Posts Tagged ‘Facebook’

You have a totally legit friend request… seriously, for realsies

September 14, 2012

I’ll apologise in advance for yet another anti-Facebook/Twitter/Internet post, but this story blew my mind, and I can’t believe we haven’t seen it featured more prominently in ANY Australian news media outlet:

‘TALIBAN USES SEXY FACEBOOK PROFILES TO LURE TROOPS INTO GIVING AWAY MILITARY SECRETS’

from PC World.com

The story in a nutshell goes that the Taliban are using fake Facebook profiles to ‘befriend’ troops in the Australian Defence Forces serving overseas in Afghanistan. See that picture up there? That’s ex-World Wrestling Entertainment superstar Maria Kanellis, just one of the hot chicks enticing our fighting forces to click ‘Accept’. Once the Australian soldier accepts the friend request, the Taliban then uses this access to gather info based on the soldiers’ status updates, posts, photos, etc.

The bigger problem is that Facebook’s geo-tagging tech also logs the specific location that soldiers are posting from. So once a soldier updates his status to shit its hot, or OMG check out my RPG!!!!! 🙂 , the Taliban knows exactly where they are.

All of this has prompted a review by the Australian Defence Force into DoD use of social media, and will probably necessitate the introduction of social media training courses for all members of the Defence Force.

Wow…

Now, I’m not criticising our brave men and women serving overseas. They show incredible courage doing a job I never could, and make us as Australians proud every day.

But who knew that our troops weren’t made aware before they were sent into a war zone about geo-tagging?

Or that members of the Taliban are apparently big fans of WWE Diva’s like Maria?

That in one of the most dangerous areas on the planet, some people are still preoccupied with posting Instagram photos of their food, duck-facing in front of armoured vehicles, and doing those quizzes to see ‘Which Disney character are you?’

Come on, how many times is this thing going to tell me that I’m Pumbaa?!?!?!

That when it comes to manipulating social media, we have been (in the parlance of Jeff Probst) out-witted, out-lasted and out-played by… the Taliban?!?! Who presumably have faster, more reliable internet connection in the mountainous regions of Afghanistan than I do in the western suburbs of Melbourne.

And that apparently any remake of ‘Stripes’ would now include John Winger doing way less push-ups and much, much more tweeting? 

“I want you to drop and give me a hundred n’ forty… characters”

Serves as a handy reminder to all of us not to accept a friend request from someone just because SHES TOTALLY HOT BRO OMG SEXYB!TCH!

Admittedly this is advice that’s easier to dish out when, like me, you’re the kinda guy whom unnaturally attractive women avoid like a new chemically engineered strain of black-plague-herpes-canceraids.

But it’s good advice regardless.

Finally, should any of you who are reading this be currently serving in the Australian military overseas, be safe guys and gals, and come home in one piece.

BPM

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Trial by Facebook

September 10, 2012

This popped up in my Facebook feed over the weekend.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Social Media Jury, see exhibit A:

Now… what’s scarier?

a) The possibility that this rumour about hellspawn boy-band One Direction could actually be true? Or…

b) That almost 400,000 Facebook users (as of Saturday) were willing to ‘Like’ a status (with no context or details or any supporting evidence), which purports to have been posted by a FICTIONAL CHARACTER.

Or is it c) that if you Google any combination of ‘One Direction’, ‘Girl’ & ‘Cancer’, you get a shit-ton of links to fan fiction I’m wayyyyyy too scared to click on.

The world we live in, folks.

BPM

Social Media Explained

February 8, 2012

More gold from Lamebook, the site that just keeps on giving:

BPM

Is Facebook Advertising profiling me?!?!?

September 10, 2011

We’ve all seen them… the annoying little ads that pop up on the right hand side of your Facebook page.

And I assume there must be SOME kind of algorithim in place that selects the ads. You list you’re engaged – you get wedding related services. You post about your favourite footy team – you get sports betting links.

Which is why I was more than a little confused / amused when I last looked and saw an advert with THIS text:

I Paid Off My Mortgage!

in 5 years, and became debt free. You can too! Find out how – Click here

Fair enough, Spam-bot. What I didn’t expect was to see THIS photo accompanying the ad:

OK… attractive bikini-clad girl on a yacht… she COULD be some kind of financial wizard. Maybe she HAS paid off her mortgage in 5 years… good for her, you say.

