Posts Tagged ‘Heidi Montag’

And Matthew raised his pimp-hand, and Bert wept

August 23, 2010

Don't make him have to choke a bitch - cos he'll do it

I tilt my hat o’irony to Matthew Newton, who’s managed to achieve the near impossible.

He is (or as it turns out, was) part of a television show that also included Kyle Sandilands, and yet he’s still capable of taking out the title as the ‘X-Factor’ uber-douche.


Yesterday his girlfriend Rachael Taylor had an AVO issued against him for at least 2 counts of unprovoked violence. This is just 4 years after ex-girlfriend Brooke Satchwell had him charged with assault in 2006, a charge he escaped with a 12-month good behaviour bond. Newton has been in and out of rehab for a while, and has reportedly been treated for various ‘psychiatric issues’ for a prolonged period.

Hmm… psychiatric issues… funny how we never seem to read about his psychiatric issues provoking fights with other men now, isn’t it?

Sadly, the Son of Bert may not even be this week’s premier douche-pickle.

So the wife gets 412 cosmetic surgery procedures, and you can't be bothered with a shave or a haircut?

The appropriately named Spencer Pratt, soon to be ex-husband of plastic fantastic Heidi Montag, is apparently spruiking a sex tape around Los Angeles featuring his former paramour. One of the key selling features? It contains footage of the love of his life mid-coitus… pre and post cosmetic-Frankensteinology!

Remember that this is just 16 months after their extravagant dream wedding in April 2009, and less than 4 months after officially separating.

Two fame whores… a boatload of silicon… a million tweets…

If they can’t make it work, what chance do the rest of us have?

He’s trying to sell the tape to Vivid, the same company that distributed sex-tapes of Kendra Wilkinson, Kim Kardashian and, more recently, the porn debut of Larry Fishburne’s daughter Montana.

But really, who wants to watch a sex tape where the dude probably spends more time filming himself than the lady celeb he’s bumping naughties with?

Two special dudes. I hereby christen the BPM ‘Douche of the Week’ award…


Give it time… we’re gonna be bigger than the Logies.



Attention-Whoring 101

June 10, 2010

I wondered why a random post I wrote in January was suddenly getting hits a plenty, so I clicked upon it myself this morning to refresh my memory.

It was a brief rant I wrote about celeb-embarrassment Tila Tequila, accompanied by a salacious picture of the lady in question in lingerie.

Much like this one

So why were dudes choosing to jerk it over this pneumatic bimbo now?

Because apparently a few days back Tila tried (once again) to cause a kerfuffle on Twitter by posting pictures of her bloody suicide attempt.

Her bloody make-believe suicide attempt.

Wow... so Tila knows how to mix corn syrup and red food dye too

Perpetrated by an alternate personality she calls Jane.

“Jane was just here! She tried to kill me!! Blood everywhere! She slit up my entire body with knives! I’m scared blood everywhere!”

The Los Angeles Police Department were called to the scene, only to leave shortly thereafter, after what I’m sure were some pretty terse words to Ms. Tequila.


Think about this for a moment… if any of this idiot’s personalities chooses to self-harm, it’s actually somebodies job to try to talk her out of it. Your law enforcement officials are legally obliged to spend quality man-hours on Tila motherfucking Tequila.

In between shit like this story and rumours that the bovine-gazed Heidi Montag and her equally brain-dead husband Spencer Pratt are pursuing a divorce purely as a publicity stunt… I ask myself:

If we, as a species, have evolved so far that natural selection hasn’t already picked these idiots off one by one, have we really evolved whatsoever?

A little harsh, perhaps. I’ll apologize for my POV on this one when Tila’s alternate identity named Darwin puts her out of my misery, and makes this entire argument null and void.


How could ‘Transformers 3’ get any worse, you ask?

May 22, 2010

Seems Megan Fox is officially history, and now this mentally deficient blow-up doll has put her hand up for the role of Shia’s love interest…

The song title says it all, really.

And how do we know she’s even interested? Check out her carefully crafted, oh so subtle tweet here.

Cos what those movies really need is a woman even more artificial-looking than a whole army of transforming robots.

Michael Bay works in mysterious ways…