Not looking forward quite so much to March 31st anymore, are you?
Not looking forward quite so much to March 31st anymore, are you?
I saw a commercial on television a few nights ago advertising the latest incarnation of a staple of damn near EVERYONE’S childhood.
Behold! From the good people at Hasbro…
Yeah, that’s right. It’s Monopoly Electronic Banking™!
Because fuck counting, that’s why!
Apparently all the paper currency has been replaced by this…
Time honoured traditions like stealing from the bank, and letting someone slide on a $2 rental fee at Old Kent Road are now a thing of the past. You know… like kids being capable of being able to add or subtract in their heads. Or spell words longer than 4 letters long.
I personally was taught how to play Monopoly at the tender age of 5 by my older cousin Adrian. Whenever Adrian or I would stay at one another’s home to sleepover, for years he would habitually wake me up at 3 or 4am, tell me it was actually 6 (I wasn’t old enough to either read a clock that wasn’t digital, or to realise what a devious bastard my cousin was), and play endless games of Monopoly while ‘Star Wars’ played on a loop on our Beta video machine at super low volume.
Now I can’t speak for everyone (although God knows I spend enough time around here acting as if I do), but I can tell you that as a young’un the tag team of Cousin Adrian and Monopoly taught me a hell of a lot about the value of money, how to do basic math quickly, and that no matter what economic strategy I chose in life, I was predestined to be a complete financial failure.
It’s probably just another pang of needless nostalgia (a specialty of my generation), but replacing those classic orange $500 notes with a swipe card? It just seems so soulless.
Yes, I’m aware that I’m now defending the soul of a board game that teaches children how best to financially cripple their friends and family. Deal with it.
I’m sure Monopoly Electronic Banking is only the beginning. As a brand, Monopoly for Hasbro is still a license to print money (or swipe cards). According to Wikipedia, there are literally dozens of variants of the Monopoly Classic we all know and love. They have to stay current, have to move with the times. So it can only be a matter of time before Monopoly Online Banking is released. Just think…
And of course, thanks to the boffins that brought you the Hollywood train wreck that was ‘Battleship: The Movie’ this year, just try and restrain yourself until the inevitable cinematic adaptation arrives at theatre near you!
That might sounds ludicrous to 99.8% of you, but somewhere there’s a Hollywood producer slapping his forehead, exclaiming “That’s perfect! And then we cast Ludacris as the little Scotty Dog!”
Shit, I’m just giving them ideas now…
That being said, I’d just like everyone to know that yours truly DID just win a beauty contest, and if you could each send me 50 bucks sometime soon, it’d be greatly appreciated.
The Button Pushing Monkey – Home of the Internet’s Finest Monopoly-Related Humour.
Meh… probably not.
thanks to By Ken Levine
Don’t know about you, but it only took me a few bars before the ‘Family Matters’ theme smacked me across the face and rocketed me back to 1989.
* shudder *
With a cast chock-full of action movie icons, there has been some debate as to who the star of ‘The Expendables’ truly is.
Is it Sly, with his artificial 60-year-old body, and even more artificial face?
Is it Jason Statham, anointed in an ass kicking changing-of-the-guard?
Is it Jet Li, the no longer quite so svelte martial arts hero?
Or is it any one of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Mickey Rourke, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture, Terry Crews or Stone Cold Steve Austin?
The answer to these questions? A resounding no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no and no.
Meet the real star of ‘The Expendables’:
As wielded by Terry Crews’ character Hale Caesar, the AA-12 elicits a far bigger response than Stallone, Arnie or Bruce could ever hope to receive at this stage of their respective careers. Proving the old action flick adage that absolutely anything can be combustible and/or flammable, it’s good old-fashioned Gun-Porn at its absolute finest.
As for the rest of the flick?
Surprisingly underwhelming. Stallone does his best to pack the script with 80’s action cliches… there’s homo-erotic bromance, terrible dialogue, there’s an evil South American General, a sexy female resistance leader, there’s the least effectual militia in film history, there’s mention of cocaine smuggling, and of course there are explosions aplenty. All it lacks is a few gratuitous boobies and ‘The Expendables’ would have, in theory, ticked all the necessary boxes.
