Posts Tagged ‘U.K’

The Darkest Knight

March 5, 2013

‘BATMAN BRINGS IN SUSPECT TO BRADFORD POLICE’

Batman-1_2499194b

from BBC News

Because he’s the hero Britain deserves, not the hero it needs right now…

Apparently this guy was really just some dude named Stan (Stan?!?!) who was returning home from a football match that he’d attended in fancy dress, dropping a mate off at the police station.

He doesn’t REALLY think he’s Batman at all. He TOLD the police his NAME, for gods sake!

You don’t tell people your secret identity! That’s like rule number 1 of being Batman: Don’t tell people who you really are!

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Unless… you know… you’ve stopped being Batman for 8 years for whatever reason…

Then feel free to tell every single person you meet for the next couple of months that you’re Batman.

So wait... I SHOULDN'T invite all these people back for drinks back at Wayne Manor? They won't make that connection, right?

So wait… I SHOULDN’T invite all these people back for drinks back at Wayne Manor? They won’t make that connection, right?

See how that works out.

Right, Chris Nolan?

Yup. I’m still bitter.

BPM

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Around the World in 80 Films

September 15, 2010

So The Wife and I are just days away from a prolonged and well deserved trip overseas, and we’ve quickly learned two rather valuable lessons:

  1. Much like deciding whether or not to have your first child (or so I’ve heard), when it comes to traveling there is no such thing as being fully prepared, and…
  2. For the virgin traveler it’s legitimately scary just how much our opinions and mental images of foreign locations are formed through the prism of pop culture.

Our first stopover: Egypt. Is it really to my benefit to form any preconceived notions about their mythology, values or culture based purely on a popcorn flick like ‘The Mummy’? Because, sadly, I’m guilty of this.

Soooo... should I bring my own gun? Is that cool?

Then on to Rome… a ‘Roman Holiday’? Are scooters mandatory? How do I do that ‘hand bitten off by Mouth of Truth’ bit without The Wife pummeling me?

Proof positive that Gregory Peck and Audrey Hepburn can make absolutely anything look cool

And Paris? We’re definitely visiting the Louvre, excessive lining-up be damned. But what’s the first thing we want to see when we get there?

For the record, Audrey Tautou is the second thing I want to see in France

On to the U.K, and picturesque London town. But I can’t imagine driving to go see Stonehenge without doing my worst Spinal Tap impression. And as for visiting the lovely villages dotted about the English countryside… are you kidding?!? I’ve seen shows like ‘A Touch of Frost’ and ‘Inspector Lewis’ on the ABC – those little towns are deadlier than a Tehran afternoon.

'E was murdered behind that hedgerow, right?

Once we arrive in New York, one of our besties has insisted that we have afternoon tea / brunch at the world famous Plaza Hotel. Why? Well, because she’d seen it in films and TV shows like ‘Sleepless in Seattle’, ‘Sex & the City’, ‘Bride Wars’ and ‘Gossip Girls’.

And 'Home Alone II: Lost in New York', don't forget that!

I swear to God that The Wife and I have even seriously debated the pros and cons of public transport in Los Angeles, all because we re-watched ‘Speed’ about 2 months ago.

The sole reason we're renting a car whilst in L.A

It’s made me realize that for years I’ve shrugged off “ignorant American’s”, and their simplistic, ‘Crocodile Dundee’ take on Australia.

“Throw another shrimp on the barbie” – I’ve never barbecued shrimp. And I don’t speak in a quasi-Cockney accent…

“Have a Fosters” – I’m 30, and I can honestly say I’ve never even tasted Fosters beer…

“A Dingo took my baby” – Lindy Chamberlain conjures up one imaginary feral Dog, and we’re saddled with Meryl Streep’s worst acting performance ever…

And yet here’s me coming up with pop culture connections a gajillion times worse.

So I’m going to take this opportunity to say:

I apologize, America. Many of your citizens probably are ignorant, but no more ignorant than I.

You know, objectively this should be a fascinating exploration of one sheltered mind’s exposure to a much larger world.

But with that being said, I will be taking a bunch of movies and TV shows to watch on my laptop while I’m away…

Because as awesome as Honolulu promises to be, could it ever be any better than ’50 First Dates’???

Right?

Huh?

What?

What did I say…

BPM

Death by Penile Knot-Tying… how do I put a sheet bend in this???

August 10, 2010

MAN DIED AFTER TYING GENITALS TO TREE

Penis and Tree not pictured

from Ninemsn.com.au

An inquest this week has heard that 44-year-old British man Kevin Kirkland’s official C.O.D has been determined as hypothermia and blood loss, after the court heard he tied his penis to a tree only to become trapped for several hours in wintry conditions with no clothes on.

Initial thought: Knot a good idea… wokka wokka wokka…

Second thought: Even David Carradine is giggling at this dude in the afterlife.

Third and most disturbing thought: What kind of junk are you packing if you can tie it around a tree!?!

No one's talking to you, Dirk!

Upon further reading we discover that Mr. Kirkland didn’t actually physically tie his penis to the tree – instead he used some rope to create a makeshift pair of handcuffs and uhh… dickcuffs?

Which should be a reassuring thought, as compared to the aforementioned ‘dick tied directly to tree’ theory. Right?

Well, if you’ve ever had a rope burn before, cast your mind back…

Now imagine that pain, all up in your bidness.

Hours after becoming stuck, Kirkland was found by two people out for a walk, still alive, bound to the tree and covered in dried blood. After calling the police and paramedics, one of them covered Kirkland with his coat.

You know… “to give him some dignity“.

A nice gesture.

But when it comes to dignity… if you find a bondage freak buck-naked in public, in the midst of some kind of Dendrophiliac festish-act gone wrong…

That horse may have already sailed.

Apologies. What I meant to say was that your boat may already have bolted

BPM

Headline of the week

July 19, 2010

WOMAN SEES ‘SEX & THE CITY’, BEDS 1000 MEN

from News of the World

Wow… the headline basically says it all, huh.

British woman Christina Saunders wasn’t initially interested in the TV series ‘Sex & the City’, but whilst stuck on the couch with the flu one day 10 years ago, she thought she’d give it a try.

‘Inspired’ by the sexually liberated character of Samantha, Christina soon made it her mission to sleep with 1000 men, a feat she finally managed to achieve last month at a friend’s party.

Saunders admitted some of her friends weren’t completely supportive, and may have”accused her of being a slut”.

And now? She just wants to settle down, and find a man who loves her for her… one who she doesn’t give a score out of 10 based on sexual performance, presumably.

The word ‘inspired’ is the kicker here, I think…

I guess we just thank Christ that Christina didn’t settle down to watch ‘The Sopranos’ on that fateful day in 2000, lest she’d decided to pursue a life of mafioso excess and criminal impulses.

Or ‘Alias’, which could have driven Saunders to be a double-super-triple undercover secret agent who owned many colorful wigs.

Or ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’, which…

Sarah Michelle Gellar helps me illustrate 'Staking a Joke to Death'

It just goes to show you though, if you have a dream you shouldn’t let ANYTHING stand in your way –

Not your friends. Not your better judgment. Not venereal disease.

NOT ANYTHING!

BPM