Posts Tagged ‘Weird News’

The Darkest Knight

March 5, 2013

‘BATMAN BRINGS IN SUSPECT TO BRADFORD POLICE’

Batman-1_2499194b

from BBC News

Because he’s the hero Britain deserves, not the hero it needs right now…

Apparently this guy was really just some dude named Stan (Stan?!?!) who was returning home from a football match that he’d attended in fancy dress, dropping a mate off at the police station.

He doesn’t REALLY think he’s Batman at all. He TOLD the police his NAME, for gods sake!

You don’t tell people your secret identity! That’s like rule number 1 of being Batman: Don’t tell people who you really are!

h5E9D42A9

Unless… you know… you’ve stopped being Batman for 8 years for whatever reason…

Then feel free to tell every single person you meet for the next couple of months that you’re Batman.

So wait... I SHOULDN'T invite all these people back for drinks back at Wayne Manor? They won't make that connection, right?

So wait… I SHOULDN’T invite all these people back for drinks back at Wayne Manor? They won’t make that connection, right?

See how that works out.

Right, Chris Nolan?

Yup. I’m still bitter.

BPM

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I find your lack of faith… yadayadayada

February 12, 2013

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Pope Benedict XVI resigns his position as head of the papacy. The Catholic Church is left reeling. World is shocked.

Internet explodes.

And yet, in the past month alone the internets has exploded MULTIPLE times… over the Grammy’s, a blackout at the Superbowl, whether Beyonce lip-syncs or not, the news that JJ Abrams will control the hearts and minds of both Star Wars AND Trek fans, and the revelation that every professional athlete anywhere is probably maybe taking something…

24 hour news cycle, baby.

My tip for the next biggest news story of all time?

Beyonce is elected the next Pope, but only after a power failure at Vatican City means the papal conclave is forced to release fake white smoke from their chimneys. The smoke is later revealed to contain traces of HGH, Beyonce resigns after a week in disgrace, only to then be cast as both Lieutenant Uhura in the next Star Trek film and the ass-kicking descendent of Mace Windu in Star Wars episodes 7-9.

The force is... umm... strong? With this one?

The force is… umm… strong? With this one?

And even THAT’S only gonna tide us over for a week. At best.

Wake me when the zombie apocalypse finally happens, won’t you? Now THAT’S news.

BPM

 

Screw you Apatow – This is 32*

September 20, 2012

*Or, you know, maybe not. I have nothing against Judd Apatow. Not even the fact that he’s personally responsible for Katherine Heigl’s movie career. Sometimes you just need a title, and “The Introspective Ponderings of a Self-Loathing Potential Narcissist” seemed a LITTLE heavy…  

“Sigh… and then what did Kim Kardashian say?”

It will come as no surprise to anyone that’s ever read my drivel to know that I’m far too obsessed with all the wrong shit. I’d love to spend my days entrenched in conversation about philosophical concepts beyond the comprehension of 98.4% of the general population. It’d be great to have an extensive knowledge of the history of Baroque music. And I have no doubt that spending hours conducting exhaustive research for the thesis I’d someday write about the geo-politics of Australasian territories… that’d be swell.

However, what also will come as very little surprise to you, is that I ain’t that smart.

Not as smart as I’d like to be. Not as smart as I pretend to be. Not even as smart as I’d settle on being.

And so, rather than high-minded pursuits, my attention is dragged to what is basically the ephemera of world news. I’m so focussed on the algae resting atop the aquarium, that I never even notice the tropical fish below.

A point made doubly true by the fact that I know so little of algae, or of tropical fish, that my clumsy metaphor might be complete bullshit.

Just be thankful this is a picture of an actual aquarium… I’ll bet a million dollars someone somewhere uses ‘Dirty Aquarium’ as a sexual euphemism

GET TO THE POINT! 

So in the past week, I’ve been swamped by the kind of stories that would normally constitute their own posts here at the BPM.

There was the leaked video of Mitt Romney at a private dinner, where he told potential donors at a fund-raiser that approximately 47% of Americans believed they were entitled to things like food, or health care, and that “…my job is not to worry about those people. I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives”.

There was a kind of international moral litmus test involving the topless photos taken of Kate Middleton, as she and Prince William  sunbathed at a private château in France. The argument for publishing is encapsulated in this quote from Danish magazine Se of Hoer: “It is in the DNA of Se og Hoer that we should entertain and fulfil our readers’ curiosity. Therefore it is always relevant for us when a duchess and future queen of England is topless and voluntarily shows her breasts near a public road”.