Only problem being is that I recognized the girl in this photo.

The story goes that about 3 years ago, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer was sensationally removed from office. During his brief time as Governor he proposed a bill to legalize same-sex marriage in New York, as well as issuing an executive order allowing illegal immigrants to be issued driver’s licenses.

Decent guy, family man, all round stand-up fella.

Except it was then revealed in 2008 that Spitzer was a member of the Emperors Club vip, a club that provided extremely expensive, high class callgirls.

Spitzer was accused of having spent something close to $80,000 over the years on prostitutes, including several thousand buckeroos on his favourite, a 23-year-old woman named Ashley Alexandra Dupre.

If you guessed that the girl above in the white swimsuit is Ashley Dupre, congratulations, you win a prize*.

So, to recap, Facebook is telling me it has the answer to my financial woes. And all I have to DO to pay off my entire mortgage in half a decade… is… welllll… dudes like THIS guy:

Only for a few years, max.

Hmmmm…

Thanks for the tip Facebook, but I might just stick with the whole 9-5, earn-my-moneys-keeping-my-pants-on lifestyle.

I’m boring like that.

BPM

* prize will not be a high-class prostitute, sadly

Status Update is not your Private Journal

January 5, 2011

It’s not Dear Diary.

It’s not your shrink, your closest confidante or your family.

And yet one can’t go near Facebook these days without reading at least one desperate cry for attention.

“Hurting so much rite now, wish I could stop the pain”.

“Can’t get through the darkness, wish I could see the light”.

“Life seemz so meaningless, my soul is dead”

And so on…

It’s an entire generation who can only express themselves in the words of a teenage girl / Emo / Taylor Swift ballad about heartbreak, loss and regret.

Could someone with a little stroke at FB get in touch with Mark Zuckerberg, maybe get them working on that ‘Obligatory Sympathy’ button to go next to ‘Like’ and ‘Comment’?

Or better yet, is there any chance people could exercise a little discretion and talk to someone in person about whatever it is that hath torn their soul asunder, rather than broadcast their unendurable pain (TM) to all 246 of their absolute besties?

No, I didn’t think so either.

One can dream though.

BPM

Nick Riewoldt’s penis goes viral

December 20, 2010

Pictured: Nick Riewoldt, Footy Shorts

Ewww… feel like you’re gonna catch something nasty just touching your keyboard now, huh.

The St. Kilda football club has gone into “damage control” after naked photos of 1… sorry, 2…

3?

14?

126 footballers were posted on a teenage girl’s Facebook page yesterday.

The AFL stars already identified (they record metrics for everything at AFL draft camps these days…) include Saints captain Nick Riewoldt, Nick Dal Santo and Zac Dawson.

Rumour has it that the teenage girl is posting the photos out of revenge, and that she has over a dozen more candid snaps waiting to be ‘exposed’.

The AFL is worried. St. Kilda is worried. Hell, at the rate they’re going Darrel Baldock might show up on this girl’s camera-phone with his ruck-rover hanging out, and he retired in 1968!

"Alright chaps, when the lady says smile we all pull out our todgers and shake them for the camera simultaneously... splendid!"

Bear in mind however that this is the same girl who accused a St. Kilda player last year of potentially being the father of her unborn child. And that, at 17, she’s admittedly slept with more than a few AFL footballers. Oh, and she had sex with one of the police officers investigating her paternity claim, and he’s since been stood down from the police force.

BUT she claims she didn’t have sex with Riewoldt, Dawson or Dal Santo. They just asked her to take a photo of their gear, then delete them.

She didn’t delete them.

St. Kilda are currently doing their best to minimize damage to their club brand, explore legal channels, hold press conferences, protect their player’s rights, and —

Maybe they should tell their players not to have sex with, or flash their genitals at 17-year-old girls?

Now, now, lets not be hasty.

Because if being an AFL footballer means you no longer get to have random sex with stupid underage girls, then who’d want to even play the game anymore???

