Posts Tagged ‘Lara Bingle’

Lara did what now?

March 5, 2010

My favorite follow-up headline to the Bingle/Fevola controversy?



from the Daily Telegraph

Apparently what they meant is that she went and got a 90 minute massage.

Suffice to say that wasn’t my initial interpretation of the headline.



Boofhead Brendan’s Bingle Boobie Blunder

March 4, 2010

Alliteration; it’s fun.

"Ok, do we have a photo of Lara looking pretty? Yes? Good, now can we put it next to a photo of Brendan looking like he's about to eye-fuck someone to death? We do? Perfect!

AFL numskull Brendan Fevola has once again found a way to plumb new dick-headed depths.

Reports this week that Lara Bingle (who we’ve followed extensively on this blog) plans to sue Brendan for allegedly texting THIS photo on his mobile phone to pretty much every human being even vaguely connected with Aussie Rules football:

Author’s note: My apologies. This WAS the spot where the pixelated Bingle-shower photo had originally appeared. However, I assume by now everyone knows the picture I’m talking about. Plus there’s the fact that over time this blog became one of the first listings on Google Images for any search variation of ‘Lara Bingle Nude Fevola’. Not cool. Enjoy the replacement, “Bingle at Bondi”. There’s every chance you’re only finding it because you searched for ‘Dog sniff Lara Bingle hoohoo’. If that be the case, then good for you.

Lara had a brief affair with Fev some time in 2006, and was 19 at the time this photo was taken.

Everyone from John Howard, to Deputy PM Julia Gillard, to Victorian Women’s Trust executive director Mary Crooks have slammed Fevola’s actions as being those of an emotionally immature bully.

Which seems totally out of character for the guy who:

  • Was involved in what Carlton described as three separate ‘alcohol related incidents’ in 2001
  • Was divorced by his wife for his fling with Bingle in 2006
  • Assaulted a barman on a tour of Ireland with the AFL International Rules side, also in 2006
  • Was removed from the Carlton leadership group in 2008 for urinating on a restaurant window
  • Allegedly hit several woman on the head with a sex toy on ‘Mad Monday’ after Carlton’s season ended in 2008
  • Was eventually traded by Carlton for his disgraceful drunken behavior at the televised 2009 Brownlow Medal count

So many conflicting emotions… but first…

Why the hell did the Womans Day‘ print these photos in the first place? They even paid a source within football circles a ‘undisclosed amount’ for them. Is the Editor-In-Chief a concerned Auntie of Michael Clark? Is it because Bec Hewitt is no longer a valid target? Or is it really just that they’re playing to their key demographic, middle-aged housewives to whom Lara perfectly embodies the young, dumb, vacuous, home-wrecking stereotype?

I’ll admit that before I saw the photo I too instinctively had little sympathy for Bingle. Probably just another starlet who sent a picture she shouldn’t have…

But one look at that photo is enough to know that’s obviously not the case here. This isn’t Rhianna or Vanessa Hudgens taking a picture of their naughty bits to MMS to a boyfriend. It’s a nude photo taken against somebody’s will.

Don’t believe me? Then you’ve never had a female significant other yell at you to get the ‘F’ out of the bathroom while they’re in the shower. Look at the pic again. You think there’s any chance whatsoever that Lara wasn’t in the initial stages of a two word send-off to the photographer in question?

That being said, as you may have gathered from my previous rants, I’m no Lara Bingle fan. And another sector of my brain initially found it hard to empathize with a woman taking the moral high ground in this specific scenario, when it’s an unfortunate off-shoot of the affair she had with a married man. Bingle has since claimed that, because she was a Sydney girl, she had no idea Fevola was married until she heard one of his children in the background during a phone call. I find her protestations of innocence pretty ridiculous, being that a) Fevola’s 2005 wedding to wife Alex was fairly high-profile in the Australian media, and b) even a 19-year-old swimsuit model can probably work out how to use Google.

Google - it even works in Sydney

Still, this is neither here nor there. It takes two to tango, even if the two in question share an IQ something close to the number on the back of Fevola’s footy jumper. We can debate all we want as to whether Bingle knew Fevola was taken or not, but we know for certain that he knew he was taken. And he knows that we know that he knew. You know?

The point here is that the photo has (I’ll say ‘allegedly’, again) been circulating in footy circles for several years now. As a joke. Remove the vagaries of celebrity for a moment, the fact that Lara Bingle is yet another example of everything that’s wrong about fame for the sake of fame’s sake. It’s a nude photo of a young woman in the shower, taken without her consent. Can you even begin to imagine how you would feel if that was your friend, your sister, your mother, your wife or girlfriend in that picture? Sure, it’s an old argument, but pretty effective in this instance. Anyone who’ll defend somebody who would perform such a despicable and degrading act has probably never even contemplated that notion.