And then there is the counter argument, that photo’s taken of a private estate from over a kilometre away, of the wife of a Prince whose mother died as she was being chased by paparazzi, might not be totes cool. For the record, thus far the British, American’s and Australian’s have chosen to err on the side of “Dude… really?!?”, as the Dane’s, Italian’s and French maintain their stance of “Hooray for boobies!”.

There was the initially peaceful protest by Muslims in Sydney’s Hyde Park, revolving around the now infamous American amateur film posted on YouTube which mocks Muhammed. As absolutely no one could’ve predicted, it swiftly got wayyyy out of hand. There was the image of a 4-year-old holding a sign that read ‘Behead All Those Who Insult The Prophet’. There was his mother, who upon being investigated by police, insisted that she didn’t know what the word ‘behead’ meant. And, of course, the inevitable online rush of white, middle-class, anglo ‘real’ Aussies to join Facebook groups represented by pictures like this one:

Don’t rush to judgement, the bottom word there has more syllables than any other word in his entire vocabulary

There was the vote in Australian parliament on the possibility of legalising gay marriage, where Liberal senator Cory Bernardi, a close ally of Tony Abbott, was forced to resign from his position after controversially phrasing his objection to gay marriage as follows: “The next step … is having three people that love each other be able to enter into a permanent union endorsed by society, or four people… There are even some creepy people out there, who say that it’s OK to have consensual sexual relations between humans and animals. Will that be a future step?”

Wow… all this is too heavy, Monkey. What about something to lighten the mood?

Well, there was ex-child star Amanda Bynes yet again throwing down the gauntlet to Lindsay Lohan, by continuing to unravel in public… you know, if you call driving on a suspended licence, multiple hit-and-run incidents, and driving whilst smoking pot unravelling. Lindsay responded by (of course) tweeting…
 … only to ‘allegedly’ hit a man in New York less than a week later, trying to park her car outside a hotel. Whilst under the influence, natch.

Now, the REAL challenge here… how does one create some kind of tangential link between such a disparate group of stories?

Well, how about this – they all elicited more or less the exact same kind of reaction from me. A reaction that kind of went something like this…

Sighing. Slumping of shoulders. Shaking of head. Curse word. Acceptance.

That’s in real-time, too.

I’ve officially finally reached the point of apathy where it’s almost impossible to legitimately feel any sense of outrage at the kind of source material that drives most of this blog. I emphasise the word legitimate, because I, like so many people, can still manufacture outrage well enough on occasion. But real emotion?

I suppose on one hand this is potentially a healthy development for me. Why should I give a shit (or indeed, quite so many shits) about these strangers, whose lives will never really intersect with mine on any level whatsoever? Shouldn’t this free up some psychic real estate that can now revolve around newer, healthier thoughts and obsessions? Like Baroque, philosophy, theses… you know… all that shit?

Baroque Art… kind of like an album cover for the band ‘Live’ circa 1995

Perhaps. I don’t know yet. I do know that more and more often I’m seeing no resolution to a raft of world issues as disparate as the Australian political stance on gay marriage, or anglo-Islamic relations, the intrusiveness of the papparazzi, or… Lindsay Lohan… no resolution except for “Well, what are you going to do except wait and hope for generational change?”.

Which still feels like a cowards way out to me, on many levels. Sure, I still believe in the causes that I believe in. I can call out bigotry, or prejudice, or the evils of Twitter, celebrity stupidity and entitlement. But even as I’m doing so, I increasingly find myself thinking that the only hope we have is that the next generation of Button Pushing Monkeys grow up in a society incrementally less hateful towards homosexuals, incrementally less divided by religion and culture, incrementally more respectful, and hopeful, and… better?

I’m still a young man. But I can admit that as far back as I can remember I’ve always been (perhaps to a degree that’s unhealthy) a cynic. Is this just what passes for hope as we get older? I’m interested in others opinions.

Perhaps in this world the most important thing is retaining any kind of hope at all.

It was Stephen King that said “Remember, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies”.

And I hope that’s true.

Thanks for bearing with me this long down the rabbit-hole/ up my own ass, folks. I promise our usual dick’n’fart joke broadcast will resume shortly.

BPM

Well… what would YOUR stand-off demands be?

July 10, 2012

‘MAN IN STAND-OFF DEMANDS PIZZA, PARIS HILTON’

from ninemsn.com.au

When Frederick Denny barricaded himself into a New York hotel room this weekend and threatened to shoot police officers, he decided to aim high when negotiators asked him just what it was that he wanted.

