off the record, on the QT, and very hush hush? Probably not – if they were, what the hell would I write about? Am I simply allowing my affection for Fred Willard to cloud my customary Schadenfreude in celebrating the pratfalls and fuck-ups of the Lohan’s and Kardashian’s of the world?

I guess (cue Doogie Howser-music and typing sound effect) the lesson to be learned here is that the freedom to pick and choose which celebrities disgrace themselves in public is truly out of my hands.

But not out of Fred’s.

God damn it…

BPM