That or they’re one of those one-eyed, Fev-lovin’ Carlton supporters still irate he was traded to Brisbane in 2009. Between them and the women inclined to hate Lara Bingle solely on principle (“That cheating, blond haired, blue eyed, big-titted bitch!“), opinion is wayyyyy more evenly divided than you might expect.

I don’t know… it’ll be news for a few days. There’ll be another gentle slap on the wrist for Fevola (as ‘The Simpsons’ once said, “We don’t send our celebrities to jail!”) If proven to be responsible, he’ll make a Tiger-esque public apology, purely because that’s just the way we play the game.

And rest assured that the hot-button topic of ‘teenage sexting’ will once again rear its ugly head, even though it doesn’t have a hell of a lot to do with this specific incident.

Besides we all know who’s REALLY to blame here… Dr. Eric Fossum, creator of the CMOS active pixel image sensor, which enabled the birth of the Camera Phone.  Curse you Fossum, and this slippery, slippery slope of technology and morality that you unknowingly set us on!

Yes, this is actually a picture of the Eric Fossum I'm talking about

Curse… You… FOSSUM!!!!!!!


Finally! The Bingle-heist Mastermind revealed!

January 19, 2010

After several weeks of dogged detective work, police have finally managed to apprehend the culprit responsible for the theft of Lara Bingle’s $250,000 Aston Martin in late December.

But who could it be? Images flash through your head… ‘Oceans 11’, ‘The Italian Job’, ‘The Thomas Crown Affair’, ‘Entrapment’, ‘Robin Hood’, ‘The Pink Panther’. Surely this couldn’t be the work of one man?! And if it was, how could any single law enforcement body possibly hope to contain him?

Police are refusing to release a name (grrrrrrr!), but they have revealed that they arrested a 14-year-old Sydney boy at his La Perouse home on Monday.

Wait… what?

That’s right. The Machiavellian crim that sparked this whole investigation? He just finished 8th grade.

SHIT! He's armed now too??? We're boned!

That’s right, Lara. You were out-thunk by a kid who didn’t get his pen license until a year or two ago.

Good luck to this dude. In my opinion all charges should be dropped, Junior here has performed a vital service to the community. He’s not only shone a torch on the air-headed ineptitude of another rich white girl, but in doing so he’s also empowered me to keep posting pictures of Lara Bingle in her next-to-nothings for no good reason.

Weird... I have this same outfit

Shit, when I was 14 it took most of what I had not to bump into things or scratch myself in public. This kid has raised the bar for all petty thieves heading to juvenile court. He’s doing something with his life, man.

We salute you, Teenage Boy!


Be vewy vewy quiet

December 31, 2009

Read in the news this morning that model / sports-guy-sexerer Lara Bingle had her car stolen overnight.

Her 2008 Vantage Coupe Aston Martin. Her $250,000 Aston Martin. The one that her fiance, Australian cricketer Michael Clarke, gave her as a gift, and that she’s previously admitted she has trouble driving because “it’s a heavy car”. You can tell she’s upset too, because she tweeted this morning “Aston GONE… KARMA” (note the caps for emphasis).

My heart BLEEDS.

For those who don’t know Lara Bingle, she was the face of Australia’s misguided ‘Where the Bloody Hell Are You?’ tourism campaign. And she’s… uhh… well she’s also done… hmm… she modeled for… err… she’s appeared on…

Look, she’s famous! Alright?!

That's not what we meant when we asked you to promote our all new, all comfortable pads Lara

According to news reports (yes, this actually qualifies as ‘news’) the car was stolen on Tuesday night from the parking garage below Bingle’s luxury 6th floor apartment in Sydney as she slept.

Police apparently have no leads, and are baffled by how the thieves managed to access the underground parking structure.

Why has this caught my attention?

All the articles I’ve read thus far make special mention of the ingenious nature of the crime, and it’s been inferred more than once how devious these guys must have been to out-wit, out-last and out-play Lara Bingle.

Are we thinking of the same Lara Bingle?

I’ve got news for you folks, it probably didn’t take a plan of ‘Oceans 11’ proportions to bypass the boundless intellect of a Speedos model.

Do those dead eyes haunt anyone else?

If I walked up to Lara Bingle after she parked said car on the street, pointed over her shoulder and said “Look over there for 20 seconds!”… would I end up with any less Aston Martin than these devilish crims?

Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to go work on my plan to steal Big Brother evictee / celebrity rack Krystal Forscutt’s credit cards. I’m thinking I approach her and say “Hi, do you mind if I borrow your credit cards?”

Failing that I call Casey Affleck, Scott Caan and that little Chinese acrobat to take things from there…