His response? As the headline says, he wanted a pizza.

Oh, and the hand in marriage of millionaire socialite Paris Hilton.

So he aimed high… but not too high.

When negotiations broke down, the fuzz broke down his door, pepper-sprayed the poor schmo, and arrested his ass.

A pity. Because what better way to kick TomKat off the cover of every gossip magazine in the world than with THE CELEBRITY WEDDING OF THE YEAR!!!!

Oh, don’t look so haughty… you’ve done worse

Paris + night vision + Sexy Frederick + pizza… come on, tell me you wouldn’t watch that sex tape.

Rumours that Kris Jenner is trying to convince a second gunmen to hold his own stand-off, whilst demanding a lamb souvlaki and Khloe Kardashian remain completely unfounded…. at this stage, at least.

Though we probably shouldn’t give Kris any more great ideas

 BPM

The Evolution of Comedy is… Pranking?

June 13, 2012

‘MELBOURNE ‘ZOMBIE’ TERRORISES STRANGERS’

 

from ninemsn.com.au

Sigh… why do I start so many of these posts with a disgusted exhalation at the state of the world around me? WHY?!?!?!

I swear to you the only reason this story initially caught my attention was because it happened right around my neck of the woods in sunny Melbourne. Click the link above to read.

Key point here is that self-professed professional comedian and prankster Alki Stevens filmed the latest of his of rib-tickling pranks for YouTube, a skit where he dressed as a zombie and leapt out at unsuspecting passers-by.

Observe:

I read about Stevens a while ago in our local newspaper, in a story that attempted to make an awfully big deal about the fact that he invented the internet craze ‘cone-ing’. Never heard of cone-ing? It’s where you buy an ice-cream cone from McDonalds, only to take it from the person serving you and hold it by the wrong end / start eating it in a bizarre fashion / stick it to your forehead / etc.

A business card idea for you, Mr. Stevens

As a ‘comedian’, I guess my first question for Mr. Stevens regarding his ability to jump on this zombie fad only… I don’t know… 3 or 4 years after the rest of the internet, would be… why?

More specifically?

What’s the point? What are you trying to say? What’s the ‘joke’ here? Is there even a joke? Is the joke merely to elicit some form of an instinctive response from people?

Even the worst comedy is about something. I’d buy you maybe grasping at straws, and trying to find your own humorous take on the sudden mainstream awareness / media coverage / fear of the walking dead after the now infamous ‘zombie’ attack in Miami a few weeks back… had you not gone to great pains in the story above to specifically say that the timing or any kind of link was purely coincidental.

So as far as I can tell, most of your work relies on people reacting to you doing craaaaazzzzyyyy, disgusting, or unexpected things.

Bravo. You are the fake dog poo of internet comedy.

“Think of all the intricate, well thought out pranks we could do with THIS!”

And on a side note: if I personally saw some fucktard zombie-shuffling after me (or a group of young schoolgirls… seriously you ass clown?!) while I was walking the dog, or leaving the shopping centre, or riding my bike, then yes – I’d punch him as a reflex. I’d punch him likely as hard as I possibly could.

And then I’d punch him again when I saw it was just some idiot with a handi-cam and some fake blood, playing dress-ups.

And then I’d punch him a third time. In the balls. Whilst filming it on my iPhone.

There. Am I an internet comedian and prankster now too?

Who knows… maybe I’m wrong and Alki Stevens really is a comic genius, a voice for his generation. What a shitty reflection on an entire generation that would be.

So, until someday soon when ‘Idiocracy’s’ satirical take on the future of comedy, ‘Oww My Balls’, actually becomes a reality, with its own YouTube channel and everything…

Enjoy your hi-larious pranking and internet comedy, Gen Y. 

BPM

Mermaiding is not a thing!

February 21, 2012

‘MARY SHOWS OFF HER FIN-TASTIC SKILLS AFTER DITCHING CALL CENTRE JOB’

Could YOU resist her siren song?

from the Herald Sun

Yes, you can click on the link above, but the important dot points are as follows:

  1. This chick quit her job in a call centre because, surprise surprise, she found it boring. And, I quote, “…mermaiding is my passion”.
  2. Since she was a girl, Mary McPhail dreamt of becoming a Mermaid.
  3. She now spends all her time at various Melbourne bayside beaches.
  4. She owns a “six tail selection”.
  5. Mary now wants to make a living appearing at corporate gigs, parties, etc.
  6. She claims that Mermaiding is a worldwide trend.

 Huh.