And yet as a popcorn, OTT, ultra-violent superman movie experience, it’s lacking something.
What that something is is incredibly hard to put your finger on. I can’t speak for everybody, but I don’t go into ‘The Expendables’ with massive expectations for story, plot, character development, logic or any kind of thematic resonance.
What I do want is fun.
Mindless, brain-at-the-door, ain’t this cool fun.
And for all it’s explosions, and knife fights, and heavily tattooed superheroes, much like ‘Predators’ a few months back, ‘The Expendables’ is never truly as fun as you hoped it was going to be.
Which is a damn shame. And something I hope Stallone addresses in his inevitable sequel in 18 months time.
But until then, take a good look people:
Because I wouldn’t be at all surprised if the AA-12 becomes the ‘Matrix Bullet-Time’ of the 2000-teens.
Hope your Nostalgia Gland is fully functional on this fine Friday morning…
For at least one year… which, come to think of it, sounds slightly more like a court-enforced sentence than a reunion… but whatever.
This is probably what ‘Take That’ are best remembered for:
Remember only a few years ago when Robbie Williams was a Pop Icon? OK, not in America perhaps… but in those countries still part of the Commonwealth, he was a Solo Sensation™. I guess living like you were a 21st century Caligula for a couple of years means you can burn through money pretty quick… but Robbie… ‘Take That’? Is playing second banana to Gary Barlow really worth it?
It also makes me wonder if ‘Band – Band Split – Solo Projects – Band Reunion‘ is now just a standard part of serious long-term business planning in the music industry.
In any case, rejoice ‘Take That’ fans. For $100 a ticket you’ll get to see a bloated version of your teenage idols on a world tour, very soon.
Personally, I’m going to hold out a little longer for the ‘All Saints’ / ‘East 17’ / ‘5ive’ reunion super-tour.
Who’s with me?
Ahhhh, the 80’s… a simpler time, where cyber-bullying was not yet a blip on the horizon, the atomic wedgie was king, and the nerd lived in fear.
So yesterday at the behest of my 11-year-old brother we went to see ‘Alvin & the Chipmunks 2: The Squeakquel’.
Yes, I’m disappointed in him too.
Our 14-year-old sister joined us, as did my wife begrudgingly. She soon changed her tune though, regaling the kids with stories about seeing an awesome Chipmunk movie including the Chippettes way back in OUR youth.
Turns out she’s right. Not only did we both see ‘The Chipmunk Adventure’, turns out we saw it at the same place, good ol’ Melton Twin Cinemas in ’88. That movie had everything; hot air balloons, a race around the world, diamond smuggling, a chorus of squeaky voices singing ‘Woolly Bully’. Everything.
So we toddle in for our helping of this new-fangled CG hilarity, only to find the cinema is literally sold out. We separate into pairs, ask people if they could move along 1 seat (please?), and strap in for the ride.
10 minutes in and I’m already thinking…
“Jason Lee’s not going to be in this one too much… you can’t sell your soul to Satan twice, can you?”
“Who teaches a Chipmunk to play the guitar anyways?”
“I hope David Cross did a LOT of blow with his fat movie cheque”.
And then out of nowhere…
“I wonder if they could re-tread the plot of that old movie… with the hot air balloons and the diamonds and the evil smugglers…” Only to hear my brain respond, “Hmmmm… probably not. Kids today might think that plot was a bit silly or too far-fetched”.
Ladies and Gents, there comes a point when you realize that you have sub-consciously prepared yourself to accept that these computer animated rodents can talk, they can sing, that they are world-famous rock stars that human females swoon over.
But the thought of inserting a race around the world in hot air balloons… THAT’S implausible???
I don’t know whether this meant that the movie was deceptively effective, or that I’m just becoming more and more of a dumbass by the second. Probably a combination of both.
What do you do? What CAN you do?
I chose to just sink further into my chair and my sense of self loathing, sipping a $4.90 Coke whilst I prepared for the Chippettes rendition of ‘Single Ladies’.
I need a lie down.