BPM

Run (Snort) & Swim: The Ben Cousins Biathlon

September 6, 2010

Cousins shakes the pesky tag of Constables Molloy, Nastoulis and Hewitt...

Think you’re in good shape?

Sure, maybe you can run a good time around the Tan. Maybe you still play competitive sport of a weekend. Or perhaps you power through the odd Spin or Zumba class at the gym.

But are you ready for the Ben Cousins Biathlon?

A Facebook group has been created to commemorate Ben’s infamous escape from the police on foot in Perth on February 12th 2006. The route looks a little something like THIS:

The West Coast Eagles ran really elaborate time trials at training...

Legend has it that Cousins saw a booze bus on the Canning Highway, so he abandoned his then girlfriend in the car and ran like hell for several kilometres across hilly terrain (outsprinting a gaggle of police officers) before reaching the Canning River.

Ben then jumped in the water and swam almost halfway to the opposite riverbank before realizing he’d probably drown if he tried to complete the entire crossing. So he turned back, swam for shore, and proceeded to run shirtless and barefoot along the coast until reaching a restaurant where he demanded a glass of water and to use the phone. He finished by denying that he was actually Ben Cousins to staff and patrons, and was instead “Ben Cousins’ twin brother”.

Oh, and he wasn’t drunk or high at the time… just fleeing to “avoid the media madness“.

Pinky-swear!

The Facebook group organiser Damon Bull has set up the mini-marathon to be run on February 12th 2011, so as to coincide with the 5 year anniversary of Ben’s booze bus bolt. Thus far it has attracted over 4600 promised attendees.

Hmm.

Rumours the biathlon will wrap up with a Ben Cousins Meal Deal for all competitors (no food, just Coke and Ice) remain unfounded.

BPM

‘The Social Network’: Comment? Like?

July 17, 2010

The latest trailer for ‘The Social Network’ was posted online this week, featuring the incredible cover of Radiohead’s ‘Creep’ (by Scala & the Kolacny Brothers).

Check it out:

I’ll admit to having been hesitant when I first head about the project. A film about the birth of Facebook… David Fincher… Aaron Sorkin… and Justin Timberlake?

But I think after the 5th viewing of this trailer I’m pretty much converted. I can’t wait for this film now.

It’s being released in Australia on November 25th – six weeks after the official release date in the U.S.

What are the ethics on illegally downloading a movie about the nefarious origins of the world’s most famous social networking site, I wonder…

BPM

Facebook wins a penalty shootout

June 21, 2010

"I have a red piece of cardboard and I want to be on television too!"

So I sucked it up (oh, grow up), and performed what I was told was my national duty on Saturday night – I watched the Socceroo’s blockbuster matchup against the might and power of Ghana.

1-1.

Hmm.

Don’t worry, Dear Reader – I’m not about to enter into another rant about boring tactics, interminable defensive play and seemingly completely arbitrary officiating… instead I’ll let this speak for me:

Happily, I’ve stumbled upon the secret to remaining relatively informed on World Cup results without having to watch a minute of Soccer.

Teacher. Mother. Secret Lover.

Trust me… other people’s status updates are the only way to follow a game…

“Go Aussies!”

“You can do it Australia!!!”

“GOALLLLLLLL”

“Go Holman!”

“WTF???”

“This is friggin bullshit!”

“red card my ass just give everyone a red card why dont you ref”

“Regroup Aussies”

“Brave football, 10 men, Australia you did us proud”

“First cahill then kewell just give us a chance!”

Followed by the final exclamation point…

“Fuck Soccer”.

Plus, in between vitriolic Soccer-related updates, I got to see how someone needs me to find their Toucan on some retarded Treasure Island Facebook-game.

That’s multi-tasking, bitches.

BPM

Facebook – Bringing People Together Since ’05

May 31, 2010

There’s truly nothing like an internet-fueled pretend celebration.

So with that in mind I can barely wait for this Thursday, June 3rd. Because Facebook has reliably informed me that Thursday is…

HUG A HALF ASIAN DAY!

But which half do I hug?

Awesome. I’m all for multiculturalism. Especially if it gives me some tangential reason to break out THIS song:

But be warned…

Did you know that if you hug a half Asian… you become a half Asian?!?!?

Ponder that, bitches.

BPM