And to think, all this time I’ve spent chained to a frigging desk, shuffling papers and screwing up Excel spreadsheets… when all I needed to do was wish that I was a Mermaid…

Sorry, Mer-MAN!

And then wish that people would pay me for it*. It all seems so obvious now!

Consequently, this blog will be going on a short hiatus while I work out how to tell the wife that I will also be quitting my job because I find it boring. However rather than take the aquatic route, I’ll soon be appearing around Melbourne dressed in a homemade cape and cowl, because as a child I was totally in to Batman.

Dark Knighting is a worldwide trend as well, right?

Because my ridiculous fantasies deserve to be funded too.

I’m pretty sure it’s only a matter of time before the corporate gigs just start rollllling in, but in the meantime cash donations to your favourite caped crusader will be hugely appreciated.

 BPM

* Then with my third wish, I wish for 3 more wishes… What… ? Mermaids grant wishes, right? Right?

Not how I’D choose to go, but whatever…

May 15, 2011

So at some point over the last 24 hours (if you’re so religiously inclined), Saint Peter is standing by the pearly gates, checking people off his list…

OK… Cancer…

Old age…

Heart attack…

Cancer…

Allergic reaction to a Wasp sting…

… ? …

OK, hold on. Wait a second – you fell from a seventh floor balcony whilst mimicking some hipster-douchebag-social media-craze you heard of last week?

Isn’t there somewhere else we can send this idiot???

Planking…

Because if you can find a better example of Generation-Y’s retarded self-obsession with documenting their own banal minutiae, then I’d luurrrvvve to hear it.

BPM

Paris Hilton has achieved all her goals

March 30, 2011

The name's Paris E. Hilton - Genius

from theage.com.au

So she’s retiring.

At age 30.

No. Really.

Because, as she puts it:

“(I’ve) done everything that I wanted to do and I feel very blessed that I have been very successful in every area. So it’s very exciting. There is nothing else to do”.

That, and:

“I am the original so there is nothing like me.”

Excuse me while I go work until I’m 75 to earn the same annual income as one of those rat-dog’s always hanging out of her handbag, which, incidentally, is worth roughly the same as my soul.

So who’s really the idiot, Monkey? Hmm?

Is it really too late to ask my parents to invest in a hotel while I go and rent a video camera with night vision?

BPM

Some people just aren’t worth saving

January 17, 2011

Yes, Australia, we ARE in the midst of one of the worst nation-wide natural disasters to afflict this country in over a century.

But rest assured… S.E.S crews are constantly vigilant when it comes to saving every man, woman and child humanly possible from rising flood waters.

Even these two.

“PAIR RESCUED AFTER RIDE ON INFLATABLE DOLL HITS A SNAG”

Darwin Awards candidates #423 & 424

from heraldsun.com.au

What a valuable use of manpower and resources.

Can you imagine worse news than a policeman on your doorstep somberly telling you,

“Sir, we regret to have to inform you that your 19-year-old daughter drowned this afternoon in the Yarra River.

With no underpants on.

When she and her boyfriend tried to ride a pair of inflatable sex dolls down the river during Victoria’s worst flood in almost 200 years.

Sir…? Sir?”

At least the news article ends with the sage piece of advice that police warn that blow-up dolls are NOT recognised floatation devices.

Sigh…

BPM

Mark Twain: Remastered

January 6, 2011

Is it the porch, the cigar or the white suit that gives the impression of possible racism??? Or is it the unique combination of all 3???

Finally, publisher Newsouth Books is going to tackle a hot-button issue that I know has been on everybodies mind for years now…

They’ve decided to release a single volume of Mark Twain’s ‘Adventures of Huckleberry Finn’ & ‘Adventures of Tom Sawyer’, with all the n-words edited out.

The n-word will be replaced with ‘slave’, and the word ‘Injun’ will be removed.

For those wondering, Huck Finn was first published in 1885, Tom Sawyer in 1876. Newsouth Books is only slightly more behind the times than the Vatican. But not by much.

Ridiculous, huh. Mark Twain wasn’t racist! Honest! He had heaps of black friends, and they were totally cool if he used that word in front of them! Right?!

Sigh…

Can’t wait for a spate of classic literature to be re-released, free of potentially inflammatory language.

‘Catcher in the Rye’, minus the word ‘fuck’…

The ‘Lord of the Rings’ trilogy, where no one ever throws a faggot on a blazing fire…

And of course that scene in ‘Pride and Prejudice’ where Elizabeth Bennet says that Mr. Darcy is the most disagreeable man she ever met, and he replies by calling her a c*^t…

Gone.

BPM